Rewrites and Second Chances

Inspired by Shabeeh's title and words of his poem..."Woman in Transition"

 

Rewrites and Second Chances

 

 

 

 

a woman in transition

is a woman in translation

from a language we used to understand

that now is foreign and indecipherable

 

wondering what went wrong

is a transfusion without the blood

of passion,

 

dispassionate tubes attached to a bliss in Coma

eyes shut tight, but lids with movement

underneath the facade,

she wants to get away but isn't sure why

 

and it causes our heart to want to pull the plug

and cast our emotional fate to the chance

 

she might wake up,

in a new paragraph of feeling

one that beats in breezy understanding

 

and brings back to life

the old theme

that once resonated

when the organization of us

was a perfectly written essay

 

of love.

 

 

 

 

erin-cilberto

5/14/16

Reviews

[gabrielle]

The whole piece is beautiful but the first stanza is exceptional for me. Intense emotions could sometimes change our ways of seeing things..

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind review, gabrielle...

j.

[Miss Sharon]

What a joy to read my dear friend! I love your style as always and was especially taken by these lines...(she might wake up, in a new paragraph of feeling) Pure pedantic poetic prosody my dear wordsmith!~ Sharon

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your very kind words, Sharon.

j.

[Miss Sharon]

You are so welcome Jacob!

[Nisreen]

This write feels like watching a heart monitor
The dips that run low followed by the stable line
and you know eventually there has got to be a spike high somewhere

Bravo Jacob

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your words, Curiosity...
j.

[boblakin]

It's the full stops and commas that bugger up the flow and gets us marked down.

Nice one! Boblakin

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your words, boblakin...

j.

[Norman 223]

The problem with having second thoughts after having completed a "mission", is the nagging feeling that the original concept is destroyed. Do we then doubt our own judgement? Hence the grief..
N.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you make perfect sense....maybe we do doubt it...
thank you, Norman.
j.

[Vatsal Rohilla (account..]

Things change, people change. This is the rule of life. Very beautiful words have been brought to use to describe the whole scene. "Eyes shut tight, but lids with movement" and "when the organization of us was a perfectly written essay of love"- these lines are very intense and powerful. The last lines especially arouse a deep feeling of sadness and grief. When the sweet memory of the past is recollected, and it is recollected in a very profound manner, then the sadness and melancholy that is expressed and aroused is certainly deep. A piece worthy of lots of commendation. Keep writing.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your very kind review, Vatsal.

j.

[andrew mitchell]

A clever write Jacob. Reminded me of lost in translation. such a wide gap on how we have a vision how love should be from the reality of two people quite different.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, andrew.

j.

[andrew mitchell]

always a pleasure to read your marvelous works.

[Insight "MH"]

"and brings back to life
the old theme
that once resonated
when the organization of us
was a perfectly written essay"

This is an amazing way to end this marvelous poem.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you for your kind words, Insight.

j.

[Insight "MH"]

You are welcome my dear friend.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

"And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions"

Thomas Eliot had the right idea I believe. I enjoyed the read my friend.

[Alfred Kukitz]

This reminds me of my days in ventilator nursing.

They both need to take a chance, find a renewed search toward understanding.

That line.........in a new paragraph of feeling felt alive. Nice line!


Regards,
Al

[jacob erin-cilberto]

thank you, my friend.

j.