Cashiers and Mayonnaise

Supposedly amusing...

I hate clocks. Why? Because they remind you that it's always two hours later than you thought it was, an inadvertent reminder that you have better things to do than watch The Soloist... And secondly, the incessant ticking noise when I'm alone in a quiet room... drives me nuts. 

I'm pretty sure that's why the Swiss got into clockwork. They wanted come up with their own version of Chinese water torture.

 And my blinking patterns always synchronize with every other beat; Don't know why that happens, but it does. It's just a fact of life.

Like when you're in a grocery store looking for the Funnions, and then all of a sudden a song that you just detest comes on, and without thinking, your foot starts tapping in rhythm. Fact of life.

You don't realize you're being a hypocrite, (because you've told everyone you know you hate this song) till you start humming the chorus at the check out line. 

Then you have to explain to the cashier, in ten words or less, that you actually hate this song, but you're singing it because the grocery store masterminds are in cahoots with E.M.I., to make sane, rational, cat-loving, milk-purchasing people hear the outcome of their poor musical investment decisions. 

This carries on 'til at last you've heard it so many times that you can recite the lyrics, and have succumbed to the pressure of popularity. You buy the music. 

Where as, under normal circumstances, you would have never even know who this artist was. 

"That's why Corinne Bailey Rae's fans are all Raley's shoppers." 

Ten words.

Why go through all that trouble? You feel that you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, under normal circumstances. You're a moderately self-confident individual, right?. 

Sure, until you step into the grocery store, then the game changes. 

Still think you're in your element? Well, there's a conspiracy involving the chasiers at register 1, 3 and 7. See, they reserve the right to mildly harass you for your purchases.

I will list my reasons why this is so, as "1" and "B"

A): Because they were created to perform menial tasks (i.e. scan Corn Flakes), Saving enough energy to devise a way to make you question your own judgement. So next time, YOU purchase more expensive brands to save yourself the embarrassment of having comments made about your choice of cereal.

Ergo: Raley's profits.

And 2): Because up until 2004, they could legitimately psych you into believing you were on Candid Camera in case things got out of hand. 

Ergo: Raley's profits and you keep coming back because you now think you're a Z list celebrity. 

 So, when they give you silent judgement over your excessive purchase of bananas, or question why you got the dipping chocolate without the strawberries you will invariably reply, "Well, maybe I already have strawberries at home." (You don't) 

"Maybe I have a pet chimp at home who likes bananas?" (You don't, you got the dip and bananas for that fondue party tomorrow, but you told him that to get him off your scent, and to make you appear more interesting. 

Now he's thinking: Wow, she's already got strawberries.) 

"Yes, I have dry eyes, that's why I got the drips," (Why would anyone bring that up? Everyone knows: you don't discuss feminine napkins, and you don't discuss Visine) 

"I hate trees, that's why I'm choosing plastic." (I speak from personal experience: Never say this at Trader Joe's.)

I was once in a check out line with a kid roughly my age behind me. It was New Years Eve, and it was clear he was heading over to a party. Chips, red plastic cups, club soda, dip, the works. So I started the conversation that's normally exclusive between cashiers and patrons.

"I see you're going to a party,"

"Yeah," he didn't look too bothered with the fact I had been mildly judging him for the past two minutes.

"I too am heading to a party," I joked gesturing to my item. Mind you, I was purchasing mayonnaise.  

"Yep," I said, "We like to keep things real,"

"Okay," he said. Somewhere outside, I swear I could hear crickets chirping.

Now, I understand the lack of feedback it if it was a bad joke. (And you know it's a bad joke if 1) it wasn't funny or B) you have to explain the joke, which I end up doing more than I'd care to) You know, Best Foods' Real Mayonnaise. Hyuck, hyuck. (I know... don't quit your day job.)

This was something only cashiers would understand because they would actually look at the label, unless you're one of those people who laugh before the punch line. 

What do you get when you cross a bear and a deer?

Ha ha! What?

(Awkward pause) Okay, moving on.

It was beer, by the way. 

I said the exact same thing to the lady at the register (About mayo, not beer), and she gave a sheepish grin, which at least suggests mild amusement. 

Alright, 1 for 1. 

Or 3 for 5 on specially marked labels... 

One of these days I'm going to run into Raley's, fill my shopping cart with bananas, get two rolls of bubble wrap, 5 cans of shaving cream, 20 fillets of steak, a sympathy card, and let the cashier and bagging boy draw their own conclusions. Then, after everything's been bagged and paid for, if it were still 2004, I'd say, "See that red blinking light over there?"

Now I realize that this isn't even mildly amusing to most of you. Except for those people who laugh before the punch line. And even then, it's a bit of a toss up. 

I read this to my mother, who looked up and said, "Okay, maybe you need to read this to a different crowd."

Wait a minute! 

People who sing to their mothers, who in turn say, "That was great, you should audition for American Idol," are brought back to reality in public, and then turn out to be on Season 8's Top Twenty Rejects list.

Now, if you sing to your mother and she says, "Maybe you should just go to college," and you're brought back to reality in private, you know you're going to end up Season 8's number one reject. Do you remember that guy on season 8? 

Well, he has a sister in comedy.

Author's Note

Alright, here comes the sad part... when the writer is brought back to reality (in public) from that American Idol for Comedians fantasy.

Tell me what you think. Be bold, be Simon.

Just don't say I sounded "like a hippo when you sing that."

Reviews

[Dark Aeris]

After having a bad day, reading "We like to keep things REAL." honestly made me laugh more than I should have.

Your humor is something I'd imagine someone next to me saying, commonplace humor that most people would probably ignore, or as you said, hear crickets when someone didn't get the joke. Anyways, humorous write.

Nice job in keeping things real! And also thanks for letting me know, better to be brought back to reality in private. xD

[ATG]

This was very amusing. Overall, it was very well written and entertaining. I found myself chuckling out loud a few times. I really liked this part....

"Yep," I said. "We like to keep things REAL."

That made me smile and laugh pretty good. I agree with Tegon Maus. You should write more of this if you haven't already. As a final note, the title was great. Caught my attention and gave me a good idea how the story was going to be. Overall, this was a great story.

[Tegon Maus]

Slim !! That was great ! You have the same sense of humor as me! I'm thrilled to finally find one of my own !! Your mother telling you “Perhaps you should just go to college” had me rolling on the floor ! I enjoyed this very much... by all means do more of this stuff it’s fantastic !