Previous Version
This is a previous version of Struck.
Struck
The sun beats down, casting an illuminating
glow. Dusty roads mark the outline of the village. I can see trucks speeding
down the dusty road. Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud.
My feet hurt slightly as I stand on the
patio. The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio. I hop from foot to foot in
avoidance of burning my feet.
I continue to watch trucks speed along the
road. But my stomach churns in dizzying knots. I go inside and grab something to
eat. In our fridge, is a sandwich encased in plastic wrap. I devour it in
rather large bits. I decide to go for a walk. I slip on a pair of strappy
sandals on.
I have no particular destination in mind.
My feet guide me down the caramel coloured road. My sandals are a pale blue
colour, but the dust covers them in a brown dusting.
I am lost in my thoughts I don’t hear the
honking of a truck. Nor do I hear the frantic shouts made.
I don’t pay attention until it’s too late. I
hear the screeching as the rubber skids on the road. The fumes waft to my nose.
I hear my bones crunch as the car strikes me.
Wow, awesome! this is really good, the ending is like sooo good.
heres some ideas for it:D
-add a little more to the begginning so we know the character a little better... i wouldn't add more to the end though, cause its really good!
-'Dusty roads mark the outline of the village. I can see trucks speeding down the dusty road. Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud.' that doesn't really make sense, and also dusty is used twice....
-'My feet hurt slightly as I stand on the patio. The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio.' two patios kinda close together, and also maybe you could have it like this, 'The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio that I stand on; I can feel my feet burn'.
-'In our fridge, is a sandwich encased in plastic wrap', i dunno, I think that might soudn better like, "In the fridge I find a sandwich encased in plastic wrap."
-it seems like there is a few fragment sentences, so maybe you should join a few to make them longer..
Just some constructive criticism! It’s a really great story, I love the end a lot, and seriously think that you don’t need to make it too much longer!!! Good job,:)
Well I like them short, and this was just that, some improvement could be made, if you should read it aloud to yourself, you may see where it's needed, still a very good concept, well done
Wow, awesome! this is really good, the ending is like sooo good.
heres some ideas for it:D
-add a little more to the begginning so we know the character a little better... i wouldn't add more to the end though, cause its really good!
-'Dusty roads mark the outline of the village. I can see trucks speeding down the dusty road. Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud.' that doesn't really make sense, and also dusty is used twice....
-'My feet hurt slightly as I stand on the patio. The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio.' two patios kinda close together, and also maybe you could have it like this, 'The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio that I stand on; I can feel my feet burn'.
-'In our fridge, is a sandwich encased in plastic wrap', i dunno, I think that might soudn better like, "In the fridge I find a sandwich encased in plastic wrap."
-it seems like there is a few fragment sentences, so maybe you should join a few to make them longer..
Just some constructive criticism! It’s a really great story, I love the end a lot, and seriously think that you don’t need to make it too much longer!!! Good job,:)
While i think it could have been just a little bit longer, i thought this was great, you should write stuff like this more often.
Keep up the good work:)
Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance.
- Carl Sandburg
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