The Headache

The Headache

A Story by ericdeben
"

Have you ever felt so sick you felt like you were going to DIE?!

"

Sleeplessly rolling over on my bed, the palm of hand finds itself laying on the carpet. The fuzzy sea of blue calms my aching head for a few moments, and then I roll over once more. I can’t take it, I think, plopping my head down into my pillow. The lack of oxygen between my face and the pillow’s surface gives me an odd sense of satisfaction, but again, my thoughts go back to my aching head. I’m dying.

I scream into my pillow, turn on my side, and let out a long sigh. Looking out the window, I observe the trees with their leaves dancing in the wind. The sun sparkling in the sky, Cumulus clouds floating by its side like marshmallows in a cup of hot chocolate. It brings me peace, but only for a moment. My thoughts go back to my aching head. Ah! Please help me, I think.

I put my hands on my temples to feel my veins beating harder than ever before, at least from my distorted memory.

My brain feels like something is revolving around it, causing the pain. My brain is the earth and my pain is the moon. Make it stop, I think. I don’t want the moon. I don’t want it!

Light from outside floods my eyes and pain screeches through my head. “Ah,” I finally shout out loud. I turn my head and close my eyes. It’s dark, with transparent colors making their way across the blackness, flashing like strobe lights. I growl and open my eyes, staring blankly at my white walls.

Dizzy, I head down to the kitchen, avoiding stubbing my toe on the way out. Any more pain would be highly unnecessary. I’m dying. I’m dying. Ahhhh! Help me! My brain bounces with each step down the stairs. I feel like I’m going to tumble down them. Might as well, I’m dying anyway.

I stumble into the kitchen, which is brightly lit by an oversized light on the ceiling that isn’t doing me justice. I notice my mom is in the room and I put on a show to exaggerate my pain - to get her attention. It’s a dramatic collapse towards the tiled floor, but I catch myself on the kitchen counter to avoid impact. I sigh and subsequently grab my face, shaking my head.  “Mom,” I whimper, “I have a headache.”

© 2011 ericdeben


Author's Note

ericdeben
I wanted to write something good today, but I had a headache. So I wrote this. The exaggeration is made to be humorous, I'm not that much of a wimp haha.
Note: the contradictions and confusion are there for a reason. "My thoughts go back to my aching head" is a motif because when I have a headache, I see things that calm it for a moment until I think back to how much goddamn head hurts.
Leave any criticism you can think of.

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Featured Review

You might want to go back and double check the punctuation :O I noticed on your third indented paragraph, there wasn't a period at the end. But, it is a good read and it kind of makes me feel like I would if I had a headache x3 whenever I get one I just want to roll over and sleep it off. Even though I usually get them on school days >c go figure.
Nice job!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

As for the first part YES I have been sick like that before...Three times as a matter of fact

A good piece its something I'm sure ALL of us can relate too, wimp or not lol

Posted 10 Years Ago


A well written piece. maybe 'might as well, I'm dying' should have it's own paragraph as a single line??
"like"

Posted 10 Years Ago


I have a feeling that the piece near the end becomes endlessly repetitive when instead you could've switched some things around to freshen up the writing.

There's two incidents in the beginning in which the same sentence is used: My thoughts go back to my aching head. You could rephrase.

The simile about the hot chocolate seemed to detract from the writing. It's morning, albeit when i think of hot chocolate, thoughts usually go to night. Yet in this piece, it is morning, or noon, as the sun is out. The movements of the simile of marshmallows is that of lethargic night.

An apparent contradiction is the light from the sun calming him at first, and then dizzying him, distorting him, although this did not bother me much.

The part about avoiding stubbing his toe is unnecessary and adds nothing to the piece. Every sentence should develop characterization or move a piece forward. If it does neither, then it does not belong.

7.5/ 10




Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

"Dizzy, I head down to the kitchen, avoiding stubbing my toe on the way out. Any more pain would be highly unnecessary."
"I feel like I’m going to tumble down them. Might as well, I’m dying anyway."
-Bit of a contradiction here, but if it's due to having a distorted mind, then that's bonus fridge-logic points for you. Otherwise, shame face :(

I've had a headache before (only one time) but it was so bad, I almost had to be freaking carried because I couldn't move from the pain.

This is a really short piece with no real plot or anything so it's hard to give a thorough review, thus I leave off with some comments I had.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

You might want to go back and double check the punctuation :O I noticed on your third indented paragraph, there wasn't a period at the end. But, it is a good read and it kind of makes me feel like I would if I had a headache x3 whenever I get one I just want to roll over and sleep it off. Even though I usually get them on school days >c go figure.
Nice job!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I disagree with the last review--- I've felt like this before, you're not a wimp. I loved the way you described everything, the feelings and emotions.

Great job! :]

Posted 10 Years Ago


HAHAHAHA.
Wimp.

It's actually pretty funny. I feel like you're /over/ exasperating everything, and you're being a totally wimp. Seriously.
I find it hard to sympathize with anyone.

Posted 10 Years Ago



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6 Reviews
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Added on August 28, 2011
Last Updated on August 29, 2011
Tags: headache, hospital, fever, cold, flu, terrible, writer's block, ow, ouch

Author

ericdeben
ericdeben

Some town, MA



About
I'm 15 years old and I'm an aspiring filmmaker. When you review my writing, don't just shower me with praise; I can use all the constructive criticism I can get. I'll be taking creative writing class.. more..

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