Nothing good happens after 2 in the morning.

“I hate you”

“what did you say?”

“have you heard that phrase that goes ‘I hate you because I love you too much’?”

“I have”

“I hate you”

“I hate you too”

And that was a lie, from me because i didn’t know what hatting him felt like yet, and from him because maybe he loved me a little, but not enough to hate me for it.

 

AM unknown time.

The phone rang at the perfect volume, so the sound wouldn’t reach the other rooms but it would make it to my ears. I Woke up and Looked to the caller ID, he was drunk again.

“why wont you answer me?”

“Because i was sleeping” lower than my grades, sleepy and kinda sexy voice of mine.

“i told you I would pick you up, go wherever you want”

“i didn’t see my phone”

“I can pick you up right now”

“What time is it?”

“3:12 in the morning”

“where the hell do you want to go?”

“we can go wherever you want”

“would you dare?”

“we had already had this discusión, of course i would”

“let me see if i can get out and i’ll call you”

There was no way i would escape  my house at 3:12 in the morning, no way I would have done it to se him. Even if i wanted to there was no posible way to get out without my parents noticing.

Oh but there was…           

 

4:00 Am

“Open the door you crazy, I’m freezing”

The doomed car opened it’s doomed door and there he was.

I doom that man.

He indeed was drunk and smelled like party and Looked like party and was there in the pilot seat waiting for me to get inside the car. I didn’t know if my heart was Racing for the crazy My-relationchip-with-my-parents-and-social-life-is-over-if-i-get-caught adventure of because of him, i honestly don’t know how i didn’t get a tachycardia.

“you owed me this, we said we would escape together a long time ago”

“i didn’t think i was actually capable of doing it”

“but here we are”

And there we were. In the car parked somewhere near my house, where no-one could ever find us, the World felt ours in that moment. No, there actually was no world, it was just the inside of that car (doomed!) and the promise of an intresting morning. Adrenaline wasn’t just running through my veins, at that point I was made of it .

 

“I have to tell you something. My brother says he’s so in love with his girlfriend, he’s actually Ready to purpose to her, but he cheated on her last night while drunk, I told him not to say anithing and keep up with the plan, because he’s more regret than man at this point. What do you think?”

Conversation went of for about 20 minutes. Even through it was freezing cold outside he was hugging me like before, again nothing existed but us.

“you Smell like rave”

“I also taste like rave”

“oh yeah?”

“vodka and tequila and some other coloured things I can’t pronounce, look”

That was it.

I like to think that there, in the early morning I forgot who I was, my name, the story I had with him or with anybody else. Forgot all those hearts, all those flowers, all those times my heart burned for a kiss. All of that was lost in some time in some space. And it wasn’t just about him. In the end he’s just a doomed man with some past in which I’m mentioned once or twice. It was about something else I havent yet discovered.

I remember kisses burned. I could feel in my skin the vivration of the cords of the guitar that was playing in the radio of the doomed car felt so near, so real. As we lost track of time, we lost everything. I remember there was more than just to bodies tangled up in one. There was longing, theres was a feeling of finally being able to show to eachother how we felt inside.

“What about Anna?”

“What about her?”

“How are things between you and her?”

“We’re not oficial yet, but we’re geting there”

‘But now you’re here with me’, I  thought and as the time flew by we would swich between confessing secrets, laughing, singing and kissing every part of our bodies. The worlds that I so much wanted to hear all along were said inside that car, the fears that i never heard of, the reasons that I never had the chance to understand. It was like that game when you can do or say whatever you want for 10 minutes and there will be no concecuences afterwars. Diference was just that we were there for about two hours.

 

I got to learn that when you are that in love with someone you clearly don’t think straight. its like an ilusion because you are there and everything feels higthened and at the same time it feels like you’re not the one inside the car, you have no control over the sea of feelings that come to your body. And maybe you can’t stop the downpour, but you’ll always join them for a walk in the rain.

And I joined him.

 

There’s absolutely no way I could have not lost my virginity in the back seat of that doomed car. At the time I did not felt cheated on, didn’t feel like a second choice or a temporary escape of a reality that he couldn’t stand anymore. Because the idea of being his escape was all that I needed. He had chosed me over that reality, over the sleep, over maybe being caught by his parents, he had choosed me for a change. A year later I won at last what I hadn’t. I finally had him begging me to see him at 4 in the morning. A moment I had longed for a long time. How wrong I was to think of that.

 

“I hate you”

“what did you say?”

“have you heard that phrase that goes ‘I hate you because i love you too much’?”

“I have”

“i hate you”

“I hate you too”

 

Now I hate him. For all the times he made me believe that there might be something to rescue from that love that for me was like chernovil’s disaster but for him was just another lit cigarette.

 

By 6:30 he was gone and I started to catch up with reality. I went to sleep with half smile on my face but by the time that i woke up the hangover that was supposed to be for him, hit me.

Eventually i've drowned him on cigarettes and sports and diets and alcohol in a mixure of what's good and what's bad, because in the end of the day, loving you was the most exquisite form of self destruction that i've found and that's what we all do. Humans survive because we get caught up in so many contradictory ways of self destruction that we live, oh hell if we don't.

Author's Note

I don't know what to think about it yet so I really need feedback.I wrote it very quickly so i haven't had the chance to really put my mind into it but still, I hope you like it and please be honest.