The Snake

As I walk I took a break
saw a brightly colored snake
its eyes glared at me
in no second she bit me

My arms were locked with yours
then suddenly you changed course
I felt helpless without your touch
but I realized you didn't care much

You looked at me with some sort of disgust
like I was the one whose act you can't trust
the wounds it left was small
but pain is too much I was about to fall

then it hit me
the things I didn't see
the reason why you wanna flee
it was her you love, all this time it wasn't me.

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

I'm impressed!! I kinda DON'T like getting impressed because I am then to suffer no real substance in a small comment or speech about how darling, dear, and/or involved my heart was in your poem!! : ) It reads to me like a story that turns into a proverb, but it is as innocently poised as one would possible wish to read where I am taken to my childhood in some degree, and wishing I had those first "hand-holds" of my favorite girl with me. Just so adorable. The third stanza felt you you were trying to reach for words that were not readily there in the first initial thoughts about what to write to poem, and I think it was just the word choice that didn't give as much detail to how I received the ending rhymes of the first and second stanza. THOSE rhymes at the end gave me a safe sort of feeling that what I was reading had integrity, and I Love that in your poem. That last stanza, after making the case for what was leading up to this moment, was very nice to see that the first word was NOT capitalized!! It's defeating, the emotions felt, and it is a perfect way to end a poem with such raw a circumstance to be heard, Candace!! You are so beautiful and I was rooting for you the whole entire way until I hear what happened, and my heart wanted to break. I Loved how you easily got me to want to hug you and gasp aloud!! If the third line in the last stanza read "out" instead of "flee", I think the end rhymes in the last stanza would become one of your favorites read by your friends on here. Also, you take a poem like this that deserves to be read by many AND leave a space above and below it so it can be seen without blending in with the links, copyright, and title..... Very nice!! Beautiful, Candace...... xoxo -Your Mark

[candaceflynn]

wow! thank you for reviewing this poem. it's a really nice feeling when someone appreciates your writing specially mine bcoz i don't really know much about this kinda stuff. i just like do this thing for fun or when i'm bored. or just whenever i feel something or when someone opens up their feelings and i feel like telling their stories by writing these poems. thank you, thank you for spending time to read and comment on this poem :)

[Patrick Henry]

All the reasons you write are the ones that attracted ME to writing. I have only been doing it for about 2 years now, and I never would have read YOU and others if I didn't. : ) Thank YOU!! You are beautiful and the way with words you have is certainly a talent that should be explored to some degree if it remains to be just a hobby of yours!! xoxo -Mark

[candaceflynn]

thank you! i was really thinking of expanding my knowledge about writing so as to pursue it in the future. YOU are definitely one of the reasons why i would really want to do it. thank you again! :D

[Patrick Henry]

My friend list would Love you!! They are sweet, talented, adoring fans and artists, easy to talk to, and have not created stress or bullied anyone I know of. : ) ...why they are there. That is why YOU are there, now. lol xoxo -Your Mark

[G]

A situation that resonates with me significantly, awesome write 🙂

[??????]

That's a pretty deep write:) Loved how you used the snake metaphorically:)

[candaceflynn]

thank you! :)

[??????]

Your very welcome:)

[khalid]

it is really painful when the ones we love dont feel the same as we do. i liked this poem so much really..very nice similarity between the one pretending to be loving and the snake..

[candaceflynn]

yes that's true. thanks again for reviewing khalid! :)

[khalid]

welcome..it was a pleasure for me

[Leslie Philibert]

nice rhymed verses from a poet with talent...

[candaceflynn]

thank you philbert! :)

[4$H]

Continuity, Metaphors and idea: #MINDBLOWING
:O

[TheSweet]

This was great, I enjoyed the metaphor and you've got some nice imagery in there. The only problem is I think you might be able to tighten up the end, using me to end 3 lines, and rhyming it with itself sort of breaks away from the flow of the poem somewhat. It has the potential to be stronger if you know what I mean. Hope this helps. :)

[candaceflynn]

thank you! your review really helped me. i'd keep that in mind and try to find alternative on that one. it was an on the spot thing so i didn't really think about all the words i'd put. thabk you again! :)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Choosy snake :) lol love the uniqueness of the voice of this poem, stunning and great. glad you share :)

[candaceflynn]

thank you! :) it's my pleasure.

[Matthew Kult]

Hello Candace,

Venomously Striken
Well done.

Always,

Matthew
A.

[candaceflynn]

thank you Matthew! :)

[Matthew Kult]

Welcome

[Guilt]

People that love the snake deserve the snake. They're just fangs and venom. A sad twist at the end that I did not see coming. That brightly coloured snake stays in my mind.

- Guilt