A Story by Kittybell

Its about a young girl left home alone while her parents were out and is attacked by a masked boy. The whole incident turns out to be a horrible nightmare.... Or is it?



I grab my right side, gasping, trying to catch the air that escaped my lungs. I search the room for my attacker who is nowhere to be seen. I hear static and look towards the TV. As I stand to walk to the TV, the pain in my side increases, causing me to scream and collapse in pain on the floor. I start to hear a voice, a man’s voice, dreamy and deep like the ones you hear in movies. “I recognize that voice,” I thought aloud. As I look around for the person speaking. I notice that the TV no longer has static. A film of some fort has replaced it. As I sit on the floor, trying to stop the blood from my wound, I watch the TV. There’s a man with a black bird mask, with a long nose, black feathers at the top, beady eyes, his brunet hair sticking out the top.
                “Hello Katherine. I see you must be in a lot of pain. How do I know you might ask? Well Katherine, I will give you a hint. I gave you that wound on your side. I think it was poorly done, but it’s deep enough.” The man on the TV says in a cool voice. He seemed pleased with himself.
                “How did he get in my house? I made sure everything was locked,” I whispered to myself.
                “Simple Katherine, or may I call you Kat? It’s called a key, easy thing to make if you have the original of course,” he answered.
                “You can hear me, How?” I flinched from the pain.
                “I have my ways, but it should be obvious, microphones Kat, microphones.”
                “What do you want?” I gasped. I pushed on my side, trying to hold back the pain.
                “Nothing in particular, just some revenge is all.” He said with a smile in his voice.
                “What have I done to you? Who are you?” My voice was starting to rise.
                “It’s not you I want revenge on my sweet Kat. You’re just a beautiful 16 year old girl, with your long light blonde hair, slender figure and forest green eyes, which was stolen from me. That’s all.” His anger was starting to show.
                “What are you talking about?!” I was starting to realize who this man was. I started to stand. As I stood, the pain increased almost causing me to collapse again. I walked slowly towards the TV, as if it would give me the answers to the questions running through my head.
                “THINK KAT!! WHO DID YOU DUMP JUST LAST MONTH?! WHO ARE YOU CURRENTLY GOING OUT WITH?!” He screamed through the TV. I could hear him in my house. He was somewhere in my house, but where?
                “Derek? Is that you? Why are you doing this?” I reached the TV and collapsed, the pain too powerful to sty standing for too long.
                “Yes it’s me. I loved you Kat! I still love you! WHY DID YOU GO TO HIM WHEN YOU HAD ME?” Derek tore off the mask to reveal his face. Tears were streaming down his face from his beautiful ocean blue eyes.
                “Stop this Derek. Don’t do this.” After I finished he was gone. I heard the footsteps coming from the stairs to my right. I slowly turned my head and there he was, knife in hand and tears streaming down his face.
                “Don’t worry Kat. Your boyfriend Xavier will be with you soon.” Derek sobbed out the words.
                Before I knew what was going on, he was on me. I was pinned tot eh floor with his knife to my neck, and knees holding my arms to my sides. I was so scared I didn’t even notice the pain coursing through my body.
                I felt warm liquid running down my neck. I realized now that he was pushing the knife against my neck hard enough to slice it. I notice the pained look on Derek’s face as he held the knife to my neck. I tried to move to escape his grasp and reach a phone. He notice and held me tighter. The movement mad the knife dig into my neck, causing me to scream from both my injuries.
                “Don’t Kat. This will only be more painful that is has to be.”
                There was a knock on my front door and a male voice. “Katherine? You ok? I heard a scream.” It was my neighbor Sean.
                “CALL THE COPS!!” I screamed before Derek covered my mouth with his knife free hand.
                “You shouldn’t have done that Kat.” Derek removed the knife from my neck and slice threw my purple turtle neck and my skin, drawing a thick line of blood.
                I tried to scream but was muffled by Derek’s hand. There was a sudden bang on the door.
                “Katherine!! Are you alright?! The cops will be here in five minutes!! Open the door!!” Sean hollered from the other side of the front door. The police station was just at the end of my street and you could hear the sirens start.
                “Promise you will come back to me and I will end this right now.” Derek tried to explain calmly.
                There were sirens outside my house but he didn’t move off of me. He just stared at me until the cops rushed the house and handcuffed him.
                I woke up in a hospital bed with my mom holding my hand beside me sleeping. I looked at the clock on the wall above the door to see it was almost seven thirty PM. I tried to sit up, but the pain in my side and chest prevented me from doing so. With the movement my mom sat up right with concern, her face drowsy. I reassured her that I was fine as I held back a flinch. I laid there staring at the ceiling trying to remember what had happened, how I got here, and how long I was asleep. I remember all that had happened with Derek, and the police rushing into my house. I also remember that being home alone when all this had happened, watching TV on my couch in the living room while my mom was on a date with my dad.
                As I started to count the ceiling tiles to jump start my memory, I remembered the ambulance putting me on a stretcher with Xavier at my side. I was placed into the ambulance and say my mom sit beside me and then it all went black. Now I just needed to figure out how long I have been in the hospital asleep.
                A doctor and police officer walked into the room, the doctor looking at a clip board with a knowledgeable look on his face while the cop looked worried.
                “So you are finally awake after three days Ms. Katherine. I’m glad you’re awake. I have both good news and bad.” The doctor said with a calming voice trying to ease the tension in the room.
                “Good news first please doctor.” My mother said looking just s worried as the officer when he walked in.
                “Well, the good news is that Katherine will heal just fine with minor scars.”
                “And the bad news is that Derek escaped police custody last night at midnight. We have no idea where he is or where he will go, but we have units everywhere looking for him.” The officer said in a hushed tone, almost reverent.
                When I heard his name my face sunk. I could only think of the worst case scenario. He’s not finished with me yet. My mind started to swirl with fear and questions. I started to feel dizzy. I griped my mother’s hand as hard as could, causing her to flinch and look at me with concern. I started to shake and everything started to go black. My mother called my name, but I didn’t respond. I was already out, fainted.
                When I finally woke up after that incident, my mother had gone home. Visiting hours were over. I tried to go back to sleep, but I felt a sudden chill from the window. I looked over at the window and noticed it was open half way. I started to get up to close it but fell back down from the pain in my side and chest. I closed my eyes to block out the pain when I noticed someone in the chair next to my bed. I looked over half expecting m mom, but to my horror I found someone totally different towering over me.
                As I stared up at him with a horrified look he started to laugh. It was such a horrible laugh that sent chills down my spine. I opened my mouth to try and scream but ended up closing it again due to no sound. I tried to reach for the nurse button but I was frozen solid with fear. All I could think was that I was going to die, right here in a hospital bed with nothing on but a paper dress on. With a sudden pain in my chest my world went black.
                I jolted straight up, flinging my blankets off my bed. I looked around trying to remember where I was. I am home in my room in my own warm bed. That’s right. None of that really happened. I thought to myself. There was a cold sweat streaming down my body, soaking my pajamas to my skin. I slowly bent down to the floor to pick up the blankets I flung off my bed when I noticed someone standing right in from of me. I slowly looked up to find Derek kneeling face to face with me, knife in hand resting on his knee.

