Frozen Heart

A girl is frozen to death because of her boyfriend's frozen heart

Frozen Heart

 

        At first I was unbearably cold, but that didn’t last long. Next there was a sharp pain that radiated throughout my entire body.  I started to shiver uncontrollably.  Pain gave way to tingling and before I knew it the numbness had set in.  My blood slowed in my veins and darkness surrounded me.  They’re not coming back, I thought.  I am going to die here alone.  Is it possible to die of a broken heart?  I am dying, but not just from the cold. 

        How did this all come to pass?  How did I end up lying at the edge of a field in the snow?  It all began one fall night at the beginning of my freshmen year. That was the night that I met Curtis. 

        I had lied about where I was going.  It wasn’t the first time that I had lied to my parents and it wouldn’t be the last time.  I told them I was studying at a girlfriend’s house"I think.  It has been too long to remember and too much has passed since then"too many lies to keep straight.  So, a group of students were out at Tim’s house at the edge of town.  Tim’s parents were away and he was having a bonfire.  All of us sat around the fire at the edge of his pond and got drunk and cheap bear and a little left over whiskey that Tim had stolen from his parents or someone.

        There were a couple of people I knew there.  Deanna, Jen and Alise had managed to make it.  Jen was my best friend.  Deanna was her friend.  Alise was the new girl in town and had just started hanging around with us.  I didn’t know Tim really, but it didn’t matter. Tim’s good friend Brian had invited me.  Brian and I were neighbors and had known each other since grade school.

      Curtis was from another town, Mayflower, about fifteen miles away from Summerville.  He had partied with Tim and Brian before, but I had only heard his name mentioned until that fateful night.  I didn’t think much of it when Curtis introduced himself and handed me a beer.  From that moment on, Curtis stayed close to me.  He sat beside me at the bonfire and even put his arm around me.  Nothing more happened that night.  Not even a kiss.  I didn’t really want to kiss him at that point.  I wasn’t even attracted to him now that I think about it.

          So how did I end up in a relationship with him?  It kind of just fell into place and I just found myself with him.  I never planned it or thought about.  He was just there and I let him take control.  He wanted a relationship with me and I just gave in.

          It happened gradually.  We didn’t even see each other until the following summer.  Curtis was staying with his older brother in Summerville and we happened to bump into each other out at the lake.  He and his brother Larry were camping at the same time my uncle and aunt had taken me camping.  We hung out together the whole weekend and ended up exchanging phone numbers.  He called me as soon as I got home and called every day after that for nearly a month. 

         One hot summer night I rode my bike out to his brother’s place on the other side of town and that is when we got together.  They were all drinking when I got there and soon I was drinking as well.  When I was feeling sick, I asked if I could lie down. 
        “Why don’t you come lay with me in my bed.  I am about ready to pass out myself,” Curtis said.

         I shook my head; “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

        “I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to,” he replied with a sly grin.

       I stood there silent for a moment, unsure of what to do.

     “Awe, come on.  It isn’t such a big deal.  Where else are you gonna sleep? With the dog?  With my brother and his girlfriend while they are f*****g like rabbits?”

     “I told my mom I’d be home by ten.”

     “S**t, its already midnight and you ain’t in no shape to ride the bike of yours home.  I could see if shitfaced Larry would drive you home….  You’d be better off staying here with me tonight and making up some lie tomorrow morning when you get home.”

       I believed him.  I felt there was nothing else I could have done.  Tired, confused, and drunk I followed him to bed.  I was afraid of getting in an accident with Larry at the wheel and I was afraid of being either hurt on my bike ride home or caught being drunk once I got home.  My only choice was to stay and face the consequences later.

       That night Curtis took my virginity.  I never said no, but I can’t help but thinking that I never exactly said yes either.  It was more like I was simply too tired and drunk to protest.  His kisses were sweet and they made me feel incredibly warm and tingly all over.  Of course that could have been the alcohol instead.  But what did I know?

       Curtis considered us a couple from that night on.  He called me his girl and my old lady whenever he spoke to his friends about us.  What I didn’t find out until a year or so later, was that he had called about five other girls the same thing at about the same time!

        Needless to say, my parents hated Curtis from the get-go.  When they first found out that he and I were dating, they actually tried to talk me out of seeing him.

      “He is no good for you!” Mom exclaimed. 
      “He is trouble if I ever saw it!” Dad added.

      “But I love him!” I protested.

      I couldn’t understand why they hated him so much.  All I saw was how he made me feel loved.  Since Mom and Dad divorced, I had felt empty.  Oh, now I know that they loved me, but I didn’t feel as if they did.  Dad moved out of town and so I saw very little of him.  Mom did her best to raise my little brother and me, but she was at work so much that I didn’t see much of her either.  I know what all the books say about abuse, but I simply wasn’t abused as a child.  I was the only person I know of in my family to fall into such a horrible situation.  It didn’t appear to be a part of any larger cycle or anything.  It was just my stupid, stupid mistake.  Call me gullible or naïve, it doesn’t matter.  In the beginning I was too blind to see and then at the end I was too afraid leave.

