The P.Diddy Experience

Based on a true story

“Is that P.Diddy over there? Looking to buy secateurs?”

“Don’t be ridiculous Dave! Why on earth would P.Diddy be in a Homebase in Chelmsford looking to buy secateurs?”

Dave always had a tendency to let his over active imagination run riot. Especially when we were out shopping for 22mm lengths of copper tubing.

“I don’t know? But it definitely looks like him!”

“Dave! It’s not P.Diddy! It just wouldn’t be! Look, let’s just buy this and get back. We’ve wasted enough time as it is! We need to get this job finished today and get paid, so we can take Amanda and Justine to Cambridge tomorrow like we promised!” “Ok, lets go, that was definitely P.Diddy though?”

 

As we leave the exit of Homebase and head back to the van, a small menagerie of over excited teenage girls comes screaming towards us. “Are you wearing Lynx Dave?”

“No? Are you?”

“No?” I replied. This moment of mad young love passed us by like a hormonal express train, hurtling uncontrollably towards the Homebase entrance.

 

“That was weird!” Dave exclaimed.

“Yeah? Must be a sale on at the outside lighting and heating section!” I remarked. “Must be? It has been cold lately!” Quipped Dave.

 

The journey back was fairly uneventful after that, just a couple of speed bumps to negotiate and a small mini roundabout at the bottom of Woodside Crescent . We then turned left and drove up onto the drive of Mrs Stephenson’s semi-detached. She was just putting the rubbish out and the empty bottles for the milkman.

 

“Teas up!” She trumpeted.

“Thanks! Mrs Stephenson”

“ Yeah, Thanks Mrs Stephenson, I’m parched!” Replied Dave.

She carefully shepherded us through into the kitchen as not to damage the paintwork in the hallway with our 22mm length of copper tubing. Two hot steaming cups of PG were waiting to greet our cold, chapped lips.

 

“This might interest you two young fellas? Just heard on the local radio that the young and enigmatic rap hustler and all-round entrepreneur from the States is playing at the Grovner Night Club tomorrow night, Puff Nanny? I think they said his name was?”

 

I almost choked on the tea bag she had left in the cup. “You mean P.Diddy! Mrs Stephenson!“ Blurted an excited Dave. “I told you that was him looking at the secateurs in Homebase! That would explain those screaming girls outside to!”

 

“Well I never!” Chirped Mrs Stephenson. “It seems Chelmsford is finally on the Ding! Ding! Map!”

 

“That’s Bling! Mrs Stephenson, Bling! Bling!”

“Bling! Bling! Indeed!” She repeated.

 

“Ok” I said to Dave, “So it seems you was right? That must have been P.Diddy in Homebase. But why would he be in there and looking at secateurs?”

 

“Isn’t there a track on his new album called Black Tulip? Maybe he’s got some kind of a gardening theme for one of the sets? And was browsing the secateurs section looking for a possible prop?”

“No? The art dept normally takes care of things like that?” I remarked.

 

“Thanks for the tea anyway Mrs Stephenson, drink up Dave! We need to push on and get this 22mm length of copper tubing fitted!”

 

Mrs Stephenson retires to the lounge and settles down for the latest instalment of the cracking afternoon coal based drama ‘Mine Detectives’. Me and Dave beaver away with the work at hand under the kitchen sink. There was obviously something on Dave’s mind as he had been uncharacteristically quiet for the last hour. He then drops a bombshell. “I think we should go to that P.Diddy gig tomorrow night?”

 

“Are you mad Dave! The girls will go crazy! We’ve promised them that weekend in Cambridge !”

“Aren’t you intrigued though? As to why P.Diddy was in Homebase looking at secateurs? If we went tomorrow night maybe we will get some answers? His show might shred some light on the matter? ” Enthused Dave.

“Do you think so Dave? I must admit I’m really perplexed! I just can’t get my head around any of it?” I reply.

“Well, that’s settled then! We should pop over to the girls on the way home. See if we can sweet talk them into coming?”  Dave had obviously lost his marbles.

 

“That’s easier said than done Dave! How many times have we promised to take them to Cambridge now?”

