Ch. 1

Robbins. Robbins Robbins. F*****g Robbins. He’s always coming over to my house and talking to me. I like it though. At least someone comes over to my house, ya know? That Robbins kid though, what a character. Always showing up unannounced. If the visits were announced though, it just wouldn’t be Robbins. I guess you could call Robbins my best friend. Some people think he’s a total f*****g homo but I know he’s not. Last summer I walked in on him slaying this skinny girl. Her name was Michelle or Marissa or something like that. Some M name. My mom wonders why I don’t have a girl best friend like its some kind of anomaly. I ignore her. I get sick of her s**t.

I had this really weird a*s dream last night and I want to tell Robbins about it. Robbins usually has answers for things like that or at least he puts on a good show. I guess that’s all I can ask for. He’s chatting up my mom right now. I don’t understand why. I mean they both don’t like each other. My mom thinks he’s a “fruit loop” and Robbins thinks she is a hypocritical w***e. Robbins likes to act so he’s really putting on a full production here, talking to my mom like they’re gossiping at a f*****g book club meeting or something. A charmer, that Robbins. My mom likes to put up with bullshit so she must be eating this up.

“Robbins, you chode, let’s bounce”

“Language, Muffy”. I want to claw my eyes out when she calls me Muffy. What the f**k is Muffy?

“Oh, Mary Anne, I was just about to tell your mom about how you wanted to volunteer to organize the children’s Easter Jamboree at church this year”, says Robbins. I can tell where he’s going with this. I’m game.

“Oh, uh, yeah mom I have to get service hours for school and I though you know with Easter coming up I might as well do this” lies, all of it.

“Well that sounds like a good idea. I bet they could really use your help. Tell you what, I’ll give you a little money to start you off but you really should collect donations from parents later this week.” She handed me two 20’s.

“Alright, cool. Thanks mom. We’re just gonna go see a movie or something. I’ll be back before midnight”. She nods disapprovingly. She thinks I should have a boyfriend or be going out with my girl friends to dish about the latest gossip. Vomit. Sorry this isn’t Golden Girls.

We get in Robbins’ 500 B.C. Honda Accord and start driving. No idea where were going tonight. Doesn’t really matter.

“Packing cancer?” Robbins asks.

“Of course”, I pull out a pack of Camel lights. We light ourselves a pair of cigarettes and take off.

“I really rocked that Easter Jamboree bullshit, huh?” Robbins says as he exhales a cloud of smoke.

“Totally Oscar worthy. You know what though?” I say, “Jamboree has to be the most obnoxious word. It sounds like the name for an Evangelical worship ceremony or something.”

“Ha, have you ever seen that s**t? It kind of is. People bouncing around, loud noises, and sobbing children.” Says Robbins. “It kind of makes you take a step back and value your sanity”.