I wanted to be fine

I wanted to be fine, believe me, I really did. But when it came down to it, I couldn't express myself well enough to anyone, let alone a psychologist. I have issues, man do I have issues, I can't even begin to say where they started or what was the trigger. I suppose there was some signs of there being a main issue. Abandonment I assume, that's everyone's issue, right? They've been left alone for far too long and when they get to be with someone, they keep feeling as though they will just walk out.

Yeah, that's how it begins. 

I wanted to be fine, I swear I really did. I went into the office and sat down with the Man in charge. That's another thing, it's always a man in charge, as if women aren't the brains behind the pretty colours. He sat in his office chair and tried to intimidate me and stare at me down his long, austere nose. His office had the familiar smell of cigarettes and cheap perfume. He tried to present himself as classy and as a business man, in his expensive suit that he had crafted and shipped from Italy. However I have seen his kind far too many times. They walk into the brothels in the centre of town and try flashing their money around. But money can only get you so far. 

I wanted to be fine, I tried so hard. I went into the doctors office and told them my issues. How my anxiety is through the roof and how nothing has been helping. How the alcohol runs out too quickly for me to enjoy. That I keep taking more and more paracetamol so I don't have to feel anything. All it does is make my skin crawl and itch. He just sits and judges me and passes me off as crazy. I may well be crazy, but that has nothing to do with why I'm here. 

I wanted to be fine, to not fall further down the rabbit hole that I have been trapped in for far too long. They all welcome me with open arms, but they are getting to close, too familiar. I need to disappear. My friends don't understand, so I push them away. I don't like getting close, it makes my heart race and makes a cool sweat drip down my back.  They all think that I'm unstable. That isn't the half of it. 

I wanted to be fine, but all I achieved was misery.  

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is brilliant writing & I very much enjoy reading it. This is the perfect length for the short attention spans on a website like this. I love your honest & straightforward point of view. The repetition of the title line to open each paragraph is well done, adding to the sense of desperation or groping for sanity, etc. Your use of details brings a richness to what you're showing us about how it feels. Looking forward to reading more of you.

[ForgottenGirl]

You're story is very moving and very relatable. I really liked how you started each paragraph. You are a talented writer, it is sad that it takes pain to write such beauty. I love it though, and I love your page.