The Pursuit of Evil (4)

A Story by E.J. Newman

With great responsibility come great cupcake privileges.

Gluttony

I am apparently the vice president of my college’s chess club. I got appointed because I am the most committed member the club has ever had. I hate chess but I don’t miss a single meeting because there is always food. Chess is so boring it made me cry once. My opponent at the time thought I was crying because I was losing but I was just so sick of staring at her face for almost an hour. I had no idea I was losing anyway. But there is nothing in the world to which a cupcake is not the answer. I can look past the reason for the club’s existence if I only help myself to enough buttercream cupcakes. I am usually far too restrained, however. I usually eat five and never more than ten. Except for two pancakes, a waffle, and a buttered scone, I didn’t eat breakfast today to work up an appetite for chess club.

When I arrive, everyone has already partnered up and begun to play.

“How fun is this?” I hear someone garble rhetorically.

It is humbling to think that some people’s lives are even more boring than mine. I’m about to rejoice that there is no odd person out for me to play against, when I spot no one other than Derek from the corner of my eye. He is waving at me and I am about to leave again when he hollers my name and gesticulates like a madman for me to come over.

“Remember the seven deadly sins!” I chastise myself and think of my mission to be evil.

I make a beeline for the snack table and load my paper plate with six red velvet cupcakes and five blueberry muffins. I don’t actually like red velvet cupcakes but maybe I will if I eat six in one sitting.

“Let’s put yesterday behind us like adults, shall we?” Derek says as he makes his opening move.

I cough from the speed at which I am trying to eat my first cupcake. I have a lot to get through in 60 minutes. I move my pawn two steps forward. My plan is to move forward with every pawn until the game is hopefully over.

“Hey, you can only move diagonally,” Derek interrupts my strategic planning process.

“Wrong.”

I take another big bite from my cupcake as crumbs cascade onto the board. I squash them with my fingers and then lick each finger individually. Derek stares at me wide-eyed. He shakes his head.

“You can only move diagonally,” he repeats. “It’s the basic rule of checkers.”

“Derek,” I almost choke on buttercream. “I’m sorry you’ve been misled. This is chess club.” He pauses with apparent disbelief.

“No, it’s checkers club and you happen to be the vice president of it.”

“Nobody told me that,” I say between mouthfuls of my fourth cupcake. I try to reason with him.

“Derek, who are we kidding, let’s just skip to the cupcakes.” He lets out a little shriek and leaps from the table.

I sigh with relief. I’m so glad Derek and I can see eye-to-eye for once. I look around to the snack table. I guess I like chess after all.

To be continued…“Lust” up next!