       Too bad he wasn’t afraid to leave me or I might not have died.

       After nearly a year of dating my mother forbade me to ever see him again.  This only proved to make me what to see him more.  We snuck around and I tried to hide our relationship for another whole year.  My mother suspected and confronted me on more than one occasion, but I always lied my way out of it.

       I lied to everyone I knew at one point or another.  I lied to Curtis to keep him happy and I lied to myself about how unhappy I was.  What has stayed with me, even until this last moment, is how much I hurt my mother and my friends with my lies.  I wish, more than anything, that I could take them all back.  I wish I could reach out and say how sorry I am.  I just hope that they understand forgive me after my death.

       My freshman year of high school I had been inseparable from Jen.  We did everything together. That all changed after I got with Curtis.  I began ditching Jen to spend time with Curtis.  When Jen and I did hang out together all I talked about was Curtis.  I could tell she was sick of hearing about him, but at the time I didn’t care.  I just wanted to be with Curtis.  I felt lost and incomplete every second I was away from him.

It didn’t matter that he treated me like dirt or often called me things like b***h, w***e, fat cow, stupid and dumbass.  I focused on the times he told me that he loved me and would die for me.

       Lies! All lies!

       I thought about leaving him, but then he would say something like, “Who would want you?  You are nothing but a little s**t.  You’ll never do better than me!”   And I would believe him.  I always did.

       I was serious about leaving him the first time that he hit me.  I did, in fact, break up with him.  We were apart for about a month, before he came crawling back.  He pleaded for forgiveness and I took him back.  He told me he’d never do it again, that he would quit drinking and everything would be okay.  He loved me more than life after all.

       My mother was right.  As much as I dread saying so, she was dead on.  “He will kill you!  It is only a matter of time!”

      At the time I thought she was overreacting and being a controlling b***h.  That is what Curtis called her�"a controlling b***h.  I believed what Curtis had said to me when I told him about all the fights I had with my mother.  He told me that she just wanted to run my life and that she was taking her unhappiness out on me.  I totally bought into that line of thinking and screamed all those things at her during the next fight we had.  It was as if Curtis was there in the room with us, using me as a puppet to tell her off.  When I saw the hurt look on her face I was ashamed, but there was no turning back.  I had to stand by what I said.  After all, Curtis was the one who made me feel loved.  Mom just made me miserable.  All she did was boss me around and yell at me. 

          

       Mom had grounded me when she found out about my latest adventure with Curtis.  Last week we had taken off for Mayflower together and then ended up nearly fifty miles north in Woodbury.  Curtis wanted to take me up to see his older sister.  He wanted us to get away and be alone for a while, spend some quality time together away from all the people who were against us seeing each other.  We could find some peace and quiet in Woodbury he told me.  Thing would be good for us there.  He could be happy for once and maybe we wouldn’t fight as much.

       Things were good for us in Woodbury.  We drank, talked and made love.  It was as if we were the only two people in the world.  Too bad the police came and drug me away.  They threw me in Juvie for the night and then Mom came and picked me up.  The whole way home she said nothing to me.  Her silence was worse than if she had really laid into me. 
       The next day she calmly told me that I was grounded until further notice.  I was not to use the phone or leave the house except to go to school.  I was not to see or even speak to Curtis.  In fact, she was working on sending me to live with my father in Darlington.  Perhaps then I would finally get my act together. 

       Curtis called about a week after I was put on house arrest.  He told me that he and his friends were coming to get me.  He wanted to pick me up that night, but I convinced him that I would have less chance of being caught later on.   I told him to come on Saturday afternoon. My mother was going shopping for Christmas and leaving me home alone.  When I heard my mother come down the stairs I whispered to Curtis that I loved him and hung up.  Quickly and quietly I dashed over to my spot on the couch.

          “Who were you talking to honey?” Mom asked sleepily.

          “No one.  It was the TV.  Actually it was me talking to the TV.”

          “Its late.  Why don’t you shut that thing off and come to bed.  You’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

           I sighed.  “Okay,” I agreed as I flipped the TV off with the remote.  I crawled into bed excited with my secret.  I dreamed about running away and living with Curtis.  Together there was nothing we couldn’t handle.  It would be us against the world.

           The next day was Saturday and Mom had left early.  I was supposed to clean the house from top to bottom before she got home.  I was in my white T-shirt and jeans getting wet doing the dishes when a car pulled into the driveway. It was an older car.  Larry had just bought it to fix up I was told.  Curtis first honked the horn and then came up to the porch.  I answered the door.  Before I could even pull on a sweatshirt or coat, he pulled me out the door.

