Darkness Within

Closed in by a darkness,
a bleak coldness that
Consumes me, dragging me
under eating away at
this old bitter heart.

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.

For I have dwelled here so long,
that I've lost the will to believe.
The only light that reaches me is
from a lost soul that once had
Hope.

Reviews

[Daryl]

I like the dark imagery, and I think its conveyed well. I love writing that delivers feeling directly like this.

You might be able to add even more power to it by applying a little more of the "show rather than tell" approach. For example, the middle stanza is currently:

This pain is unbearable
As I scratch at the wall
with tattered nails. Please
release me from this hatred
That holds me in this static state.


But if you make it less passive and show me that unbearable pain, make me feel it, put me in that position of being gripped and held motionless by the hatred, it has even more punch.

Maybe something like this? --

I writhe in agony, beg for release,
Broken fingernails clawing at
The icy steel walls of
This prison of hate

(Or, well, something like that. Sorry -- it's late and my brain's getting fuzzier by the word.)

That last stanza carries the feeling of despair very well for me. Nice! (In a dark sort of way, of course!)

[~*a beautiful disaster*..]

this piece and very dark yet so captivating...basically what im trying to tell you is...i loved it.

[Kim Kruger]

"The only light that reaches me is
from a lost soul that once had
Hope."

Superb! One of the best lines I've seen in the many poems I have read and reviewed here at the cafe.

[Joseph - Michael]

For some strange reasons, it sounded like the endings of all of the fairies and the begining of the world without the magic, you know? I mean, no one believed in the fairies anymore, that's why they don't exist anymore, yet there are few still believe in them, so there are still the hope for the fairies to resurface once again. That's what it sounded like to me. Other than that, it's still great...

[Dezaraye]

So heartwrenching and scary to be in this place. This is vivid.

[Reed]

A beautifully written poem. Full of isolation and silent rage. Wonderful piece.

[Red Raven]

'The only light that reaches me is
from a lost soul that once had
Hope. '
- This sounds like some torture where nothing can compensate.
The whole piece seems like an endless sadness and eerie.
I really love the meaning behind it.
Thanks for sharing.

[BrightEyes]

the powerful grip of hatred...bitterness and all of that. I've found very few sayings of the psychobabble to hold validity however...that hatred only hurts the one doing the hating most certainly does seem to hold true. It only breeds discontent within one's soul and leads to isolation from people as a whole. a dark and haunting piece...very well written.

laura

[Sara]

i like how the writer wants to be released from hate, i think sometimes that we dwell too much on things we hate and don't pay enough attention to the things we enjoy.

[Tara Jean Olson]

lovely! the graphic is very applicable

[bradysgrl2000]

I loved this poem, it does bring back dark memories to me as well. It acts like a catharsis to my soul. Very good write.

~Bev~