It's All Going to be OK

How we see ourselves determines how we perceive the world and our ability to deal with it.

When I was a little child, I was very shy and easily afraid. As I grew up, there was still that basic shyness and apprehension about life, but over time, a growing sense of confidence emerged that somehow I would be able to master what life handed me. I did not always have an immediate clue about how to accomplish that, but there was that quiet inner voice that said: "You will find a way to handle it."

Then I entered my professional years, which reinforced and confirmed my growing sense of confidence that I was equal to all challenges that were presented to me, and some I accepted voluntarily as 'weight training'.

BUT ...

One day, out of the blue, lightning struck, and my husband was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. His prognosis was poor, with little survival time. GULP!! My outlook and perception of 'challenge' changed dramatically. This was NOT the 'growth opportunity' I had wanted, but a nasty trick of fate, taunting me and forcing me to re-evaluate my self confidence.

Life seemed to laugh at me and say: "Oh yeah, what are you going to do about THAT??" * "Still feel so smart and competent??" It starkly reminded me that certain things are NOT in my control and may NOT turn out the way I wanted, no matter how determined I was.

But, while shaking in my boots and with buckling knees, my inherent sense of determination and defiance reasserted itself and said: "Bring it on!" - And so it did * with a vengeance. It often sent me spinning until my vision became blurred and I was dizzy. But, never easily considering defeat, I soon came to see it as an endurance test, strength building and a lesson in patience.

Then, Life laughed at me again and cranked up the pressure and delivered its final blow, ending in a bang - literally. Instantly, all self-assurance and tactical advances gained over time disappeared in a nanosecond. Suddenly I felt like a two-year old, lost in a dark forest. Where had all my confidence gone? I could almost audibly hear the giant sucking sound of its disappearance.

Years later, I still feel very small, scared and fragile inside, while the outside world sees me as competent, strong and ready to go. With some physical effort, I still can handle 'stuff', but now it takes more energy, and when it comes to Life itself, I have become frightened and clueless.

Everything lies in the eyes of the beholder, so they say. To me, Life suddenly looks so much bigger and ominous, and I feel like I am getting smaller and smaller, needing to hold my mother*s hand. I feel like a little child, dressed up as an adult, but who needs to hear a reassuring voice that says: "It's all going to be OK."

Will I ever grow up again and no longer be afraid of Life? Will it ever be OK again?? Is there a prescription to regain 20/20 'Life Vision'??

Reviews

[Floating on the feather..]

I don't know if you have written this on your personal experience and if you have then i know how hard it would have been on you.I know you are scared of life now, scared to see another day without your loved one, scared to keep yours ear open for any other bad news, you'r scared to look up to life and say that "Yes, I can stare back at you and can handle all problems" cos you feel that the blow has been really strong and has shattered you. But you know what, if you let life work on you without you defying it and fighting back, it will beat you down to dust. You have to stand strong and fight, once you let anything take over you, you will find yourself going deeper into the swamp, so come out when you still have time.

Good write.
Shinjini

[Michael X]

brenda, as i completed reading this i felt a tremendous ammount of insight, your words are capturing in way they define your life's ambitions. this is heart stirring, many prospects draw the reader to a state of depthful contemplation, reading this was reading your thoughts scripted through the heart open to reveal an awareness gained by experience, wisdom in reflections, eloquence is beautifully crafted, gently encouraging, thank you

[Sqeaver]

I think we all need the comfort of our mother holding our hand. Great job.

[Sevvenn]

Whooo....you write from the heart. Honesty is a beautiful thing to read. I love your work.

[Catrinka]

Very well done! What a great, honest essay. You have a wonderful, fresh way with words! The difference between me and you perhaps, is that I have always felt like a child dressed up in adult clothing (no kidding!)and still do. Very well put! And I bet there's a lot of others 'out there' who feel the same way, at least I hope so!

[SweetPeachesAlways]

writing with your heart in your hand is sometimes the only way to write...very visual imagery of life's painful road. I hope some of the fog has cleared; all of it won't be gone for decades, unfortunately, if ever...