Peace

This is a short story about a young girl who is not happy with the way the world is and how she wishes to escape.

I have been planning on dying for some time now. I can’t tell you exactly how long because I’m not entirely sure myself, but I suppose you could even say it has been a couple of years now.

I remember being 14 years old and simply accepting that I wouldn’t be around much longer, with no true intention of ending my life; I just knew it would happen sooner or later. I am approaching 17 years of age now and I feel quite similarly, I cannot picture in my mind being any older than 20, I can’t see myself getting married or starting a family or being successful. These are all just concepts that I feel I will never be able to grasp and therefore I’m not going to try.

I am not in any way trying to imply that I have a bad life and have nothing to live for, because I know full well that I do have a lot to stick around for. For example, I am currently in a 2 year relationship with the most gorgeous wonderful person I have ever laid eyes on; I have a beautiful little family, we are all very close and I know that no matter what choices I make that I will have their unconditional love and support for the rest of their days; I have a good network of friends that I enjoy spending time with, who care about me in such a way that I know that if I was ever in trouble, I would be able to survive it with their help; I have just received an amazing set of GCSE results and know that I am bright and intelligent enough to make something good of myself. These are only a few of many examples of things to live for.

When people wish to end their lives, people tell them “no, you have so much to live for”. However, when people wish to live, there is nobody who stops and reminds them that there are also many reasons to die for. It seems quite a morbid thought; but stop and think about it. Whilst there are many amazing things in the world, there is also a lot of darkness. It is difficult to work out which force is more powerful here on Earth; the Good or the Bad.

I am still a child myself and already I am horrified by the disgusting acts that take place on this Earth. I have not even entered the hectic world of adulthood yet and I feel as if the world is an ugly place. I am not saying that I myself have never sinned, I have many a time and probably will continue to do so. It is often human nature to do the wrong things and to hurt other people. That is what I fail to understand. Why is death so greatly feared when the world is full of such disgrace.  People lie and they cheat and they hurt people; exploiting those close to them for their own benefit. Spiteful words are uttered in order to deliberately damage one’s ego, and rumours are spread in order to destroy one’s trust.

I do not know whether my life has been good or bad so far because in comparison to some people’s it is good; yet compared to other’s it is bad. I believe that there is no measure of how good or bad a situation is, rather than how the individual is mentally capable of handling it. My mum and dad live together, are married, never cheated, haven’t split up, I have no half sliblings, I have never lost a close relative. We are not poor, I get an allowance, I get treated sometimes, I have a good relationship with my parents, we go out a lot. Many people would say that those things alone make my life ‘Good’. Some people however, would argue that simply having a roof over your head and food in your belly is enough to be happy. It is sometimes said that love is all you need, and that anything else is just material things and things and they do not matter. Everybody measures goodness differently.

I don’t here want to provide you with a sob story of how tragic my life has been, because it hasn’t. I have had both good and bad experiences and at the end of the day, I got through every single one of them and am now the person I am today because of them. A detailed account of my life is not necessary, all that needs to be said is attachment issues, fear of rejection, poor self-image, bulimia, anorexia, alcohol, drugs, self-harm, sexual abuse, underage sex, voices in my head, losing friends, suicide attempts. Just a little summary of the bad things in my life.

It is for this reason that I have such a problem with being here. There is just so much pain, so many bad people. Not only am I in pain, but I have to watch the people around me feel pain too and why would I want that. I do not want to live in a world where a good percentage of the people you meet are going to hurt you. Instead of living alongside the pain I feel I would serve my time better elsewhere, where no one is bad.

The truth is it is in my mind, this depression that makes me so dread the oncoming day as the sun begins to rise. I wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and all my troubles hang like an anchor on my heart, weighing me to the bed as if to tell me that that’s where I belong. Yes I could hold on and not end it all, but what is the point in cheating life when you can win at death? What is the point in walking around painting a false smile on your face, only to wash it all away with the tears at night.

I have so much anger inside of me, so many people I despise for hurting me and I cannot control it or get rid of it. I have very little fight left in me and if there is one thing worth dying for then it is happiness. What is so wrong about wanting peace?

Author's Note

I wanted something powerful and meaningful, a different viewpiont on things but I don't know if I am hitting it right