Winter Journey

19th poem

 

Through the freezing forests
Over the rushing rivers
The rain spits in his face
As his whole body shivers

The thorns have cut him open
The rain has made him slip
But thoughts of her keep him going
On this cold and intense trip

As he walks through the mountains
A trail of blood is left in the snow
All the cuts caused the blood
and now he has become slow

The days go by slowly
She lives so far away
Should he regret this journey?
Or continue on his way....?

Reviews

[Lizzy]

wow
I really like this!
Especialy the ending it's very powerful,makes me think and i feel kinda sorry for him,whoever he is.

Just one suggeston....insted of "But thoughts of her keep him going
On this cold and intense trip" i'd scrap the and,
"But thoughts of her keep him going on his cold,intense trip"

It seems to flow better for me,just a thought though =D

I really like this poem Bryce

Keep up all the great work!!

=]]

~Lizzie

xox

[Celtic Cat]

This piece is so great, I love it!!!! I for one believe he should continue his quest. Quitters never win! Excellent write, Bryce!

[Watson Trippy]

This is a great piece.Such devotion to reach back to what I'm assuming is his love.Just that fact that he keeps going is heartwarming and hopeful.Nicely done.

[KUFU]

I would break the last stanza up.

The days go by slowly
She lives far away
Should he regret this journey?

Or continue on his way....?

...having that last line dangling like a participle leaves the reader to ponder the form. This creates a mental queue for the reader to perk up and ponder the narrators quest.

Very R. Frost like. I really enjoyed the serene, contemplative tone of this piece.
Well done.

[Blackbirdsong]

This is really a masterful read. You tell a story in this poem and it has a flow and ease to the structure and description that adds to that story.

Favorite stanza - perhaps because you skillfully did not tell us all the details, but left some up to us which gives it an evocative, mysterious feel -

"As he walks through the mountains
There's blood left in the snow
All thanks to this,
His pace has turned slow"

well done

[Sam Freeland]

Though I was very moved by poetry at 14, it took me 64 more years to begin writing.The
impressive criticisms that are given here at the Cafe, can give all that is necessary to become a fine poet when someone with your sensitivty to nature and reality has the desire. While I
know that I am a rank amateur, I have learned in a short time that the people here are
better educators than most who think they know more than their students. Your use of
rhyme is excellent. How you see the elements of nature is superb. While some critics have
gotten use to certain forms, your originality is far more important because it is yours alone.
I liked your poem as is very much. Change it only if you can make it closer to what you feel.
The poem you reviewed was the first effort of a dear friend who lost her Mother and the
greatest love of my life. Her poem and my tears showed me that she had more feeling than
anything I have read at the Cafe. Keep writing and never give up. You will get there. sf

[Sean Allen]

well, this is far better than I had expected, and you know what that means.
I think if we don't like a poem, we needn't say anything, just go to another. I believe that if we have suggestions on how to make one better, that is our obligation.

If I may, I'll give you my thoughts, I'm on my fourth Rum and Coke right now, so if I say something totally off the wall just ignore it and don't hate me. By the way, I expect you to do the same for me.

Through the freezing forests
Over the rushing rivers
The rain spits in his face
As his whole body shivers .......... this stanza is just fine as it is

The thorns have cut him open
The rain has made him slip
But thoughts of her keep him going
On this cold, intense trip .............. Here I would say On this cold 'and' intense trip
it flows better
As he walks through the mountains ...... good
A trail of blood is left in the snow .... not ok.... try something like 'There's blood in the snow'
All the cuts caused the blood ... duh... cuts caused the blood... scrap the whole line
Now his movement has become slow... try something like "His pace has turned slow"

The days go by slowly ....... great line leave it as is
She lives so far away ....... She lives far away
Should he regret this journey?
Or continue on his way....? this the essence of the poem and is perfect

sa

[Jonathan Bryant Dean]

I like the story that you have told. I think that since he has come this far, he should press on!

JBD

[Raef C. Boylan]

The first seven lines are amazing.
I'm not a massive fan of the eighth line, but it's ok and I think Lizzie helped you improve it.

"Now he has become slow" - this line, i think, spoils it - the tenses kind of match up and kind of don't, and it reads like it's been slotted in just to rhyme with "snow". I think you need a tiny bit more detail, like maybe "Now his steps become slow" or "His pace starts to slow"...something extra. Just a suggestion.

You definitely have potential, as Les Vrana says.
In only a few weeks, your writing talent has grown so much.

Thanks for sharing.

[Lesley Wood]

I'm amazed at the young talent on this forum..your definitely one of them. You are going to be incredible with more experience.