Paying Bills

A Story by DontBlink

My husband will probably never allow me to pay the bills again

I stood with the remote in my hand, flipping through what seemed to be two thousand channels of Turtleman and the Maury Povich sort of tripe. I needed some noise in the background so that I could pay bills. Tim typically did bill duty, but he was in D.C. on yet another PAC adventure where he was trying to woo politicians to give him funding hope. So, there I was, channel surfing.

Suddenly, I dropped the remote. There, on the Emmy Jane show was MY HUSBAND! I was stunned. Two women were fighting over him. Both claimed to be his wife and both had CHILDREN! Have I mentioned I was stunned? I watched through to the commercial and then I marched to the pantry and pulled out my trash bags. What man needed three wives?

I took the trash bags back to my room and began dumping his junk into them. I filled ten bags with shirts and shoes and underwear and school memorabilia. I began to put the jewelry in but decided to pawn that instead. I put the garbage bags in the front yard. Then, I called the credit card company. I reported that there was fraud because he was in D.C. and his card was showing charges in California. I repeated this action with the credit union. Pleased with the fact that he now had no access to money, I cancelled his cell phone under the same circumstances. Over the next three days, I changed the locks, reprogrammed the garage door code, and I wish I could remember everything I did in the name of revenge and anger.

A week later, I was getting ready for a job interview. I was going to need to work now that Tim was probably going to jail for bigamy and wouldn't have enough money to support three wives and five children. When I opened the door, there, on the porch, sat Tim in all of his grungy, shaggy glory. I gloated.

"Tammy! What have you done? What's going on?" he demanded.
"Three wives. Five children. Loser." I glared.
He looked stunned. His mouth opened as if he were going to say something to me. It closed. It opened again and incoherent babbling issued from that vile orifice. I continued to glare.

He wiped his hands over his face and then stared at me.
"If you will excuse me, I have a job interview to get to, " I spat.
"Tammy." That was all he said. Something in his face made me step back. "I left you the envelope. I was in a hurry and I forgot to tell you. I left you the envelope. I put it with the bills. Didn't I put it with the bills?" Now he sounded panicked.

It was my turn to open and close my mouth like a fish. The bills. In all of my rage, I hadn't written the checks.

"Tammy, Emmy Jane is a parody show. Emmy bases her comedy on reality television. I left the papers about the whole thing in the bill pile for you. And you don't even watch tv."

I ran back into the house and sorted through the bills. There was the envelope. I found the contract for his appearance in the envelope. I turned around and smacked into Tim. He held a check in his hands. It was a check for $27,500 for his appearance on Emmy Jane, a comedy show based on reality television.

© 2014 DontBlink

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Reviews

Listmaker

Good writing. Suspenseful. Surprise ending. Something I found puzzling: how did he get into the house when Tammy had the locks changed.

Posted 10 Years Ago

10 Years Ago

She found him outside the door when she opened it. Since you are the first to question, I'll have t.. read more

roarke

Fun concept. Fast paced. Over the top and headed into outer space. There's a curious part about him coming home a week later and she finds him inside the house. It might be better if she just sorts through her paperwork and by accident finds the letter he left for her. Just food for thought. Nice writing.