A Poem by Awean8

Its a poem that chronicles an actual relationship I had with a girl where she basically did a way with me as a friend so she could go out with some guy I hated. Hope you like. :) Critique is welcome.

 I'm lying in my bed
because I feel dead.
Yeah, I've finished off the last of my mom's wine
and my taste buds have died, and become divine.
What can I say it's my only chance to shine
because poetry doesn't write itself 
without at least drinking a few
especially after everything we went through.
What do you expect from me a "thank you"?
Bite me, b***h
You turned me into an alcoholic
and alcohol turned me into a workaholic
only my work doesn't get me dollar signs,
if it did your boy would have used that line
All she wants is money, and old ryhmes.
His poetry is borrowed from song lyrics.
You know it
but you don't care.
Your in love
but your not
and you never will.
You don't know me
but you never did.
"You're never going to make it, Justin. Your just too wierd."
that's something you've never said but never had to.
You think I don't know you?
Well, that was your mistake
After four long years
yeah, I know your fake.
I'm all alone
because that's how I like it.
I sit at home
because that way it's quiet.
You think I don't see what he posts on your wall?
I hate when he calls you "my love", and "angel"
Please, get me a barf bag.
Your boy is a d-bag
who likes to say swag
but only in the photo tags.
Oh, so now I'm the f*g?
Say it to my face instead of Facebook
You chose him over me
Mr. "I'm not a hipster sir, 
but I can sure make her hips stir".
I heard how he explored her dashboard like Tumblr.
Yeah, that sounds like true love right?
Does he Twitter that?
Everyone reblogged that.
Don't text me crying about your dude
He's cheating on you to poke other chicks.
You know what? I'm just not in the mood.
I'm a jerk sometimes, but he's a real dick.
Crazy like the Social Network girl.
I don't understand you like Braile
I just can't feel all that much
so just forget it.
I don't think its worth it.

© 2011 Awean8

Author's Note

Feel free to critique as long as you are constructive. :)

My Review

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I meant to ask you about the title -- Artichoke. Significance?

Posted 8 Years Ago

I think you have written a wonderful starting point here. You use some sophisticated wordplay, and that expertise makes me feel that you have a lot of promise. Poetry will not suffer from revision; in fact, it flourishes with revisions. These words are dying for you to come through them wielding the sharpness of your mind and the substance of your vision. The rhyming is there, but sometimes a little bumpy. Rhyming is unimportant to me; it is the grace and cadence of the words that draw my interest. I like the tacit undercurrent of anger; I like the short sentences that deliver the damning words. Just some little technical issues: the contraction for "You are" is "you're" -- "your" is possessive. All in all, this is a firecracker waiting to be lit: revise it a little and light it. You will fill the sky with colored streams and exploding beauty.

Posted 8 Years Ago

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2 Reviews
Added on December 2, 2011
Last Updated on December 2, 2011
Tags: artichoke, girl, honesty, facebook, social network, tumblr, sex, anger, clever, wordplay, bitterness, poetry, cursing, blunt, heart break, friends, blog, love



Keller, TX