“5 Times?” Replies Dave.

 “5 Times! Dave! Exactly! Each time it’s ended up with either you or me having to make haste to the outside smoking area. Only to find Amanda or Justine weeping into they’re Babychams trying to keep warm by the electric halogen patio heaters. There’s no way they will trade a weekend in Cambridge for a P.Diddy concert in Chelmsford , unless?...”

“Unless? Unless?! What?!” Pipps Dave excitedly.

“I’ve got it Dave! It looks like we could get to the bottom of this P.Diddy question? And with Amanda and Justine still lovingly by our sides!”

 

Mrs Stephenson enters the kitchen. Tears streaming down her dishevelled cheeks, spoiling the Egyptian style eye-lining she had spent so much time perfecting that morning.

 

“Good episode was it then Mrs Stephenson?” Asked Dave.

“Oh, it was wonderful” She replies. Wiping the blackened tears with the tissue she keeps close under her sleeve. “Detective McCloud was able to catch Frank down the mine before he unleashed another of his coal frenzies. This time little Paul’s 2-week-old cocker spaniel Bruce was the target of his coal duggery. Little Paul who’s generally such a careful owner had a momentary relapse. This gave Frank just a small window of opportunity in which to act. He threw Bruce’s bone into the shaft and shouted Fetch!”

“Wow, I wished I’d seen that episode!” Remarks Dave.

“I’ve taped it! If you would like to borrow the video?” Replies Mrs Stephenson. “You could watch it the weekend?”

“Thanks for your kind offer, Mrs Stephenson, but we’ve decided to go to that P.Diddy concert”

“Well I hope you both have a Blinging good time!” Quipped Mrs Stephenson.

 

“The 22mm length of copper tubing’s been fitted! I exclaim.

“Nice work you boys have done to! Now I’ll just go get my purse!”

 

Dave packs up the tools and starts loading the van. Mrs Stephenson comes back with her purse and settles the balance. “Thanks Mrs Stephenson, if you get anymore problems don’t hesitate to call us!”

“I wont young man, thank you ever so much! I don’t know what I would have done without that 22mm length of copper tubing?”

 

“Bye now!” She closes the door behind me and I hurry to the van where Dave is waiting nervously.

"So what was that unless you mentioned before?" Asks Dave.

"You'll soon find out!" I confidently quip.

 

We pull up outside Amanda’s flat. Dave is still showing signs of anxiousness. “Dave don’t worry mate! I have it all worked out! I’ve thought of something that’s fail safe! Just let me do the talking! And you follow my lead!”

 

I press the doorbell. The passage light comes on and the curvaceous unmistakable silhouette of Amanda’s eggcup figure drifts tantalizingly closer towards the chilled condensated glass. The latch is heard releasing and the door opens. “Hi Amanda!”

“Hi You! X! Hi Dave, Come in! Justine is just in the shower she’ll be down in a bit. I was just doing some ironing and getting some stuff together for our weekend away in Cambridge tomorrow. What brings you two over so unexpectedly?”

 

“Well…first of all, have you had the local radio on today?”

“No?” Amanda replies.

“GOOD! Now I’m going to need you to sit down for this?”

“Ohh Kaaay?” Amanda sits down with a puzzled face. Justine walks into the room. Her auburn thigh length hair beautifully conditioned and with a sheen that contrasted well with the peach lining paper of Amanda’s walls.

“Dave! X!”

“Hi Luscious! X!” “I thought I heard you two come in?” She becomes aware of the nervous tension starting to build in the room. “What’s all this then? What brings you two over so unexpectedly?”

“I think you’d better sit down as well sweet cake?” Replies Dave.

 

I gather my composure and begin. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we are not going to Cambridge for the weekend”. Amanda jumps in like a pit bull on Stella Artois .

“THE GOOD NEWS!! HAD BETTER!! BE! F*****G!!! GOOD!!!”

Justine shows restraint but none the less in her mind you can tell she’s absolutely fuming.

“It is good news!! It is! Trust me Amanda!! You know how much you two lovely ladies have always wanted to go and see Celine Dion perform? But were always embarrassed to go because you didn’t have the hats? Well, It just so happens that Celine Dion is playing at the Grovner Night Club tomorrow night! And Me and Dave have both bought you the hats!”

