Letter 5

your fifth, november 2019

November 20, 2019

To you,

You hurt me. You’re still hurting me, a year later.  You broke my heart with meaningless words and looks and kisses. You can’t give me anything except pain. It’s a lesson, what I’ve realized it that I deserve happiness. But saying it means nothing, not when I get drunk or sad or lonely, it’s a mere declaration, something I should believe in. What I want to believe in is love, the look in his eye, his touch, the linger of his hand. But what I have is you. The memory of you hands, your kiss, your broken promises, your lies. How can I move on with so much left unsaid, undone? Suffocating in the past. How can I trust him? Give into him? There is no healing this brokenness. It went unacknowledged, unhealed, unloved for too long. How can I still want you, your attention when I hate you so much? How can I want you in my life when all I want is to forget you? How can I think you’re right when all I want is to want him? How can I need him like I need you? How can I forget you? All I ask is that I can move on, some how this wound can heal, an ugly scar a reminder of who you were. That I can love again, trust again, feel again. That I can give in without sinking into the darkness, without thinking of you. How can you still infect my mind, my heart, my life? How can I be happy again, without you? How can I forgive you? How can I forgive myself? It’s so much more than words but actions and a mindset filled with love and compassion. While I know this, there’s nothing I can do right now, nothing really makes it better. Am I better? How can I be better, for my self? How can I forget you and remember him? How can I forget you and remember me? How can I forget you and remember me? 

How can I forget you and remember me?