Grief

The man is just killing time on that table

He is not able, to accept the reality 

Of his decisions that turned fatal 

So he's thinking of his existence quite radically

The heart was once red, full of vigor 

But the mind is a killer, it's called over thinking

So in attempt to ease the tensions, there goes

another bottle of liquor

Because you aren't you when you're hungry

but he's empty inside his soul, he needs honey

but not a lot of sugar like a snicker 

Grief is the greatest thief

of our tranquility within

But if you freeze and breathe

and let the breeze relieve all the

grieve

It will decrease and will release

... the man within

Reviews

[wordman]

great job Jason depression is a real killer,some even call it a demonic spirit

[Sami Khalil]

"Grief is the greatest thief

of our tranquility within

But if you freeze and breathe

and let the breeze relieve all the

grieve

It will decrease and will release

... the man within"

Just adding something ;Grief is part of the process of healing but scars stay with us until we have total forgiveness or justice in the end...A splendid read and write...

[p.kuhl]

I think the second stanza is really solid, I liked "sugar like a snicker" . The other two are a little forced for me, the rhyming is too predictable and I think some better enjambment could help break it up a bit. I would just go through, add some interim lines to spread out the rhyming, and put EVERY word you've chosen on a pedestal of life or death. Is there a better, more vibrant word you could use? Or does it even need to be there? Ask yourself these questions.

[CRZ]

I inteded to write the ryhmes one after another. Everythimg I do is for reason. Appreciate the feedback. The message is more important

[p.kuhl]

I understand completely! And I think the message is clear and strong. I just wanted to offer some advice on possible revision.

[CRZ]

Yeah. I appreciate your remarks. Thanks for reading btw

[gombeggar]

I can dig a lot of these lines...u express the feeling of pressure and release quite well

[Avinash]

Time is the beast healer. All we need to do is to hang on till the change of weather.

[Aethereal]

You seem to enjoy writing psychological poems. Breathing techniques for relieving stress have been around for thousands of years. You have invented your own style of expression. Try to add more rhythm into your lines. If you can sing your lines with a rhythm, then you're there. Everything in existence has a rhythm. All a poem tries to do is match that rhythm. Meaning is entangled with rhythm.

[Johanna Rae Reyer]

You captured the feelings of grief in a way that made me read this twice. This is quite fantastic.

[Anubis Sisters]

I love the flow and rhythm of this piece. I can also relate to this poem. i just simply love it! Its a great piece. keep it up.

[Will Neill]

Reads a bit like rap, nice work.

Will

[CRZ]

Yeah, I'm a MC (poetry on instrumentals) lol , Thanks