“Oh! Come here you!” Amanda gets up and plants a great big smacker on my cheeks. “X! I love you!” I turn to see Justine and Dave in equal measures of laminated love.

 

“Lets see them! Then!” Chimes an excited Justine.

“See what?” Dave replies.

“The hats!” Says Amanda.

“What hats?” Dave was never the brightest toolbox in the picnic basket. I had to jump back in quick.

“The hats are just having the final touches my sweet pickle at the boutique. Me and Dave will be picking them up tomorrow afternoon and will bring them over to you there after”

“Ohh! I can’t wait Amanda!” Squeals an excited Justine.

“Me neither!” Replies Amanda. “So what are you boys going to be doing with yourselves tomorrow night while we are out enjoying and immersing ourselves in the angelic butter milk sounds of Celine Dion in our hats.”

 

“Were coming with you!” I remarked.

“Since when have you two liked Celine Dion?” Blurts Amanda.

“We’ve always liked Celine Dion! Haven’t we Dave!”

“Yeah!”

“It’s just that because we fit 22mm lengths of copper tubing for a living, we feel we have to butch up a bit in front of the other lads. So we only pretend to like that music of erm…..Oh?…What’s his name?….Ermm….You know?...It’s on the tip of my tongue?…Errm…Piff?…Is it?…..Puff?.…Puff Nanny! Yeah, that’s it! That’s the fella! Puff Nanny!”

“It’s P.Diddy, you idiots!” Snapped Amanda.

“Is it?” Dave replied. “You see sweet? We don’t even know his name? That must be proof that we really like Celine Dion! I’ve even got a copy of the Titanic soundtrack knocking around in the back of the van somewhere?”

“Ok guys! We’d love for you both to share in our Celine Dion experience tomorrow night! But you’ll have to remember to pick yourself up a couple of extra hats from the boutique when you collect ours! You boys are Soooo Soo Sweeeeet! X!”

“Cor? Is that the time!” I remark. “We’d better start heading back Dave? Got a big day ahead of us tomorrow!”

 

Amanda and Justine see us both to the front door. They’re beside their selves with excitement. Similar to that of the teenagers Dave and me witnessed earlier today outside Homebase. We get back in the van. “Are you sure you’ve thought this plan of yours through properly? Dave asks anxiously.

“Yeah? Of course!”

“I’m not so sure? There seems to be a major flaw in it?” Dave Remarks.

“No, It’ll be fine!” I State confidently. “Lets get an early night, with got some serious hat shopping to do tomorrow!”

 

‘Morning listeners! Rise and shine! Its going to be a cold and blustery day with occasional showers, if your heading to the Grovenor Night Club to catch the young and enigmatic rap hustler and all-round entrepreneur from the States P.Diddy tonight? I suggest you wrap up warm! Temperatures could well drop into the minus! Next up after the ads we have the stunning new track by Rick Astley called’

“Dave! Are you up yet?!” I hear a muffled tone from the next room.

“Yeah! I’m just on the toilet!”

“We need to leave in about 30mins to get those hats! I’ll be waiting in the van!”

 

20 mins pass after the initial 30 I’d told Dave when he finally jumps in slamming the door behind him. “Sorry to keep you waiting! My bowels are playing up something awful!”

“While I’ve been waiting Dave, Thought about where we could go to get these hats? Thought we’d try that Boutique in Wickford called Outstanding Hats. We drove passed it once, do you remember? It was when we fitted that 22mm length of copper tubing for Mrs Thorpe last week. Could have sworn that in the small print under the sign it said ‘for all occasions?’

“Perfect!” Dave enthused. “What are we waiting for!”

 

We make Wickford in good time. The boutique was in our visual range. “Look there’s a space there! Quick!” Raps Dave. I give a quick burst on the accelerator and sharp jolt on the wheel without any due care or attention towards the street hungry shoppers I had needlessly put in danger. “That was handy! Right outside the boutique!”

