A letter to my love

A prose letter write to my husband

Carlos, 

I don't even know how to start this, so I guess I'll dive in like I sometimes do. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. There aren't enough words in the world to tell you how much I believe in you and me. I write out our lives to the end of our days, growing old with each letter on a page. We laugh, promise to roll around and get fat together, living off of donuts and mac 'n cheese until we can't eat anymore. You give me flowers just because, show up out of nowhere with well-wishes from the universe because you simply love seeing me smile. Lord knows I could use some good cheer. 

I wish you wrote poetry. I wish there were words I could steal from your lips and weave them into mine just to make you smile. Because I love your smile. I love the way your eyes light up whenever we you look into my own. I love how your laugh sounds, a soft chuckle that occasionally turns into something more, and when you kiss me... 

it makes me feel as though there is no wrong in the world. Even when I'm crying, your kiss is enough to make me forget about the tears on my cheeks. There is never a more perfect moment than when our lips touch together and you become part of me, taking on my pain as your own.

                                                                                       ...I don't know what you do to me...

Sometimes, I close my eyes and feel your fingers along my cheek, trailing down my skin like it can absorb all of the hurt if only its touch is gentle enough, loving enough, more than enough, Carlos... you are more than enough to keep me by your side and to bring a smile to my face. You are all that I need.

I drive you crazy, don't I. I end those words with a period rather than a question because it is a statement we both know is true. I'm sorry for just how crazy I can make life sometimes. I never mean to hurt you. And when I run away from you, keep my pain from you, it isn't because I don't trust you because I do. I do trust you. But I don't want you to see just how weak I truly feel. I don't want your pity when I can't deal with things on my own. I don't want to hear the sadness in your voice or see the hurt in your expression when you realize you can't take all of my memories and make them good. I don't want to see the hate you feel towards those who hurt me... but I know that you love me. I can feel it in your arms when you hug me. There is not a thing in the world I wouldn't do for you, and I'm sorry that it doesn't always seem that way. 

Life is hard for me, my darling, it's hard for us both. I wish I could give everything to you, but, at the same time, I don't want you to feel my pain. I'd much rather deal with it on my own... but sometimes I can't, and it comforts me that I know you'll be there for me. I hope that you know this. I hope you realize just how much you mean to me, because Carlos, you mean the world to me. 

There are so many things I wish I could say to you, but I can't find the words, and I'm sorry. I always figured I'd write the longest letter to you, but it seems that anytime I try to tell you exactly how I feel my thoughts just get all jumbled and I don't make any sense. 

To put it simply: 

I love you.

With love,

Mariah