2A.M.

2 A.M.

 

I remember when she died the first time. It was so sudden and I wasn’t ready for change. I never like to show emotion because she always told me to be strong. The first night was the hardest. Going to bed knowing I will wake up and never see her loving face is what shattered my heart the most. “Grandma’s know best” is what they always say. Well, how does she know best when she is no longer here? How will she know what to say when I am dumb and make silly mistakes? How will she know when I need her bear hugs when everything else in the world is no longer satisfying? How will I know that her soul will still be around to get me through tough times? That, is the underlying question that keeps me awake on a night like this.

There’s something familiar about new beginnings, the way they terrify us and bring up a nostalgia for something old, something long forgotten. She can never be forgotten. But this idea makes me wonder if it can happen. Oh, how terrifying this new beginning could be. I’m marshaling the internal pain, just trying to grab onto something I recognize, something that’s comfortable. I need her here now. She was the only one who understood the way I did things. We were alike in a lot of ways. When she passed, my grandpa even told me I was always her favorite. That was old news to me because I knew we had a special bond, a bond that could never be broken.

“I love you, Angel.”  She said.

“I love you more, Grams.” I replied.

            We never went a day without talking or seeing each other. It was like that very first best friend you ever had and never wanted to leave, even though you would see them later that night. Everyone knew she was my favorite person and the beauty that came from this relationship was so pure and so real. She was always the first one to arrive at my soccer games and the first one to congratulate me on the win. She always knew that I loved making personal pizzas and playing card games when I would spend the night. She knew me. I always liked to believe we had some sort of telepathy going on, and that she was always on the same page as I was about everything. She never treated me like I was a little girl, but she always loved me like I was a newborn child. I wish I could show you all the moments of pure bliss I had with her. The little times; giddy, untouched, loving and serious kind of times. I’d give anything to show you the moments she looked like, following a really good joke, or the look on her face when our eyes met. I wish I could show you how her eyes would instantly light up a room, the humanness in her smirk when you give her a compliment. These are the things people loved about her, these itty bitty oddities are what made her so lovable. But all of these things are just memories, something to remember her bye. I don’t get to continue making more memories with her, just look back on them.

            I always heard that if you talk to your loved ones who have passed that they can hear you and will respond in some spiritual way. I never believed in that load of bull until the night of my birthday. It was my 15^th birthday, two days after she had passed and I was more than in a deep depression because of her passing. I lay awake in my bed, lights off and staring at my glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the ceiling. My mind was spinning and I couldn’t fathom continuing life without this person by my side. Tossing and turning, sobbing and whimpering, I had nothing left to do but try out this prayer thing. Turing back on my right side, I started talking to her.

“Hey Grams, it’s me, Em. I miss you a lot and I don’t understand why this happened to you or why God put you through this kind of pain, put me through this kind of pain and the rest of us. Part of me feels really guilty, and that I didn’t spend enough time with you in the hospital. But you know I don’t do well with death, especially not when you’re the one dying, and now dead. Listen, I don’t know if you can even hear me, but if you can I just wanted to say that I love you and I wish you could be here holding me right now. Goodnight, Grams.”

As relieved as I felt, the stupidity of doing this overwhelmed me and I continued trying to fall asleep. “Angel,” a voice was calling out. “You are not alone, Em.” Alright, I know I was not dreaming and I know there was no one in my room. Where could this possibly be coming from? I didn’t know and so I thought that maybe I would lay awake to see if anything happened again. About five minutes had passed and I heard absolutely nothing, so I tried falling asleep, again. As I tossed from my right side to my left, I heard the voice calling, “Em, you are not alone.” I eased myself into hearing the voice and to not be afraid. At this point I knew exactly who it was, sitting at the edge of my bed, I could see. It was Grams, sitting so pretty with pearl white hair like she left it. It was frightening, the moment you see them die and the next they are sitting on your bed trying to have a conversation at two in the morning. The humor of it made it easier to adjust to this thought of her actually sitting by me.

“Hey Angel, it’s me.”

“Grams? What in the world is going on and how did you possibly get here?” I said.

She began telling me what happened the moment she took her last breath, and that the smile she had left us with was no coincidence. She told me where she went and what she encountered as she began leaving her body into becoming her own angel. Quite beautiful, her whole story and the way she described it all. Nothing seemed like it really happened but how could I not believe it when she is sitting right there telling me.

“This is crazy, Grams.”

“I know Angel, but I promise, I won’t leave you tonight.”

That I believed. She promised she would be back again around the same time so I could tell her all about my day and vise versa. We said our goodbyes and she faintly vanished as I drifted off to sleep. I couldn’t wait. Maybe she wasn’t gone forever. Maybe this is how it will be for the rest of my days. She will get to experience everything with me, travel where I travel and never leave my side. Two o’clock in the morning could not come any sooner.