Chapter 31

It was time for lights out and I still couldn’t sleep.
I could never sleep properly these days; maybe it was everything that was happening at the lycan academy lately.
“Avril, are you still awake?” Chase asked at about four-thirty a.m. I wondered what he was doing up at this time because I was usually up at this time anyway. Something was probably troubling him.
“Yeah,” I murmured, “Is something wrong?” I sat up in my bed to see where the light switch was. There was no point in sitting in the dark if there was no-one in the dormitory that was asleep. He got up from his bed and turned the light switch on, which lit up the room dimly, as if a torch had just been turned on rather than a light bulb. I gestured for him to sit on my bed and so he did, nodding to me in thanks.
“I was just wondering about something.” He told me hesitantly. He shook his head and sighed heavily, “No, forget it; it’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid, come on. Tell me, Chase. I’m here for you.” I told him, softly. I got out of my blankets and sat beside him. He let a faint smile cross his lips and he murmured,
“If you know something is wrong and you know it is but it feels... right somehow, then what do you do? Do you follow what you think is right or do you give it up because you know deep down that it’s wrong?” I stared at him in wonder. This was a very deep conversation. I never had deep conversations. At least, not verbally. I am good at writing deep and meaningful things down - hey, I do it in my journal on a daily basis - but I am never good at saying them out loud because they always come out wrong.
“Well,” I began, not really knowing what I was going to say, “Sometimes, we have to please others, even if we can’t please ourselves. That’s something we do to keep peace and harmony. If we all did what we thought was right but others frowned upon, then who would be wrong? Is this making any sense?” I asked, because it sounded to me like I was saying Do what other people want. If we think something’s right but others think it’s wrong, then who is actually wrong? And with that, I just confused myself even more.
“Something that feels right to me would be frowned upon by a lot of other people, but if I think it’s right, do I go by what the other people think or what I believe?” I shrugged,
“If you are happy, does it really matter what other people think?” I asked him and he smiled,
“No, I guess not. Thanks, Avril. But just one other thing. I don’t really know how to shut off other people’s opinions. It’s easy for you because you’re just not shy at all, but for me, it’s actually quite difficult.” What he said was true. I’m an extroverted person and so, I don’t really give a s**t about what people think of me, so it would be easier for me to say it more than anyone because I wasn’t shy and I had never been in this situation.
“If you think it’s right, then stop trying to please everyone else and follow your own conscience... and now I sound like a cheesy movie.” I did sound like a horribly cheesy movie and I was kind of embarrassed by that. He nodded and then I couldn’t help myself and I whispered, “What is it that you’re conflicted about, Chase?” I instantly kicked myself for saying that because it was really none of my business. He didn’t seem too offended by it, but I still felt horrible for asking it.
“Oh, nothing; just some personal s**t that I need to sort out,” he shrugged the topic off and then tried to direct the conversation to me, “Why are you up so early?” Late/Early - depends how you look at it. I looked at it as late. I shrugged,
“I have insomnia, see? So, it kind of does that.” He looked at me incredulously,
“You? Happy go lucky Avril Mavra has insomnia? Why is that? Sorry. Do you mind me asking?” I shook my head,
“I honestly have absolutely no idea how I got it. I’ve just always had it. It kind of sucks - especially when I’m done writing in my journal and there’s no-one to talk to because I over-think things and then I start to get really sad and depressed.” I told him honestly. I didn’t think I’d shared that with anyone before, so it was an emotional milestone for me.
“You would never have thought,” he smiled at me and I just muttered,
“No-one ever does.” I almost sounded bitter but then I apologised for that.
“What’s your secret? How do you do it? Shut people off and paint on a smile for the rest of the world when you’re actually dying inside?” I shrugged and said,
“It comes naturally. I’ve been doing it for so long now that it’s just become my nature. Somehow, if I lie to myself and convince myself that everything’s fine, someday, it will actually be fine and I won’t have to pretend anymore. I really have to stop doing this. You somehow force the truth out of me unintentionally and I don’t like it.” I murmured, crossing my arms. I looked around and wondered how Scarlett could sleep through all of this - the light and our deep and meaningful conversation.
“You do that to me too, y’know?” He murmured in a low voice, “I think it’s because we feel... at ease with each other.” He looked down at the floor and then up at me. “Thank you so much for listening to me blabber on about everything, Avril.” I shrugged, a little embarrassed by his thanks.