A sudden realization

March 5, 2013

I've come to realize that whenever I start to feel

my thoughts wish to put those feelings into words.

Before I can reach for a pen

my mind begins to block out my thoughts

that are fighting to be free

but cannot organize themselves

to demonstrate.

A natural defense mechanism.

The governing police force of my body.

My words do not represent the depth of my true mind.

I am not allowed to explore those territories anymore,

it's too dangerous.

Sometimes I just begin to cry

because there is so much I feel but am not allowed

to think

because my thoughts have the potential of killing me.

I made a heart from white Christmas lights

on an empty wall.

This symbol so commonly seen...

it means nothing to me.

Though as I plugged in the lights and sat gazing up

at the meaningless symbol on my wall

I began to cry.

My own meaningless symbol inside began to swell

and overwhelm itself.

My tears smeared the detail and the chords disappeared.

All I saw was a glowing stream of love.

It hit me that I will never feel love again.

It hit me like concrete bricks falling on my ribs.

Planes, cars, trains, trucks all crashed at once.

The force of an asteroid smashing into a star,

an atomic bomb obliterating an entire species 

and now the sound of eerie silence.

The feeling of everything one has ever known dissipating 

into thin air

with one explosion.

The sight of utter destruction and supreme emptiness,

pale ashes raining down

but there is nothing left.

All of the world's pigment melts into dust

and the lights in my own meaningless symbol

flicker and burn out.

I wipe my eyes

and the stream of love no longer flows.

The symbol now a corpse of green wire

and everything around me

is dust. 

Reviews

[Chris]

This didn't deserve the silence of all the lambs that passed by this page...

Your focus was-is-remains-continues behind your eyes and that is ...is... where we really live. Don't get too lost in all the "white-noise", there still ARE roses to pause with.

[Kahtia Howard]

I really appreciate that. I also struggle to not get lost and find those roses to pause with-my own doing.

[Chris]

sometimes catching a breath takes some doing.