          “We have to go now.  Larry wants to go get a case and then pick up his new ball chain in Reedsville,” he said.  I could smell the alcohol on his breath.  It wasn’t unusual for him to have a breakfast beer and drink all throughout the day.  I didn’t think a much about it at the time.

           “Let me just finish up,” I started.

          He grabbed my elbow and pulled me out the door. “Now! We don’t have time to wait.  Besides, your mother might home any minute and spoil this for us.  You don’t want to get caught do you?”

          I drew in a deep breath and closed the door behind me.  I left my keys, my purse and my coat all inside.  I hated to argue with Curtis and avoided confrontation at all costs.  I didn’t want him to go off and start breaking things or start hitting me again.  I hopped in the car.  Curtis rode shot gun and I was stuck in the back seat.  We sped off into the cold, snowy afternoon.

         It was after Larry and Curtis had bought and consumed the case of beer, but before we had reached Larry’s girlfriend’s house that it happened.  We were on some back roads, getting lost.  I had no clue where we were at.  All I saw from the small dirty window in the back was the endless fields rolling by.  I guessed we had left Pickering County and were headed into Warwick County. 

           Suddenly we were slidding.  I am not sure what caused us to lose control, because I wasn’t paying attention. I was bored and half asleep at the time.  We slid off into a ditch and came to rest in front of a telephone pole.  I wasn’t wearing my seat belt and so I thrown forward into the seat in front of me.  I hit head my head, but that isn’t what got my attention.  My leg had been under the seat and it was twisted in the wrong direction as I was thrown forward.  I screamed in pain.  Instantly I knew it was broken.

         Curtis and Larry opened their doors and got out.  They had some minor cuts and bruises on their faces and arms, but seemed to be fine other wise.  They helped me out of the back seat and then decided what to do next.

         “We can’t hang around and wait for someone to come by.   We will end up in jail!” Larry cried.  “I ain’t going to no jail.  Never had a DUI and I never will!”

         “Then lets cut across this field and try to find a place to call for a ride,” Curtis suggested.

           The three of us started out across the field.  Curtis and Larry started out ahead of me and were walking pretty fast.  I called to them to come help me.  I couldn’t put any weight on right foot without it killing me.  I needed someone to lean on.   They helped me limp along for some time, but it was a slow process and they were in a hurry.  They were panicked that someone would see them.

          We had just come to the edge of a small glen of trees.  Fields surrounded us on all sides.  The trees lined a tiny stream that wound back around to the road we’d just come from.  Curtis made the decision.  He said, “We are going to have to leave you here and come back for you.  You are slowing us down too much.  It would be much better if you stayed here and waited.  When we get a ride, we will come back for you.”

          “But I am so cold.  At least let me have your jacket!”

          “No!” he snapped.  “I need it.”

          Tears started to roll down my frostbitten cheek. 

          “Just stay put and don’t talk to anyone.  We will be back before you know it!  I promise it will be okay.”  And with that he and Larry left.  I watched him disappear into the cold, dreary day.  My heart sank.  I kept telling myself it would be okay, but inside I knew.  I knew he wouldn’t be back.

         It feels like it has been hours, days, weeks even. I know that it couldn’t have been more than a few hours.  I thought about going back to the car and then I thought about trying to catch up to them.  When I decided to go back to the car, I got only a few feet from our stopping place.  The pain was too much.  I simply couldn’t walk on a broken leg.  Unsure of what on earth I could possibly to do to get myself out of this situation, I sat down in the freezing wet snow.  I sat and I sat.  Then I laid down and closed my eyes.

I prayed that someone would find me in time, but I had a feeling they wouldn’t.  It would be too late by the time Mom got back from shopping and called the police.  They wouldn’t trace the car or find Curtis and Larry for weeks, even months.   I had to accept that I was going to die.  I was going to freeze to death, and rather quickly.

         As I drift off into my eternal slumber I find myself filled with a mixture of feelings. I am mad Curtis for doing this to me.  How could he just leave me�"the woman he loves and would die for�"to freeze to death?  He must have a heart made of ice to do that.   I feel bitter and betrayed.  But I also am mad at myself.  How stupid could I be to believe all of his lies?  Perhaps I deserve to die if I am really that stupid!  More than anything I feel regret for the life I did not get to live, for the life I wasted.  As slip uncontrollably into the unknown darkness of death I only wish for one thing.  I desperately long to cry in my mother’s arms and say I am sorry for not listening to her.  I know now that she was the one who truly loved me, not Curtis.

 

Author's Note

This is based on a true story. I read the mother's point of view in a magazine back in 2005.