 

Me and Dave enter. The bell above the door rings, alerting the proprietor. The proprietor of this particular boutique manifests from behind the drapes.

“Good Morning Gentlemen how can I be of assistance?” 

“Christ! Don’t Stare!” I tell Dave clasping a hand over my mouth. “Erm?…Hi!….Er?…Yes!..Hello there?” I tried adverting my eyes downwards only to see her name badge ‘Julie’. I now obviously had to raise them back up again.

“Erm..Yes!..Hi!..Julie? We are looking for some hats? You see our girlfriends are big fans of Celine Dion and for years now there’ve been banging on about how embarrassed they are to go and watch her perform because they didn’t have the hats?”

 

Julie smiles a knowing smile that made it even more difficult not to stare at this poor young woman’s face. But I had to be strong. Like a mantra I repeated over and over in my head ‘Her face looks fine’ Her face looks fine’ Her face looks fine’. Dave was doing the right thing and I would gladly have traded places with him. He was just gazing out of the window, keeping his eyes firmly on the van.

 

“You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard the name Celine Dion since I took over this boutique” She said. “I remember watching ‘Top of the Pops’ one night when Celine Dion was enjoying enormous success with her song ‘My Heart Will Go On’ from the film ‘Titanic’ It had been at No.1 for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks. I figured? That this amount of exposure would inevitably bring a whole new generation of Celine Dion fans to the fray that up until that point, had never heard of her. As a result and I’d worked this out fairly quickly! There would be a huge demand for a hat that could be worn by this new breed of Celine Dion fan no matter where in the world and regardless of strict custom controls.

 

“Wow!” I said. “Did you hear that Dave!” Dave replies but with his eyes permanently fixed to the outside world.

“Yep!”

“We’ll take four of these hats please!”

Julie goes out the back to get them. I take a deep breath in preparation of her return. The drapes fly back open and like a waiter carrying trays she promptly places the four hats onto the counter. “Here you go!” I was a little startled.

“Are these the hats?”

“Well, yes of course!” Julie replies.

“Are you sure? You’re not winding me up?”

“Of course not? We ship hundreds of these hats a day all over the world regardless of strict custom controls. Wherever Celine Dion is performing? You can be sure this hat won’t be far behind!”

“OK?” I reply. She wraps them for us and I pay her the money. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough. “Thanks Julie! Bye!” I grab Dave. Once outside we both take a deep breath and give out a slow calm gasp. “Did you see…” Before Dave could finish.

“Yes! So Sad! Now come on, let’s get back, we need to get ready for tonight! Let’s just pop into this chemist first though, get some Lynx!”

“Good call!” Dave Comments.

 

Back at our bed-sit, me and Dave are dressing ourselves up like a dogs dinner. I’ve gone for my finest marrowbone pleated button down and Dave tells me he’s going to put on his favourite trousers by Pedigree. “Are you ready Dave?! Told Amanda we’d pick them up in half an hour!” Dave enters my room.

“Yeah I’m ready!”

“Wow! You smell great!” I enquire.

“That’ll be the Lynx!” Quips Dave and returns the compliment.

“Yeah, It’s a nice one that!” I reply.

 

We arrive outside Amanda’s flat and I press the doorbell for the second time in two days. The passage light comes on and the curvaceous unmistakable silhouette of Amanda’s eggcup figure drifts tantalizingly closer towards the chilled condensated glass. The latch is heared releasing and the door opens. “Oh? Hi Justine?!” “Come in! Amanda is just in the shower she’ll be down in a bit. Ohh! You have the hats!” Squeals Justine excitedly. Amanda walks into the room her blonde razor cut follicles beautifully conditioned and with a sheen that clashed with the peach lining paper on her walls.

“Wow! Look at you two all done up like a dogs dinner! Smell nice too! Oh! You have the hats!” She shrieked. “We are so excited about tonight! Aren’t we Justine!”

“Can’t wait!” Justine replies. Me and Dave sit down and take the weight off our feet while Amanda and Justine put the finishing touches to their make up.

 

“Just out of interest Amanda? How did you wake up this morning?” I tentatively enquire.

“My Alarm? Why?”

