The Pursuit of Evil (3)

As I learn today, being good is often misunderstood.

Wrath

Today I got an email from a professor so misguided I stopped breathing for what felt like an hour.     

 

Subject line: Unacceptable behavior

Dear Lucinda,

 

In-class discussions are an opportunity to exchange ideas in a stimulating but respectful manner. Throwing erasers across a classroom and calling someone a “dumb worm” is behavior unacceptable on a college campus, or in any interpersonal context for that matter. I understand that college is a time of great adjustment, and thus I encourage you to seek on-campus counseling services if you are experiencing difficulties you need not face alone.  

 

Please consider this a first warning.

 

 

Best regards,

 

Professor Stern

 

I have many objections to this email. First off, why the email format? Nobody uses email these days except to unsubscribe from newsletters they never subscribed to. If Professor Stern had something important to say to me she would have sent me a text over Whatsapp. I don’t have Whatsapp so she would have had to accept that I am too elusive and difficult to contact to even bother with. 

 

Secondly, I did not throw an eraser and the whole situation was grossly misrepresented. I threw a pen. I do not use pencils, hence I have no need for erasers. I am not a cave dweller. Moreover, I threw said pen not out of spite but out of rare concern for the greater good. The target of my strike was Derek and here is the backstory: From the corner of the room from which I was drifting in and out of a nap, I could sense that Derek wasn’t following our class discussion. How do I know that? He had that look of absolute inner radio silence I know so well from growing up around mirrors. Thus, in the most selfless act of my life, I threw at him the pen I had taken from someone else earlier that day. You see, I wanted him to take notes that I could photocopy or simply take from him after class. Here I thought I would be canonized as the college’s most caring person when I was accused of malign intent. “You witch! You could have hurt someone!” Derek shrieked as if I had just casually thrown an axe in his direction. That’s when I called him a “dumb worm,” thinking that that would be the end of the matter. I was too uninvolved in the class discussion to have meant any real harm. I don’t even remember what the discussion was about. It may have been about the ethics of DNA manipulation or why breathing is good for you. It doesn’t matter either way.  

 

But that reminds me. Today’s task was to become more wrathful. I’m feeling so guilty about not punching someone or something after my actions were misunderstood in class today. I guess if you harbor such innate goodness as I do it’s hard to just turn that off from one day to the next. I’ll have to satisfy myself with a response to Professor Stern that reflects the person that I want to be. 

 

Re: Unacceptable behavior

 

Dear Cindy, or as others would call you, Professor Stern,

 

I threw a pen -- not an eraser -- at Derek today because I hate his guts. If I could do it again tomorrow I would. Furthermore, I need to practice my throwing skills and Derek is a good target because he always sits at a suitable distance away from me. As for calling him a “dumb worm,” I apologize for calling him a “worm” because worms are important for our world’s ecosystem, unlike Derek!! I encourage you to kick him out of class!!!!!!!!!!! I do not need counseling services because I am a registered counselor myself. I once took an online class in psychotherapy and have a certificate to prove that I can now practice in Papua New Guinea with friends and family in the comfort of my home. I will not be extending my services to Derek but you are welcome to take advantage of this compelling offer if you heed my suggestion and throw out Derek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Unkind regards,

 

Lucinda

 

To be continued…“Wrath” up next! :D