Earth and Humanity

Whether this is a sad story about two human beings or a deeper message about maintaining our environment is up to you.

“We’re like the earth and humanity,” she said quietly while taking another weary smoke of her cigarette, avoiding all eye contact with me and focusing on the scenery ahead, “I’m like humanity, and you’re like the earth. I need you, but you don’t need me. I keep killing you, yet you put up with my bullshit.” I stayed silent. What could I say? In a few selfish ways, I agreed with what she was saying. It was like that; except which one of us took the roles of humanity and the earth constantly switched between us.  She’d forgotten to realise that part. “It’s as if you’re sat there trying to maintain everything, you’re trying your damned hardest; but me? I don’t give a s**t. I just do what I think is best for me.” I knew I should have said something at this point. I knew I should’ve; but the words couldn’t form. I couldn’t fathom the right amount of words to say or what actual words to say. And I should’ve said something; but I didn’t.

 

I knew I should’ve said something right before she ended it.

Right after she said “We’re like earth and humanity,"

I knew.

I was the earth, and she was humanity, in this case. 

And unless the earth tries to save humanity,

Humanity is nothing, gone, and absolutely dead. 

Author's Note

What do you think of this? Does my message get across well? All feedback and reviews are much appreciated!

Reviews

[Sarah]

Hi nice to meet you. I thought I would write my first review. Be warned: I may come off as a little harsh, but I try to be as constructive as possible, and my comments are for those who wish to know someone else’s true opinion and hopefully learn what they can do to improve their work and grow. It is what I look for in reviewers and I expect nothing less. You don’t have to take my word as gospel. I always start with the so-called negative comments. I hope this helps, truly. All my comments will be in brackets.

I’ll start sentence by sentence.

...she said quietly while taking another weary smoke of her cigarette…
(she said quietly "before" "after" (It seems slightly odd that someone would say something while actually smoking a cigarette) taking another weary "drag" "puff" (I think the proper verb for smoking a cigarette is either of those) "from" her cigarette)

...avoiding all eye contact with me...
(avoiding "my eyes" (maybe, this way its less wordy but has the same meaning))

...It was like that; except which one of us took the roles of humanity and the earth constantly switched between us... (this sentence was a little awkward to read (It was like that; except the roles of humanity and the earth constantly switched between us) maybe try re-wording.)

“It’s as if you’re sat there trying to maintain everything, you’re trying your damned hardest; but me? I don’t give a s**t. I just do what I think is best for me.”
(I have a question for this part, is it supposed to be "It's as if you're sat there trying to..." because "you're sat there" sounds awkward to my ears. If it's intentional and supposed to be that way then it’s no big deal, don't worry)

...but the words couldn’t form.
(but the words "wouldn't" form)or( but I couldn’t form the words)

Okay that’s it for individual sentences. I do have a couple comments on some repetition I noticed.
These sections:

- I knew I should have said something at this point. I knew I should’ve; but the words couldn’t form. I couldn’t fathom the right amount of words to say or what actual words to say. And I should’ve said something; but I didn’t.

I knew I should’ve said something right before she ended it.
Right after she said “We’re like earth and humanity,"
I knew. -

The repetition is a little much here. “I knew I should have said something at this point.” matched with “I knew I should’ve said something right before she ended it.” and “And I should’ve said something”
Maybe cut a few of those out and sum it up a little more. Also the sentence now that I looked at it: “I couldn’t fathom the right amount of words to say or what actual words to say.” might actually work if it wasn’t surrounded with so much more repetition, since there is repetition in the sentence.
Also as a side note, maybe space your dialogue like so:

We’re like the earth and humanity,” she said quietly while taking another weary smoke of her cigarette, avoiding all eye contact with me and focusing on the scenery ahead, “I’m like humanity, and you’re like the earth. I need you, but you don’t need me. I keep killing you, yet you put up with my bullshit.”
I stayed silent. What could I say? In a few selfish ways, I agreed with what she was saying. It was like that; except which one of us took the roles of humanity and the earth constantly switched between us. She’d forgotten to realise that part.
“It’s as if you’re sat there trying to maintain everything, you’re trying your damned hardest; but me? I don’t give a s**t. I just do what I think is best for me.”


That’s all for the negative!!


Okay time for the positive comments (because every writer needs to hear these to)

I absolutely love your concept of the earth and humanity. The ending gave me chills. “And unless the earth tries to save humanity, Humanity is nothing, gone, and absolutely dead.” Don’t change that part, ever. You do a good job at putting the reader inside the head of the character. For some reason I got the feel of a bestfriend dealing with a friend who is addicted to drugs. Or a relationship that has something to do with something like that. That was just my imagination going wild though since there was no background. However, regardless of my imagination, you pace the dialogue very well. I could really envision the scene in my head. I would totally encourage you to maybe extended this into something larger, but again do as you please.
I hope this helps. I look forward to reading more of your writing! Hopefully I didn’t offend you in my negative comments.

With love,
Sarah

[Faith]

Sarah,

This was one of the most helpful reviews I have ever received, and I thank you greatly! None of your comments have offended me in the slightest, and I see where you are coming from on every point, so thank you for helping me improve this piece. And on the compliments, I also thank you dearly. I am glad you liked the ending!

Once again, many thanks for such a thoughtful and helpful review- I am extremely flattered that you put this much time into helping me out with this piece!

Once again, thank you,
Faith

[Samuel Dickens]

I think it is quite good and could be the beginning of something longer. The analogy you use is very inventive, also.

[Emrick]

Interesting article.
(Without Earth humanity wont survive.The clothes we wear,the food we eat and the gadgets we use all come from earth. There is a need to preserve our environment.

this are kind of articles that should be put in exam papers.

[Faith]

Thank you! I'm very flattered you think so! I feel that we, humanity, do take advantage of what we have a lot. We destroy the Earth a lot, constantly forgetting that we would be nothing without it. I thought that rather than saying that, it'd be more effective to compare it to two human beings as we can relate better to the storyline of two people as oppose to the Earth and Humanity.

Thank you once again for your review,
Faith