“Radio alarm?” Holding my breath.

“No? Just my mobile phone alarm?”

“GOOD! Are we ready then!” We all gather pace and head out to the van. “Jesus! It’s freezing!” We all remark. We make for the Grovenor Night Club in good time. Park the van up and begin to walk over. As we get closer the crowds begin to gather momentum. We slowly make our way towards the queue.

 

“There seems to be an awful lot of black people here?” Amanda remarks.

“That’s a bit racist! Isn’t Amanda! Times have changed, Black people have every much of a right to enjoy and marinate themselves in the divine honey pot sonancies of Celine Dion as we do!” Justine butts in

“But they’re not wearing the hats?” Dave for once was on the ball and became a sparkling spanner amongst the prawn sandwiches. “Perhaps Celine Dion has transformed her image? Maybe she’s hooked up with that producer Timberland Magoo just like Nelly Furtado did?”

“Yeah! That’ll be it Dave!” I reply with relief. The girls seemed to take this explanation well as it had been sometime since Celine Dion was last seen in the charts. Once inside we make our way through the heaving crowds and towards the bar. It was beginning to get difficult to hear each other.

 

“I’ll get these! Amanda!”

“What?!”

“I said! I’ll get these!”

“Get what?!”

“The drinks! What do you want to drink?!”

“I’ll have a Babycham!”

“What?!”

“I’ll have a Babycham!”

“Justine?!”

“What?!”

“What do you want to drink?!”

“What’s Amanda having?!”

“What?!”

“I Said! What’s Amanda having?!”

“She’s having a Babycham!”

“What?!”

“I said! She’s having a Babycham!”

“Same again please!”

“What?!”

“I said I’ll have a Babycham as well Please!”

“Dave?!”

 “I’ll have a Babycham as well!”

“What?!”

“I’ll have a Babycham as well!”

“I heard you the first time!” I manage to get the attention of the bar girl who seemed more preoccupied with texting than serving drinks. “Hi! Yes! 3 Babychams and a Guinness please!”

“What was that?!”.

I lean as far forward as I could, lips close to her ear but not so close that I could have got done for sexual harassment. “3 Babychams and a Guinness please!”

 

We all wade through the bustling and excited crowd carefully navigating our way to the front of the stage as not to spill our drinks. The lights dim and the announcer makes his way onto the stage.

“The good people of Chelmsford ! Are you Ready!” A huge cheer cries out.

“Yes! We are Ready!”

“Are you really ready!” He Repeats. The crowd are now whipped into a frenzy.

“Yes! We are really ready!”

“Then let me welcome onto the stage! For 1 night only! The young and enigmatic rap hustler! And all-round entrepreneur! From the States! P. Diddy!” Dave turns to me. “This was the major flaw I was talking about!” The crowd go ballistic so do Amanda and Justine.

“What?!!!! How?! How?! Could you both??!!!” Tears began to well in their eyes, thumping us away in disgust they hurriedly make for the exit, embarrassed, broken and distraught. Dave goes after Justine. With haste I try and catch up with Amanda.

 

Once outside. I see Amanda weeping into her Babycham trying to keep warm by the electric halogen patio heaters in the smoking area. I approach nervously, sit beside her and begin my apology with a comforting arm. “Don’t!! Don’t Touch Me!! How Dare You!!!”

“I’m so sorry Amanda! I can explain?!” Amanda Barks back.

“Explain! What’s to explain! You have lied from the very moment you came over last night! You and Dave knew P.Diddy was performing here tonight all along didn’t you! And wanted to be here at this! Rather than spend that weekend in Cambridge like you’d promised!”

“But! Swee...”

“Don’t! But sweet me! Do you realise how stupid and hurt I feel! Do You!”

“It’s just tha...”

“Just What!! How could you go to such extreme lengths like that! To deceive us into thinking we were going to see Celine Dion! Even going so far as to get us all hats!!!” Amanda takes hers off and throws it to the ground.

 

“But baby!! Please? It’s not what it seems?! Honest! I really can explain!!” Amanda’s rant was taking its toll. Out of breath and out of tears she takes a swig on her Babycham. I had to try and make her understand? I didn’t want to lose the only girl that’s ever liked me in my marrowbone-pleated button down.

