TRUTH (Revised Edition)

This is the completely revamped edition

TRUTH

(Edited version)

 

What will become of you when the truth is set free?

You stand atop this mountain of your creation

erected for whose sake other than your own?

It hides the truth buried inside;

the shattered souls, the cheated lives.

The ground upon which you stand is an illusion.

Do you feel the tremble?

When your mountain comes crashing down; while you lay

broken amongst the spirits of those you’ve manipulated

                             and the truth is set free, what will become of you?

Author's Note

I completely revamped this tonight and I thought I would post the new version and then include the old version here, underneath. I would love feedback on which you think is the better version. I would really appreciate it. Don't be shy, let me know what you think. :) Thank you!


Lost in a world you’ve conjured,
for whose sake other than your own?
Standing atop the mountain
you, alone, have created;
shattered pieces of souls taken,
cheated lives piled high.
The ground upon which you stand
is an illusion; threatening to crumble.
Do you feel the tremble?
The truth is buried inside;
the truth you try so hard to hide.
Tell me, what will become of you,
when your mountain comes crashing down;
while you lay broken amongst the spirits
of those you’ve manipulated?
Tell me, what will become of you
when the truth is set free?

Reviews

[OT]

ooo I love the revised one!! the original is really good too, but I think the revised one plays on all the best bits of the original - so it reads much stronger and more philosophical almost whereas the original I think is a tad bit slower (more words)!!! so for me - I prefer the new one! ha

[James Paulin]

I like the underlying emotion that motivates this interrogation. I had a thought that you might consider. Add one more line with a space before it. Ask me if I care.

[Samuel Dickens]

I like the original version better. It reads easier, I think. At any rate, it sounds like the chickens are about to come to roost for someone.

[Looouise]

I must say, the edited version is a lot more powerful than the original. I think you cut to the chase in the edited one, whereas the original doesn't quite have that effect. :]

Over all though, I really liked this poem. I liked the words you used, I liked how you constantly asked questions. It's just a neat poem. :] It definitely does make you think about what happens when the truth is set free.