Saving Anny

Trailer to my new book. It´s.... well.... you decide.

"Momy.... help. It´s here!... Mom!" 

A scream woke me up. It came from the room of my daughter.

"Wake up!" I yelled at my wife.

 "Anny!"

We ran up to her room. It was the first on the right. 

"F**k!... the door is locked." 

"Break it in! Do something!" Joan was yelling at me. "Anny! Anny! Open the door!"

I took a step from the door. "Move honey!"

I aimed the lock on the door and with a swift kick, I hit it whit all my might.

"Oh my God!.... " 

My wife was on the floor. 

"Told you to move... Honey?... You're ok?"

"Momy! Help!... Please help!"

"I´m coming, Annie!"

This time I hit the lock and the door swung open.

"Jesus!"

Anny was hanging in midair as if something was holding her by the neck.

There in the shadows, I saw a silhouette of something. It was the shape of a tall male, arms and legs stretched to cartoonish proportions. A dark shadow. Holding and choking my dear Anny before my eyes.

"Let her go, m**********r!" I yelled at the creature and jumped right at it. 

"Oh... GOD." Joan sad whit a silent and shaken voice. "Oh.. my f*****g head."

In that moment I knew, even if I defeat the monster in the room I´ll have to deal with the other one in the hallway. "yeap... I'm fucked either way." I thought to myself.

Leaping towards the creature I managed to grab Anny by her legs and we fell to the ground. The moment my head hit the soft pink carpet the monster vanished to the darkness it came from. 

"Are you alright?" I asked Anny. She was crying and reaching towards her mother.

"Honey... are you ok?"

She looked at me whit a gaze which was more expressive than any words can ever be. 

"You´ll better do something about this or I´ll..." She didn´t finish. Just grabbed Anny and carried her in her arms to our bedroom.

I stayed up all night... went to the small bookcase I have in the dining room. I turned on a small desk lamp and went thru all the books I have. After a couple of hours, it occurred to me that self-help and cooking books won´t have the answers I seek. "I know..." I sad. "I´ll search the internet." 

Usually, I don´t talk to myself, but it helps the narrative of the short story, so... yeah. 

I stayed up till the sun rose. Hours and hours on the web taught me, that Facebook, Twitter and porn won´t do s**t whit my haunting crisis. So I did what I saw in the movies.

I light a candle... scraped a pentagram on the hardwood floor in my dining room and turned on the Justin Bieber's Baby Baby song. Occultism level 9000.

"Face me demon! Cometh forth and show your face, if you dare!"

After I woke up from the severe a*s-kicking I received from that demon thing, I decided to call a priest.

My beautiful wife came in and the only thing I could think of was: "She is so beautiful, like an angel... I can´t lose her or my Anny."

She came closer and stopped right in front of me.

"Just like an angel..." I thought. "An angel. Pale, beautiful, with big b***s and an even bigger black eye".

"I hope you have a plan." She sad with a slightly irritated voice.

"All taken care of... Honey. I smiled.

She looked at me once more and I fell to my knees. 

"That was for the night!" She sad and left me on the ground cupping my balls after a direct bullseye with her knee to my Humpty dumpties.

Two hours later....

The doorbell rang. It was the priest.

A nice older man. He was smiling and didn´t look as if he´s that molesting type. But just in case a locked Anny and my wife in the bedroom.

"I´m glad you could come, father."

He looked at me and sad: "Don´t worry son. I´ll take care of this." 

After a few questions like: 

-who else is in the house

-how long do we live here 

and

 do I have a son?

 He entered my daughters bedroom.

"shot the door son."

So I did.

The only thing I heard from the room the room was: Jesus, Mary, Jozef, God

And after a while: S**t, F**k, B***h...

"Help me!" 

The priest yelled from the room. "Holy s**t! Get me the F**k out of here!"

I breached the door... again. Only two things went cross my mind in that moment. "Who the f**k is paying for this and I´m really getting good at this."

The priest was hanging from the ceiling, kicking around. I tried to attack the demon but when I jumped at him... well... you know.... I flew through him. He´s a ghost for f**k sakes. 

And furthermore I busted my daughters closet. 

The demon disappeared just like before. The priest came to his senses in a minute or two and the thing he sad just froze the blood in my vanes.

" I can´t help you!" 

"What?" I asked. "What do you mean you can´t help us?"

He looked at me, grabbed my hand and sad whit a shaking voice: "no one can help you."

"Use the Bible, voodoo or whatever! Something must be done!" I felt sick.

"NO...not with this one." he sad.

I was sick and angry: "WHY?!"

"The holy book can't stand a chance... no religious text ... noting."

I looked at him with fear: "Is this evil so powerful? Is it the devil himself. Is really GOD powerless against him?"

He looked at me and nodded his head: "Yes..."

"Oh no...." I started crying.

"Yes, son. The demon you´re dealing with is an atheist.... In other words.... you´re fucked!"

Trailer... pt. 1

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems, what do you think,

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

I can appreciate the zany twist on the typical occult/demon story. You have a lot of humorous little details (especially that last line) and an entertaining story concept. The biggest thing I would suggest is to slow down a bit. Take some time to further describe things that are happening, and don't be afraid to split up complex or difficult to describe things into multiple sentences. This could make for a truly hilarious story with an unorthodox narration.

[Goulden Bean]

I concur with Clifford's opinion here. You move so quickly from one line to the next that not much of the humor can really flourish. I would suggest spending time developing the people in your story before involving them in humorous situations.

Another example is this line: "She looked at me whit a gaze which was more expressive than any words can ever be." That doesn't really tell us much. Did she have a look of sorrow? Of horrified anger? Of disgust? Of an "I'm gonna get you back" look?" We need more exact detail so that we know what's going on and to keep the tone on track.

I like your ideas here though. The idea of an atheist ghost sounds funny! Just polish up your execution (because yes, the grammar does distract), and you could have a great story!

[crowcapital]

Thank you. It's heplful to hear what is exactly wrong. The grammar is a major issue and I'm working on it. Thanks

[Tony Jordan]

Great premise and good dialogue - thoroughly entertaining.
This reminded me a bit of the irreverent but totally funny movie starring Scottish comedic actor Billy Connolly - "The Man who Sued God" (2001)

[Anjali]

Oohh.... Suspense, I love it! Can't wait to read the next part. Please tell me when you upload a new part. Love it.

[crowcapital]

I have the first chapter. It's weird... but....
Follow my blog if you're interested in the progress. If I finish my book you and clifford will recive the first two copies.

[Anjali]

Really? I would love to read this story, cuz it looks awesome! But, from where Can I follow your blog?

[crowcapital]

Its here on the site. Check my profile and there should be the blog link somewhere. If not go to minds.com and search for crowcapital

[Anjali]

Ok, thanks!!!