My Love and His Rifle

After the firefights
and the homecoming parade
my love and his rifle
are quiet

In the corners and the hollows
of memory
his brothers live
they laugh
they talk about home

In the silence
and the dark
they sit together
his ghosts and his rifle

his stories of them
are like stories about home
or letters
he never opened

Author's Note

This one isn't really doing it for me. It's missing something? It's too long, maybe. Tweaked it. Eh.

Reviews

[Clayton Bardwell]

This is heart wrenching for one who has been there. I can only speak for myself. I think the first 3 stanzas say it all. The lasts line of the third stanza is extremely powerful. I don't see how you can top that. I don't understand the last stanza. I am a bit thick headed. If I were to use all four stanzas I would switch 3 and 4 around. Very powerful.

[Elizabeth]

This is my humble attempt to show civilian families what our loves live with. In many ways, he will always be there. Thank you for your beautiful review and thank you for your service.

[Clayton Bardwell]

You're welcome and thank you.

[Clayton Bardwell]

I like it! I get that stanza now. I just noticed that "your love and his rifle" are in the first stanza and "his ghosts and his rifle" are in the final. Chilling with goose bumps.

[lee von cleef]

Close the blinds,turn off the world, pull up his smell, drink his drink,and read it slow before you sleep....it will do fine....

[Emily B]

i like it, strikes quite an emotional chord, i'm wondering though if you really need the repetition of that last line

the best part of this is the contrast between the quiet rifle and the joviality of those memories

[Elizabeth]

I have thought about just deleting that last line, as well. I didn't want to just leave the piece hanging... but that what war does. Thanks. I think I'll do that.

[Emily B]

i just noticed the contrast between the firefights and sitting in the dark, this is really tight work

[Elizabeth]

Thanks. I had a hard time with it, I think because I was trying to paint *him*. I've become adept at painting *me*. Ha! I think taking that last bit out made all the difference. Thank you :)

[Emily B]

have you run across Sel Whiteley in the cafe yet? This work reminds me of her word paintings

[Elizabeth]

No, I think I'll look for her :)

[Emily B]

Phibby Venable does amazing things with words too

[M Breen]

From my blinkers: The poem expresses the reality of today, but also opens the door to the history of human relationships. Relationships that have to grow love. Love in an a world where they are ordered to attack others.
Thanks for the quality. I don't see a problem with the end, but it depends what you wish to express.

[Elizabeth]

I appreciate your take. I think I'm finding it hard to be real about this because I love him... and I want to do him justice. It's longer than my other pieces and that makes me uncomfortable. I detest lengthy crap. Just crap for the sake of spewing crap- you know? But thanks, friend.

[KAOlmsted]

Amazing...

;-)

Seriously, though, this was really good; I like the title a lot. I don't think it's too long, if anything, I think it needs more...just a little more. Like maybe bring to light the fact that the friends in his memories never actually made it home...like that. And the end makes me think maybe your love and his rifle are "still" for sinister reasons...I sincerely hope that is not the case.

-kimmer

[Elizabeth]

:) Thank you. I agree with you on all points. No, not sinister reasons. More like... he goes away sometimes in the quiet. It does need something, I agree.

[KAOlmsted]

I imagine it takes a very strong person to live with a returning soldier; I commend you on your strength.

[Elizabeth]

I don't deserve that... I just love him. (and he's a Marine, not a soldier. Don't EVER let a Marine hear you call them a soldier lmao!! ) But thanks, love.

[KAOlmsted]

*laugh* sorry...and you know what? I just read that piece by DrD; you and all of the rest, yes you do deserve it. Good on ya, sister.

[Baby Ricochet]

Beautiful. Loved it. Thank you.

[Elizabeth]

Thanks for reading it. The end bothers me...

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

A great ode to obviously very brave men. Very nicely done.