My love Dreamnt of the sea

Submitted for the 'serenity' contest, based on the picture above....

 

Although the leaves fall

As stars are pinned

In a perfect night sky-

She looks for the answer

Of this lost world             

In the imprints of a lost kingdom

And the shadows through

Branches

Of the evening trees

-She ponders

Beneath

And breathes

A belief….

 

In a pale lily

Dreams once held-

Have they now

Withered?

- Or are they forgotten…

Like the loss of the land

To the vigor of the turquoise sea?

 

“Forget me not”

As the leaves drift

And roll with the slow

Of the tide

 

“For once I held your spirit

As does this sea

The love of my life

Now buried beneath me”

 

Reviews

[emz]

How very beautiful, you created a truly special image in my mind, i think nature is the perfect backdrop for any kind of writing.

very well done

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Very nice indeed...the last stanza is my favorite...although your descriptions are quite lovely. Thank you.
Light,
Siddartha

[Seriana]

Awwwww, how pretty! I love it! What a lovely contest entry Jason. Good luck to you!

[Kara Emily Krantz]

this is a lovely piece (and i mean that!) The title works really well. I love the title.

"Although the leaves fall
As stars are pinned
In a perfect night sky-"

that's a really nice beginning.

"She looks for the answer
Of this lost world
In the imprints of a lost kingdom
And the shadows through
Branches
Of the evening trees"

i like the fairytale feeling of a lost kingdom, and then shadows through branches are my favorite :)

"-She ponders beneath
And breathes a belief�."

that reads quite oddly; it's a little uncomfortable. you might do best to cut it, or perhaps word it a different way....?

"Has her dreams
That she once held
In a pale lily
Withered?"

I love this, but it also reads a little awkwardly - my mind kinda changed it to

"Had the dreams
she once held
in a pale lily
withered?"

just flows a little smoother, but says exactly the same thing. i hope you dont mind my suggestions.... :(

"- Or are they forgotten�
Like the loss of the land
To the vigor of the turquoise sea?"

i like this part a lot -esp. the turquoise sea :)

"Forget me not"
As the leaves drift
And roll with the slow
Of the tide

"For once held your spirit
As does this sea
The love of my life
Now buried beneath me"

do you mean "for I once held"??

i love this ending, though. ::sigh::
so bittersweet and filled with the earth and the heart.

great piece, jason :) really good work