Peace for the child within

"in my child like wonder for the world i gave you trust...."

what happened to me was done to me,
the hurting child i carried within,
but whilst she resided deep inside
the crimes ,they still lived on.
 
"please let me rest in peace"
she cried to me from inside
"let me go where children go
let me lay me down to rest"
 
i had listened to her for an age
but finally i heard her cries
for me to give her peace
i must pull her from deep inside
 
with a painful tug ,out she came
i held her and cried with the child from inside
`i`m sorry you were hurt , so sorry you were hurt
none of this was ever your fault" i say
 
as i acknowledge her pain
i feel her standing tall
as she steps back from me and says
"i am what happened
 what was done to you
and there is no justice in that at all 
 
let me go and i will take the pain with me
for it is no longer yours to carry
you are no longer the girl what was done to
but a woman,not the same person at all..
 
thank you for sharing my pain for so long
buried deep in the heart of your chest 
but i must  go where children should go
and lay me and the pain to rest
 
I am a child of the past
thats where i belong
not here with you
or you with me
 
take your steps forward ,
and cut me free
liberate yourself from
the pain of me
 
i am a child from the past
and thats where i belong
not here with you
or you with me
.
 
 
 

 

 

Author's Note

After spending time sharing with a friend ,i felt inspired and compelled to write this.....Written to explain the departure of a sexually abused child within the now grown adult. The moment when it was realized that they were 2 seperate people.The child that was is not the adult today,the child who suffered pain was not the same as the adult who carried that childs pain,and until that detatchment was made ,the child within was being kept in perpetual suffering...it was time for the child to feel peace.


thnak you for taking the time to read it .

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Katriver

Welcome to Writers Café.

The fortune or probably misfortune of being one of the Top Reviewers on this site is that I currently have 911 electronic requests to review others writing.

For anyone that is an impossible burden to carry, especially so if you review long as I do.

So I tend to focus these days on a mix of people who are faithful to me in reviewing, friends and also helping / greeting new members to this site.

My reviews can vary in style and content.

But this is my review of your piece.

1) Bravery; Given the poem which I have now read to myself several times and your author's note, I am moved by the amount of emotional effort it must have taken you to publish, if you like, to the eyes of the world or at least this community something so obviously personal and painful for you.

You have my immediate admiration, on the basis of that alone.

Now the next few points are just technical stuff about writing poetry. But I hope you find the points helpful in perfecting your art.

2) Structure: Ten stanzas of four lines each except in the fifth where you make the verse six lines long. Not that I object to the fifth six line stanza. But I think it would add an air of eloquence to what is already an eloquent piece in terms of form, if you played around with it and made it four lines too.

3) Rhyme: There are some external (end of line) rhymes in the poem which are attractive. You don't have a fixed rhyming scheme. Am I bothered? Well of course not. Poetry should at the least be the writer's own way of telling it as it is. Free form is therefore good.

4) Rhythm: The lines are of relatively equal thing and therefore there is a steady attractive beat to the piece.

5) Grammatical Style:

First point: you never once use a capital letter. All is in lower case. I like that freestyle consistency. It simply says I'll write this how I like. So well done.

Second point: You start punctuating the piece with commas and full stops, quotation marks etc at the beginning only to drop them later. In my book again to achieve consistency, either I would drop most punctuation or use it throughout. I would suggest the latter.

6) Originality: It is rare to see what you have achieved, though I have tried my hand at it myself and only once or twice seen it otherwise, which is an internal dialogue. What makes yours even more intriguing is that it is a conversation between two parts of yourself, you and an inner child. My piece 'Dear God' is between me an God.

So you immediately differentiate yourself from the crowd by doing something relatively unique.

7) Use of English: You keep it simple. But then that is entirely appropriate because it as a conversation between the adult and their inner child. Bravo.

8) Use of metaphor: You don't. But again I think your choice is right here not to complicate the piece. This is a childlike inner conversation.

9) Meaning :

A combination of the words of the poem and your very clear author's note make your meaning here relatively clear. Often, a writer will taunt the reader with the opaque and obscurity - a guessing game. That's fine. It's an intellectual challenge.

But less opaque I find has its own merits as with your piece.

How would I summarise the meaning of this piece without knowing anything about you other than the author's note and the words themselves?

Well actually, the whole answer is best expressed clearly in your own author's note, from which a lift below:

'Written to explain the departure of a sexually abused child within the now grown adult. The moment when it was realized that they were 2 separate people. The child that was is not the adult today, the child who suffered pain was not the same as the adult who carried that child's pain, and until that detachment was made ,the child within was being kept in perpetual suffering...it was time for the child to feel peace'.

10) Approach:

As a starter, I cannot help but me moved by the topic of this piece which is that of child abuse. I am in my own way an empath in that I can physically feel others pain as well intellectually and emotional react.

You obscure the actual events, and with whom. But of course that is so personal to you that one could only expect that to be so.

