ha-ha

just another day in the life

ha-ha, doesnt care ha-ha,     not again      ha-ha, got away with it ha-ha, ha                 ha,

just another

day

in

the

life

but

what if i dont want another day what if i want another life what if im tired of running myself rampant pushing the pedal to the floor and pretending theres still enough gas in my tank to push myself forward

what if   im not the lucky one who gets away with dodging bullets, what if all i really want is for one to hit in a way that cant be brushed off so that someone will  finally  ask me whats going on and i wont have the option to hide behind a laugh like i  always  do because im tired

   of

      it

im tired

of doing this to myself getting asked if im okay and writing five drafts trying to answer it just right like:

1. i dont know but can you please stay awake until i fall asleep just in case i need you [delete]

2. im kinda lonely and kinda sad but im still breathing so i guess thats good [delete]

3. there are avalanches inside of me and everything is just building up momentum even though every hour feels like days and i cant do anything im supposed to and i dont want to do anything about it either i dont know which way is up even though im absolutely certain im spiraling straight towards the ground i dont know if ill die on impact or if ill transcend the earths crust and go straight to hell but either way i dont think im going to make it through the night [delete]

4. of course i’m okay babe :) why wouldnt i be?? [Sent: 2:54 am]

because there is no middle ground between sick and needing attention and i dont want to find out which side of that line i stand on because in all honesty i think it’s a combination of both, there is no middle ground between depressed and successful and if there is i certainly havent found it yet because my god every time this illness rears its ugly head i collapse there is no functioning there is no maintaining theres a collection of scars red rivers and jet black ink and i dont think thats just a metaphor i mean goddamn i cant even bring myself to stay in school because the walls are caving in and jesus christ everyone is gonna know

but nobody even notices im gone and it makes me wonder if i disappeared forever would it finally say ABS next to my name in class and when i tell you  i dont want to be here  i dont think you understand because i say it all the time, i say it in class and at home and even in the car which always makes you laugh and say   how can you not want to be here? youre driving, we arent really anywhere   but see the here i dont want to be is alive and i want to veer off the road discover what it really means to be nowhere and everywhere all at once, maybe ill prove myself wrong and become a ghost, leave a note in your mailbox that says you were right about the ghost thing and i am watching over you so dont ever think you are alone and―