my confession

personal. 11/16/2015

in another life 

where no one has ever 

hurt me, 

i imagine there's a little girl

that still smiles every day. 

in another time 

when my memories 

have never been chased 

around the dark corners

of my mind, there's a 

joy in my eyes that 

i don't think i've ever known. 

on another day 

when the sound 

of the rain 

is no longer louder 

than my hope, 

i believe that 

part of my survival 

will depend on 

dancing under 

stormy skies. 

there is a darkness 

that follows my every moment, 

it consumes my glimmers

of happiness before 

they reach any level 

of conscious awareness 

and i am left waiting 

in the street 

for a glimpse of what 

could have been. 

on my knees 

crying please God why don't you hear me, 

take away this pain 

so i can know what it's like 

to live 

instead of just survive, 

but all i get in answers are 

the sounds of my own heart beating

and i just feel so alone. 

so i spill my words onto cobblestone, 

streets paved through 

run down neighborhoods 

where even the law don't go, 

sing my rhymes to the rhythm 

of gunshots and violence 

and when it's all done 

i'm just left with still silence, 

no sirens. no one on their way 

to save just another broken soul.

i want to be whole again. 

i want to smile again. 

i want to feel more than 

just this numb pain again

please... 

i don't know how to keep 

on surviving when 

my mind and my heart 

feel like they keep 

on dying. 

i'm a lost and empty soul, 

stereotype cliche just wanting 

to be known for more than 

past actions and what was stole

i don't want to be another statistic. 

just another tick in a line of 

numbers, 

a forgotten name on a list 

of victims who never 

found their way home. 

i'm here but i'm not, 

left in a shell of who 

i was but that person 

is gone and now i 

don't know where to go. 

i'm home but still wandering, 

wondering if anyone could 

ever truly love me 

and even though i know

my words would break 

the hearts of some, 

i can't seem to really care. 

to quote some of the whispers, 

i'm not all there 

... but that's not my fault 

and damn anyone who 

dares look at me sideways 

like i'm crazy. i'm not. 

i ain't crazy or lazy or insane, 

just stuck as a pawn in 

someone else's game 

and for once in my life 

i'm trying to find 

a way to stand up 

and actually fight 

but i'm weak and my voice is small. 

tried to fight back but 

i don't stand too tall, 

just a girl trampled on by the world 

and left curled up in a ball 

thinking that if i tried hard 

enough maybe i could disappear. 

but my dreams of invisibility 

flew away with the thoughts 

of my strength.

i've been living a lie 

that no one really knows, 

tried to hide it well 

but i know sometimes it shows 

and i thank everyone that's stuck around, 

everyone who waited behind just 

to make sure i got back on my feet. 

it's time to let my mask down 

and let my acting fade, 

face up the truth as 

to how i spend my days. 

i wait praying for hope 

that somebody would care, 

but looking around, 

i know you've been there. 

even at the times 

when i never showed it, 

your kindness helped me more

than anyone could ever even 

comprehend. 

i'm so tired of trying, 

tired of pretending that 

everything is okay 

when life was never 

fair or okay to begin with. 

i'm sorry. i know these 

verses may come as a shock 

to some, but to most 

this is just a note of gratitude

you probably never expected. 

you were there regardless, 

never needing a thank you 

or a glance back when 

i was gone. 

this is not a goodbye 

but a promise. 

a promise to wake up 

and try harder everyday, 

not just for me but for you. 

because my strength is more

than my will to survive, 

it comes in the bond found 

in friends. i am more 

than my past and my hurts. 

i am a sum of all good 

and bad, and that's brought me 

here to where i am.  

so to everyone who's passed 

through my life, i give 

my thanks for that spark of 

light you didn't know you shined.