But that you are, coming back to my first point on bravery, able to post this piece of evidently painful trauma will I hope in its own way by having shared it with me and others bring its own healing in addition to the healing which the piece implies you already have.

11) Progress of the piece with favourite lines:

Lift: First Stanza:

'what happened to me was done to me,
the hurting child i carried within,
but whilst she resided deep inside
the crimes ,they still lived on.'

I like the internal rhyme of 'resided' and 'inside'. You clearly portray there are two parties here, the adult and their inner child.

Lift: Second Stanza:

"please let me rest in peace"
she cried to me from inside
"let me go where children go
let me lay me down to rest"

The internal debate starts. The simplicity of the inner child pleads for freedom from the adult the child inhabits. The notion of a desire for seeking release, healing and fulfilment pervades these lines.

Lift: Third Stanza:

'i had listened to her for an age
but finally i heard her cries
for me to give her peace
i must pull her from deep inside'

The adult acknowledges her inner child's pleas for release. There is a well balanced metre in these lines.

Fourth Stanza: Lift:

'with a painful tug ,out she came
i held her and cried with the child from inside
`i`m sorry you were hurt , so sorry you were hurt
none of this was ever your fault" i say'

The inner child shows herself and the adult starts to address her inner chid. The sense of regret is palpable. The repetition of' sorry you were hurt' strengthens the regret.

Fifth Stanza: Lift:

'as i acknowledge her pain
i feel her standing tall
as she steps back from me and says
"i am what happened
what was done to you
and there is no justice in that at all'

This is where you need in my view to take the lines back to four. The rhyme of 'tall' 'all' works well. Here the inner child and adult start to converse and recognise each other.

Sixth Stanza: Lift:

' let me go and i will take the pain with me
for it is no longer yours to carry
you are no longer the girl what was done to
but a woman, not the same person at all..'

The vulnerable inner child wants to leave the adult so as to give them the peace they need. Both belong to different times and places. They need to part to survive.

Seventh Stanza: Lift:

'thank you for sharing my pain for so long
buried deep in the heart of your chest
but i must go where children should go
and lay me and the pain to rest'

The 'chest' 'best' rhyme enhances the verse. The agreement to let each other go starts to reach its zenith.

Last three stanzas: Lift:

I am a child of the past
thats where i belong
not here with you
or you with me

take your steps forward ,
and cut me free
liberate yourself from
the pain of me

i am a child from the past
and thats where i belong
not here with you
or you with me'

The separation is agreed. The repetition of the first two lines in the first and last of these stanzas works well:

'I am a child of the past
thats where i belong.

12) Overview: An original piece of writing now posted publicly with a huge degree of bravery. It is eloquent. But above all it is a piece of healing. Not just that you as writer may achieve some by putting this on display, but rather more because the piece finds its own resolution. The inner child leaves with no hurt and the adult is healed in the leaving.

Well written

With my warmest regards


James Hanna-Magill

[katriver]

Thank you so much James for my warm welcome and for such a comprehensive review.

I know very little of the structure and technical qualities that can be applied when writing poetry and am very glad to be guided constructively on my journey of learning the art.

I love how you have decostructed the poem and it`s purpose,your suggestion of keeping to the four line stanza i completely take on board as i was all too aware that it was clumsy on the mouth but still went with it.

I appreciate the time and input you have spent on my piece James and will take on board your suggestions, be humbled by your positive comments and take encouragement from your overall opinion of the poem.

All the very best

Katriver

p.s i apologize for the brief response ...but i am still digesting your words :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Katriver

It has been my entire pleasure to welcome you to the Café and to have been the first to have reviewed your writing.

What is self-evident to me is that you can write and on the basis of this piece alone you write well.

I believe you to be a survivor on the basis of the evidence above as well.

I am certain there is also a writer in you, in the sense that often for those of us that are writers, the best mode of communicating with ourselves (you talk to yourself here) never mind anyone else, to explain ourselves to ourselves, sometimes simply to survive, is in words on a page.

Even if as I like to put it, it is a letter to myself.

I would like to encourage you to write more.

You may not only find it therapeutic in dealing with your own demons but educational to readers on here to see how you have lived your life so that we can all mature and learn from each other.

With my warmest regards

Your friend

James

[katriver]

Dear James,

More encouragement ! thank you !

I agree with your point about talking to ourselves...and i have to admit my internal dialogue is certainly well fed lol!

Warm wishes with oodles of appreciation attached :)

[Criss ;)]

i loved this one
thank you for sharing my pain for so long
buried deep in the heart of your chest
but i must go where children should go
and lay me and the pain to rest
have this 98 /100 : )

[katriver]

Dear Chriss,

Thank you for your comments and thank you kindly for the rating :)

Katriver

[Cassie]

This poem is quite sad, you have expressed it well.

[katriver]

Thank you Cassie :)

Kat

[Saumya]

this is really ver very very beautifuly expressed...!!!!
hats off..!!!!!

[katriver]

Thank you ,i am humbled by your comment Saumya

[Saumya]

oh..!!! you are highly welcomed..!!