"Discarded" Dialog Excerpt

"Discarded" Dialog Excerpt

A Screenplay by ericdeben
"

Mason and Eric discuss life at the foster home. (Read my note to avoid confusion)

"
 EXT. PATH IN THE WOODS - DAY - WINTER                            
                                                                           
          Mason and Eric come walking through the woods. Mason             
          following Eric. It’s awkwardly silent.                           
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                    So... Mason. How do you like it                        
                    here?                                                  
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    It’s alright. Not really like I                        
                    expected it to be.                                     
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                         (Curiously)                                       
                    What’d you expect?                                     
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    I don’t know. I guess a little                         
                    more... twisted? Lonely?                               
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                    Yeah, it’s just... hard to fit in                      
                    at first, but once w’all get along,                    
                    it gets more... enjoyable.                             
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    Hmph. You don’t seem to fit in                         
                    much. Are you new as well?                             
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                         (Staring at Mason, offended)                      
                    Uhm. I’ve been here for about... 4                     
                    years now. I mean I get along with                     
                    people, or at least I try to.                          
                    I’m... I guess you could say                           
                    ’wiggling’ my way in... heh...                         
                                                                           
          Eric looks away awkwardly as there’s an awkward silence.         
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    So how about Cox; is he abusive?                       
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                    I wouldn’t say he’s abusive... But                     
                    sometimes I feel a bit violated.                       
                    Why you ask?                                           
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    I always thought of foster homes as                    
                    abusive and miserable.                                 
                         (Pauses)                                          
                    This one ain’t so bad, but not what                    
                    I’m used to anyway.                                       
                         (Pauses)                                          
                    My brother and I always used to                        
                    make fun of foster kids. Never                         
                    thought we’d end up here, ya know?                     
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                         (nodding his head, but Mason                      
                         doesn’t see)                                      
                    We do get a bit wild when we get                       
                    new kids.                                              
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    Heh, sorry.                                            
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                    No, no. It’s fine. We’ll all be                        
                    back to normal pretty soon.                            
                         (Pauses)                                          
                    You know, those foster homes with                      
                    the wild, messed up kids... they                       
                    just need to grow up and get along.                    
                         (Pauses)                                          
                    The only thing that keeps us sane                      
                    is each other. Whether it’s all of                     
                    us getting along, or just one close                    
                    friendship... It’s hard moving into                    
                    a new place, I’m sure you know                         
                    that.                                                  
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                         (Nodding)                                         
                    Where are you taking me, by the                        
                    way?                                                   
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                    You’ll see. We’re just about here.                     
                                                                           
          Mason and Eric walk onto the cliff. Mason looks around,          
          amazed and Eric has his hands on his hips in pride.              
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                         (Enunciating weirdly)                             
                    Welcome to the cliff!                                  
                                                                           
          Mason runs to the edge of the cliff and looks down.              
                                                                           
                              ERIC (CONT’D)                                
                    Nice, isn’t it?                                        
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    Yeah... it is nice.                                          
                              ERIC                                         
                         (Walking up behind Mason)                         
                    Yeah, we usually go up here in the                     
                    winter to hang out,                                    
                         (Eric puts his hand on Mason’s                    
                         back and Mason flinches and                       
                         Eric shakes his hand and then                     
                         puts it in his pocket)                            
                    start a small fire, get away from                      
                    Cox a bit, ya know?                                    
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    Yeah, it’s really nice.                                
                         (Shivering, pauses)                               
                    Hey, let’s head back, it’s a bit                       
                    chilly up here.                                        
                                                                           
          Eric nods and Mason starts to turn around. Then Eric pushes      
          Mason off the cliff. Mason grabs onto a branch.                  
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                         (Screaming)                                       
                    What the hell man! You coulda                          
                    killed me!                                             
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                         (Laughing)                                        
                    Just having a little fun.                              
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                         (Angry)                                           
                    You call this fun?! Sick b*****d.                      
                    Adam and I were right. Foster kids                     
                    are messed up.                                         
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                    You’re overreacting. I remember my                     
                    first time falling off this thing.                     
                    Terrifying at first, painful at                        
                    second, and scarring at third. But                     
                    in the end, it’s all about the                         
                    experience, ya know?                                   
                                                                           
                              MASON                                        
                    No, I don’t know!                                      
                                                                           
                              ERIC                                         
                         (Sighing and rolling his eyes)                    
                    You’ll get over it.                                    
                                                                           
          Eric walks back and Mason climbs up, grunting.                   
                                                                           
                                                             END SCENE     
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           

© 2011 ericdeben


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Author's Note

ericdeben
This is an excerpt from a web series my friends and I were writing about a foster home. It's about twins that moved in (Adam and Mason). I used this scene between the awkward character, Eric and the character, Mason.
Cox is a pedophile, but he doesn't rape the kids. He's just really weird around them.
This scene was dialog practice.

Explaining the scene:
Instead of getting ’back to normal’ like Eric says, the
climax would begin in a few episodes. Before this
conversation, the foster home would be a bit wild, but with
a sense of maturity. Any conversation with Eric would have a
lot of pauses. Mason falling off the cliff shows the crazy
things foster kids do to have fun.

As we have discarded the web series "Discarded" I may write it into a novel form, but I like writing screenplays more.

My Review

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Featured Review

The dialog and action is good but I find that the line " Eric looks away awkwardly as there’s an awkward silence." is a bit redundant. I don't think you need awkward in the same sentence, plus you already used awkward silence before. I'm probably being a bit of a nagger, I'm not trying to be, but maybe you should try a different word then awkward. Other than that this seems like a great screenplay and I think that you should keep up the good work.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This is pretty interesting. If you had made it in to a webseries I would have watched it because this it seems to have some really strong characters.

Posted 6 Years Ago


The first thing i want to talk about is dialogue. So the characters are orphans. I gathered tht Eric has been in foster homes for the majority of his life so i was just looking at the similarities of their speech patterns. I would assume that Eric has limited schooling (especially if he was being taken from one home to the next, possible changing schools regularly). However, Mason i believe has had somewhat of a normal childhood until now. So i would assume tht Erics speech would be a little more heavy with street slang, dialect etc. The dialogue is mostly natural which is really good. (i believe a good test is to read it out loud and see if the words sound natural). The fact tht u havent told me why Mason is in foster home now is a good call, adds interest. I dont want to touch on things the other reviews ahve already covered so this is good.

Ps, when lookin at slangs, dialect, the country, the area, the race, social status all play serious parts.
This was very interesting can't wait to read more. Good job

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The dialog and action is good but I find that the line " Eric looks away awkwardly as there’s an awkward silence." is a bit redundant. I don't think you need awkward in the same sentence, plus you already used awkward silence before. I'm probably being a bit of a nagger, I'm not trying to be, but maybe you should try a different word then awkward. Other than that this seems like a great screenplay and I think that you should keep up the good work.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think you actually need a little more description, but the dialog is quite good.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

You have talent for composing screen plays. Excellent

Posted 8 Years Ago


A very great scene you penned here, the conversation flows well, the way it's written I can totally picture in my head so a fine job indeed :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Good work, it's laid out nicely and is easy to read. The dialogue is catchy and good as well!

Posted 8 Years Ago



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Added on August 22, 2011
Last Updated on August 22, 2011
Tags: discarded, dialog, scene, excerpt, screenplay, web series, tv, youtube, novel, maybe, foster care

Author

ericdeben
ericdeben

Some town, MA



About
I'm 15 years old and I'm an aspiring filmmaker. When you review my writing, don't just shower me with praise; I can use all the constructive criticism I can get. I'll be taking creative writing class.. more..

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