pouring my heart into prose

There are many signposts on the paths of meaning in life

and I turned back from most of them

and I still can't find a route for myself

let's go back to the times when I was a golden student

when my wishes were valued and everyone got used to seeing me on stage

was I really happy then?

did I really want it,

was I studying while crying?

no.

I was never a student drowning in lessons

but I was the first

and no one asked me how I was

when I lost my father, when I had an accident, 

when I was treated, when I was so hungry that my bones could be counted

because as long as I was succesfull in math, I had to be good, I had no reason to be bad.

and we assumed that I was happy.

I guess in adolescence,

 I realized that not all successful students were the same as me

they were constantly working and were not here by chance like me

but I had a lazy luck that I thought I trusted and believed would last forever.

but it didn't last forever and I ran out somewhere.

I got caught up in the wrong friendships and the wrong loves, 

I was a normal teenage girl

and that was what I really wanted at the time

and that was a time I don't regret

my family didn't think the same, naturally.

and I believed I should worry

and my friends who are now medical students called me one day and cried

"don't believe them because I would like to be you"

and I was devastated beyond repair.

I had to earn my chance to change things.

"Hey God! It's me, again!"

Author's Note

"They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates, and I ended up here
Pouring out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying"

Reviews

[Billy]

This is a most vulnerable exploration of identity and expectations,. Reflecting on the past, particularly as a successful student, questioning whether you were truly happy or just fulfilling expectations, you touch on the assumption that success equates to happiness. You have very poignantly described the disconnect between your outward success and inner struggle, and have well explored the challenges of adolescence, including the influence of peers and the desire for guidance.

[Beren]

You really understand everything I write and I love your comments! It's really appreciated that you take the time to read me and I always find it so interesting to read your thoughts! Thank you so much!

[Billy]

Your poems are wonderful, so it is no hardship to take the time to read them. Is there a poem you would like me to read and comment on for you?

[Beren]

Thank you, you are being kind. I really don't know. If you want to read more just choose the one that attracts you. Thank you again! You are a way better poet!

[Billy]

I really don't think so. Let me read another poem and I'll decide

[Beren]

If you want to read something romantic, you can read miracle or inspiration collecters. If you want something emotional, you can read In memory of my father or dead flowers. If you are looking for something different, you can read Every Killer Goes Back to Crime Scene, Regret, Limbo, Poison Ivy. I don't like to advertise myself, but these came to my mind. Please you choose, and end my misery

[Billy]

I had already selected one that drew my attention, however, I will note these other titles and will come back to review further

[W. Barrett Munn]

You are making great strides as a poet. Congratulations.

[Beren]

I don't even like this one, but thank you so much sir! Have a great day!

[Soren]

Desire, creativity, poetry and whiskey all run dry sometimes. Nothing more than time is lost there is always a new bottle, a new thought, a new urge. I could feel the anger and frustration in this poem and the end felt a ray of hope, the sun raising in the east. Lovely

[Beren]

:') It's really a valuable comment. Thank you very much. I hope I'll see the sun soon.