 

“If you can just be patient and listen to what I have to say please? It’s just..”

“Just what!”

“It’s just that yesterday morning Me and Dave needed to get some 22mm length copper tubing from Homebase for that Mrs Stephenson’s job. And when we was in there Dave thought he saw P.Diddy looking at secateurs. I didn’t believe him at first? I thought? Why on earth would P.Diddy be in a Homebase in Chelmsford looking at secateurs? It was only later when we got back to Mrs Stephenson’s that we found out that it was P.Diddy! He was over in Chelmsford to play this gig tonight! But we still couldn’t understand why he would be in Homebase looking at secateurs?”

 

“Why Not?!” Snaps Amanda.

“What do you mean? Why not?” I reply.

 

“If P.Diddy was here in Chelmsford ! Why shouldn’t he be in a Homebase looking at secateurs!” Snaps Amanda again.

 

“Well..”

“Well What!” Snapping for a third time.

“Well he’s P.Diddy isn’t he?!”

“So?! So What!! What’s that suppose to mean?! What! Just because he’s a young and enigmatic rap hustler and all-round entrepreneur that has enjoyed a vast amount of success and status, accumulating vast fortunes and travelling the world in private jets, living the American Champagne dream, he can’t go to Homebase and buy secateurs!! Is that what your saying!!”

“I don’t know?”

“Errghh! Your so narrow minded!!! What makes you think P.Diddy is any different from you or me! He’s still a human being! Flesh and Blood! Heart and Soul! After a hard days Bling! He probably likes nothing better than to tend to his Geraniums!”

“I’m so sorry Amanda! I’ve been such a fool! I don’t know what to say? Apart from having to thank you for opening up my eyes to the bigger picture behind the bling!”

 

What happens next completely knocks me off my guard. Amanda pulls me towards her and gives me a great big kiss. “I forgive you! Silly! X!”

“Eh?” Slightly confused by this sudden and dramatic turnaround.

“I forgive you! My love! It would be hypocritical of me if I didn’t!” States Amanda. Now I was really confused.

 

“Do you remember that time I went to Sweden to visit my friend Inga in Stockholm . “Vaguely?” I reply.

“Well, when I was there. I went with Inga to what would be Sweden ’s equivalent of our Homebase. Inga needed to get some creosote for her sauna. When we was in there. I saw Eagle Eye Cherry looking at stepladders? Like you I couldn’t believe it? Why would Eagle Eye Cherry be in a Swedish equivalent of Homebase looking at stepladders? Inga thought maybe he had some kind of a painting and decorating theme for one of the sets? And was browsing the stepladder section for a possible prop? But I told her the art dept normally takes care of things like that?

 

Later that evening Inga and me go to a club. Guess who happens to be there?”

I have a stab at this one. “Eagle Eye Cherry?”

“Yes! Eagle Eye Cherry! I built up the courage to approach him later that evening. I introduced myself and proceeded to tell him how I’d seen him earlier that day at Sweden ’s equivalent of Homebase. Curious as to why he was there and why he was looking at stepladders? Do you know what he said?”

“No? Go on?”

“He said that he had just moved into a new flat and was doing all the decorating work himself. He just didn’t have a step ladder that was big enough to reach the coving!”

“Well I never!” I Surmise. “Fancy another Babysham?”

 

Amanda grabs my hand, grabs her bag and forcefully frog marches me to the van. “If you promise to take me to Cambridge next weekend? You can stay the night!”

“I Promise!”

That night Amanda and me lose ourselves in a whirlwind of re-discovered passion and yearning. Our lovemaking was so naughty that there aren’t even any words that exist to describe how naughty it was. We collapse like a blissfully expired tax disk. Struggling to catch my breath I turn to Amanda.

“Do you think Justine and Dave will be Ok?”

“They’ll be fine!” She said knowingly.

“Justine once saw Bob Carolgees buying a cheese grater in Selfridges”

Reviews

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

I remember this .. so funny and i do think you said true to an extent .. love your humor .

Chloe
xoxo