Body Image

One woman takes time to think about what body image means to her.

As Hallie brushed her teeth, she looked in the mirror. Really looked at herself, something she very rarely did. She began to take an inventory. She wondered what body image she projected to others. She thought of herself as athletic. Maybe not so much now, but her spirit felt that way. She hadn't ever thought of herself as pretty. Average, was how she had described her looks in the past. Not ugly, not pretty, but average. She couldn't say that now, though.

There were permanent indentations in her forehead from having to have a medical device, called a Halo, screwed into her head. Not once, not twice, but three different times. She had had to wear it for six months, five months and four months. Talk about having a difficult time getting comfortable to go to sleep!

Hallie had always looked young for her age in her twenties and early thirties but, too early, wrinkles had aged her around her mouth and eyes. Chronic pain certainly did age a person quickly. And her nose! One nostril bigger than the other, caused by a sore made by a breathing tube irritating her nose, when she was in the intensive care unit for six days. That wasn't very attractive!

Hallie began to think of everything she had been through. So many surgeries, she was beginning to lose count! There was the one on her jaw. That one had gotten her an ambulance ride, when she collapsed at the Jack-in-the-Box. Not that she was eating anything. She hadn't been able to eat for three days, because her tongue was swollen and her jaw hurt so much. The emergency room doctor had told her she was about twenty-four hours away from dying. He performed emergency surgery and she woke up with two tubes going down one side of her nose. One was breathing for her and the other for sustenance. They had caused such a sore that took a long time to heal and disfigured her nose in the process. God, she thought, if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all!

Let's see, Hallie thought, eight surgeries on her lower back for herniated discs.. Seven of those had been within a five year period. Not that they fixed anything and the scar tissue just added to her chronic pain. The eighth surgery had cured a new type of pain she had suffered with for over a year, but the other pain was still there.

Then, there was the surgery on her leg for that freaky staph infection. That was awful to look at. Had she known it was going to take over a year to heal, she would have said yes, to the skin graft!

There was the tonsillectomy when she was fourteen. Then, the partial hysterectomy for cervical cancer, when she was twenty-one years old. 

There was one elective surgery, when she was twenty-five.  After years of not filling out a swimsuit top, she got the b***s of her dreams. That was one surgery she didn't mind having at all!

Let's not forget the neck, Hallie! How could she forget. The chronic pain there was a constant reminder. One morning, she woke up and was unable to move her arm above her shoulder and she had wrist drop. Tests confirmed herniated discs at C4 through C7. It took more than one surgery and wearing the halo several times, but eventually, it was a success. No herniated discs and no neck pain. But then...

Hallie fell out of a trailer on a camping trip. Her neck hurt a bit, but a few days later, it seemed okay. However, several months later, it hurt a lot! She hadn't realized that you could fracture your neck and not be immediately paralyzed, but months later, that's exactly what she was facing, paralysis from the neck down. In not having immediate medical care, Hallie's neck healed backwards. Not that her head was on backwards; Hallie laughed at the thought. But things had twisted around and were definitely not as they should be. Her neurosurgeon admitted that he didn't know how to fix it. He went so far as to present her case at a convention of his peers and not one doctor could think of a plan to prevent the paralysis that was overcoming Hallie. Her left hand was paralyzed, her right hand was weakening and she could feel strangeness in her legs.

Her doctor eventually spoke with two neurosurgeons who were willing to try to help her, before it was too late. They did tell Hallie that the surgery itself could paralyze her. 

Since she was facing paralysis as it was, she was willing to try, if they were.

They told her she would have a neck deformity. Hallie told them that with the encroaching guaranteed  paralysis, a neck deformity didn't seem like such a big deal.

They told her she would have to wear the Halo. "Oh, well, I'm experienced at that!" she had tried to joke, but no one was laughing, least of all, Hallie.

They scheduled the surgery as soon as possible.

Even now, she could not describe how she had felt when they were wheeling her to surgery...a sense of dread, petrified. But no one could see it. She couldn't let them see. She thought if she showed how frightened she was, it would jinx a positive outcome.

Hallie didn't even remember them putting her under, but suddenly, she was waking up. The first thing she tried to do was move her left hand. She brought it up close to her face and tried to wiggle her fingers. She began to cry tears of relief when they obeyed and she kept moving her hand this way, then that way.

She wore the halo for four months and when it came time to remove it, she was so afraid that her neck wouldn't support her head. The doctor reassured her, reminding her that two plates and screws were in her neck, to forever hold things in place.

When the doctor removed it, Hallie looked in the mirror. She most definitely had a deformity. For one thing, her neck was about three inches shorter. She could not turn her neck all the way to the left or right, nor could she look up. Looking down was no problem. In fact, that was something she would have to fight the rest of her life. It felt like someone was pushing at the base of her neck, trying to force her head down. Keeping it up would always be a struggle.

And, like her back, it would always hurt.

Hallie eventually began to drive, again. She used her mirrors a lot more than she used to, but she did fine. She loved to drive and was so happy that that had not been taken from her.

As Hallie gazed in the mirror, she laughed at her reflection. Aloud she said, "Who cares about body image?! I am alive. I am not paralyzed. I can take care of myself. I am still independent enough to feed myself and bathe myself, grocery shop and cook!! Some things are so much more important than what you think of your body and appearance.

Thinking that, she gave her mirror image a wink and smiled. 

Reviews

[Craig2591]

Wow! Poor Haley has had some rough luck in her life. The story is so detailed that I fear it might be autobiographical. I hope it isn't. It is very well told and has a good message.

[Barbara Walker]

Ah, Craig, you know me too well!

[carol burgess romance]

I love how you ended this and know you are a very strong person....sometimes life can suck hard but it is what we do with it that defines who we are not how we look

[Maxine]

This is such a sad story, and yet rings with such a brilliant truth. Body image is such a powerful obsession, and in high school especially I see it grab hold of a lot of people, including myself at times. It's so easy to fall into that destructive behavior of glancing in the mirror and literally "take inventory" and forget that you are so lucky and so perfect in your own right. Sometimes I think it's almost a little scary how easily we can pull ourselves down with our own self criticisms, and I can't help but wonder if what we find in the mirror is really what is there or what we think other people are seeing.

Beautiful piece, as always :) I love it.

[Coyote Poetry]

"Who cares about body image?! I am alive. I am not paralyzed. I can take care of myself. I am still independent enough to feed myself and bathe myself, grocery shop and cook!! Some things are so much more important than what you think of your body and appearance."
I agree with the above lines. The simple things we missed and need to do to feel human. I enjoyed the story. So many operations for the poor girl. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[annabellee]

that's such an empowering but yet sad story. you're so right we worry about our body image way too much, still there are things that are more important, that was such a nice reminder.
I loved how strong your character is.
Well done :)