The Pardoners Poem - Inspired by the Canterbury Tales

My own introduction poem for the Pardoner, from the Pardoner's point of view, as found in Jeffery Chaucer's Famous "The Canterbury Tales"

I AM THE PARDONER 

I am the Pardoner, forgiver of sins, and deceiver of the wise,

No one has ever been intimidated by my size.

My body embraces many attributes,

Standing just about five feet 6 inches tall,

Upon my head stands yellow hair, long, thin and dull.

I don’t believe in facial hair, no beard has ever been placed upon my chin or anywhere

I have big bulging eyes like that of a white tailed Coney,

Innumerable times have I been called a phony.

Church is the most extravagant time of them all,

Teaching a lesson and singing a song always standing strong and tall.

Asking for more, shall I still, yes that’s why I am bold.

And into my hands fall an assortment of silver and gold.

Now you may be thinking, why that dumb chap,

He is a greedy old fellow, with a strange cap.

While this may be true, continue to listen,

I am much more like you. 

My cap is very special to me,

I have a sown relic upon thee.

A cross smack dab in the front,

Never will it be bunt.

Some people tend to think I have too much junk,

But I cherish everything in my trunk,

A pillow case with our Lady’s shroud,

And a glass of pig bones, always shaking loud.

I even have obtained a piece of a sail on the boat,

Peter rode before he stepped out onto the water and took a gloat.

While I ride my horse on my favorite road,

Always searching for my prey sometimes I hear a random toad.

In my lap always abides my wallet and a stone cross,

On my horse alone, for I have no boss.

What is my favorite thing to do, do you ask?

Why share a story, share a rhyme,

Make some money, even if only a dime.

Other than that my friend,

There isn't really any more to tell, lend or bend.

And now we have come near to the end of my anecdote,

But before you leave, would you like to try on my coat?

Why it’s the finest relic of them all,

 I hope next time I don’t fail to mention it and drop the ball.

Why this coat was worn by Christ himself standing upon the hill,

 Satan tempted him when he stood still.

 

Try it on if like; in fact ill even sell it to you in a deal,

5 pieces of silver, oh what a steal.

 If you like, I’ll throw in an indulgence as part of my grace,

Save a friend time in purgatory, the quicker you can speak to his face.

You don’t believe me do you say?

Well, if that’s the case off I better go and help that poor fellow up the hill,

I know the man quite well, for his name is Bill.

In Fact I think I might be able to make a dime off him,

Just last week he lost his limb.

You say I don’t have good morals do you,

Oh, stop that chatter and go talk to sue.

She is right over there by the potter,

In deed she might show you a holy relic I bought her.

I’d Best be off by Now!

I shunt miss out on a rare opportunity,

I never know when I’ll be in this willing of a community.

Goodbye young pub, have fun with that hay,

Maybe we can meet some other time down by the bay.