birthday blues

haha more vent poetry haha

i no longer want to celebrate my birthday

and maybe that makes me a bit pathetic, to say the least

to allow something so miniscule to affect something that hasn't happened yet

but as i struggled to breathe in the bathroom 

listening to my coworker gather trash

i can't help the swelling in my chest

not to say i can't carry this pain because i can and i have

i just don't want to

i don't think i ever did

i only carried it because others said i had to

don't be too depressed

think of the future

nothing is as worse as it is now

and it's funny

laughable

the way things work out

how i end up here again and again and again

so why do i still bother with it?

there is no fixing this

no remedy

i am stuck in it and no amount of well-intended wishes will change that

i don't want to celebrate my birthday because i no longer know what im celebrating

surviving, maybe

or just another day closer to death