© 2008 Kittybell

Author's Note

Critique however you want... No sugar coating!

My Review

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I would like to say that I agree with a lot of the stuff that Type O has said - this is a subject that has been covered lots before however this is a well written piece. I think prehaps you could have had a little less dialogue, but that is just my opinion.
This piece had lots of tension, largely due to the point of view you used to narrate. Despite it being a long piece you manage to keep the tension and the chill going.
Great write. Congrats on this piece.

Posted 15 Years Ago

You've written this really well, managing to maintain the tension and suspense really well. I feel that there could be a bit more done in the hospital, just before Kat blacks out again to relieve the tension before piling it back on again, but as it is, it stands just fine.

I find it really interesting that you give the power of describing Kat to the antagonist - it adds a very creepy feel to the piece, with subtle sexual undertones and a disturbing focus on detail.

Although you manage to keep the tension high, the ending is somewhat clich�d, despite your reversal of its usual form. While this could be another tension release, in which case I would recommend extending this period (for example, Kat could go to the kitchen to grab a glass of milk or something, and face Derek as she leaves), it is alluded to with the very title of the story. As such, I think that you need to work more on the ending, alter the title, or create an apparent nightmare climax earlier.

Then again, these are just my ideas. There are a couple of minor editing issues (such as a missed letter in stay, early on), and an interesting word choice in 'brunette' hair to describe Derek. Generally 'brunette' is reserved as a noun for women with brown hair. If this was an accident, you'd want to shift the word slightly (brown works well enough); if this was purposeful, you'd want to add a few more suggestions of femininity to Derek's character. As it stands, the knife is somewhat phallic and goes against this entirely!

Still, I enjoyed reading it. Well done!

Posted 15 Years Ago

that was worth reading!
Thanks for the post!

Posted 15 Years Ago

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3 Reviews
Added on June 4, 2008



I love to write but do more stories than poems. If you want more than that too bad for you! more..

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