Current mood:
shocked
I have said many times that I am, without question, a technodonkey. It now falls upon me to confess that this ineptitude reaches, basically, anything remotely practical. As stated before, for me, the sensible meaning of DIY is Don't Involve Yourself. However, life being what it is and stupidity being what it's always been, there have been times when I have foolishly " had a go ".
Never more foolishly than in matters involving electricity. It and I don't get on at all well. In fact, it's tried to kill me a couple of times. How bloody peevish is that?
On the first occasion, I was in the process of cleaning a 4 foot long fish tank that we had then. Well, I thought I ought. The fish were wading more than swimming. Anyway, as so often with these things, drink was involved, though only indirectly. I was seriously hung over and not quite at me sparkling best. To this day, if someone asked me to describe what I did or how I did it, I haven't got a clue.
As you'd expect, everything was wired up for pump, light etc and all wired to some sort of little connection doofler type thingy. Of course, what I should have done was turn it off at the switch.
That's what I should have done.
What I actually did was, somehow, end up dipping the live wires in the tank. And Oh, what a bleeding belt I got. That electricity stuff is very unforgiving. It didn't last long, but it was long enough for me to think I was going to die. And the fish were still swimming unperturbed.
Can you imagine anyone being more stupid than that? In all honesty, can you? Try this for size. I swear on the lives of my grandkids, 20 minutes later I went back for another go at cleaning the tank and did EXACTLY the same thing again. With EXACTLY the same result. I still twitch when I think about it.
And do you think that's the daftest I've done? Oh, gather round and cop for this one. There was no drink involved on this occasion, just my brain had left for one of it's wanders.
We were decorating the kitchen. You may not be surprised to know this wasn't my idea. Anyway, we were doing the ceiling and needed to remove the old light fitting, which was attached to the ceiling. The part that you screw up to hold light shades in place would not budge. The damn thing was cross-threaded, and all I could think of was to break it off. So how to do it? If I'd had mole-grips or something to put round and tighten, that might have done it. Didn't have mole-grips. But I did have - garden shears! Yes, I know now that it was a silly idea. I know now.
Now, I blame Jo partly for this because, after the event, she said that she thought I should have turned the electric off first. Well, no s**t Sherlock. It could have helped a little more if you'd have mentioned it BEFORE I flew across the kitchen. There was quite a spectacular bang on that occasion and we had to get an emergency electrician out. They're on good money, aren't they?
That was many years ago and it was the last time I had anything to do with the infernal stuff. It's downright vindictive. I long for the return of steam power. Even then I'd probably scald meself to death. Nah, my talents lie in other areas and if I ever find 'em.........
By Fargone
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