~about cats

~about the cat

 

 

I am convinced cats live on a different plane of reality than we do. Dogs don’t even get cats. This may be why the ongoing feud between the two “domesticated” creatures continue to this day. Dogs are domesticated. Cats tolerate us humans for food. See, I get dogs, and while mine is a bit “emo”, believing he has rights to the bed, kitchen and pretty much anything that involves food, a dog can connect. They are there with big eyes and eager hearts waiting for their people with wet tongues and wagging tails.

But cats really just don’t give a s**t. Cats sleep in the day, preferably on your most valued possession, be it a treasured piece of jewelry or a pair of your sexiest underwear. They are stealthy ninja-like creatures and slink about the house, sliding along the walls. When they do walk through a room they choose a route  such as, over the couch… stepping on your head should you be sitting on it..under the coffee table and across a curtain rod.

There are the occasional slip ups. Like when a cat misses a step on a  curtain rod, and hangs there, two paws clinging as the cat goes down, The actual fall is suspended as cat claws hold tight along a curtain as it slides downward,  taking the rod with it. The cat lands on his feet, while the curtains are shredded from sharpened talons….rod broken and the whole mess in a pile on the floor. The cat will walk away, as though that never happened. They never look back. A dog would be peeing in the corner waiting for its person to come home and have done all it could to cover the mess up. A cat leaves it there, replete in the knowledge that people are here only to clean up behind them.  

Being nocturnal, they are the perfect predators. When they do that kneading thing, to wake you up….you know,,,, before the alarm clock goes off, TWO hours before, it is speculated by some they are checking one’s vital signs for weak points! When you try to pick up a cat it is like separating Velcro from a Nerf ball. They hiss, their claws stuck in whatever they are perched on, annoyed you are moving them without permission. They stick to everything. Have you ever had a cat lay in your dirty laundry pile? Just try and move one. All your panties end up with runs, the cat puffs up like a blow fish, and things fly everywhere. Even short-haired cats can poof their tails up like a toilet brush when they are freaked out.

 

I never have really gotten cats, but one lives in my house We pass each other without much notice, and he has learned that waking me will end up with me unconsciously playing, “Bowling for Dollars” with kitty in my sleep. I deal with the red claw marks all over my arms when I am awake, with only a vague recollection of being batted on the ear right before sunrise. The dog groans, snuggled up next to me when the alarm goes off. That is the cat’s signal to take cover and hide under a piece of furniture. Yep, I am fairly certain cats are aliens sent to monitor us.  This feline conspiracy is supported by “cat people”. Those are the ones that think it is cute when a cat chases something that is NOT there, plays with lasers and takes off running for NO APPARENT reason. I have concluded it is in moments such as these that cats have made contact with the mother ship and are following orders from some life form outside our known world. Yep, I am a dog person. I am sure cats have made note of this and it is written in a book somewhere on another planet. Nuclear annihilation doesn’t worry me at all. I am telling you now….. it is cats we need to watch out for.

 

 

 © Katherine Wyatt   All Rights Reserved   2016

Reviews

[Robert Francis Callaci]

Hilarious, I couldn't have said it better or funnier myself , scratch that, I could have never have said that as funnier or eloquent as you. A true joy to read. Obviously I'm a dog person too, and have always suspected that those damn cats are aliens sent to spy on and torment us.

A well written satiric treat. Satire at its best


my warmest
bob

[Katherine Wyatt]

~thank you so much for reading this and I so appreciate your input and comments.. I actually had some of those "cat people" take offense lol and had to put a "cat liking disclaimer" on this work... (I am actually much more of a dog person too!)

Ty so much