Black Hole In My Heart

Short Story #1. How long will this one-sided love last?

“Does it have to be this way?”

“You know it has to be.” I was unable to face you. Not with what I am about to say.

“Did I do something wrong?” You looked nervous. I know because your hand was fidgeting your stray strand of hair. I am going to miss that.

“No no, it’s not you, it’s just me. I-I just think this isn’t working out. You, me, this, us, everything.” Here it comes. Oh my god, I can’t do this. Tears pooled in my eyes. This hurts me more than you. So, please try to understand, love.

“If I did something wrong, tell me…please. I’ll do my best to make it right.” Your eyes turned hard, turned desperate. You corrected your posture, as if ready for a full blown quarrel.

I softened my voice. “You gave me everything I ever wanted. When I met you, I didn’t think we’d be this close. And then everything happened and suddenly we’re together.” What am I saying? No, stop. Brain, stop.

“Are we going too fast? We can slow down. It’s only been a year since we got together. We, I can still fix this. Just tell me where I went wrong.” Confused, you tried to reason with me but we both know what is coming. You knew that this was coming. I have to do this.

“I don’t know, all right?! I don’t know! I don’t know! I just feel…something’s not right. That something’s missing. It’s not about us progressing fast or slow or anything like that! I just - I just feel like something that’s supposed to be there when we are together. All that lying down at the lawn. Staring up at the skies. Cuddling on your bed. All those making love. Watching sunsets. Sharing ice-cream. All those times we were together, there was this void, this-this empty hole in my heart. It needs filling but I don’t know what it wants. I don’t know, alright?! Whatever we do, it just makes that hole bigger bit by bit. It hurts. It really hurts. At first, it’s just a tiny needle-like hole. Then it expands. And right now, the hole is swallowing me up. I can’t do this. Not anymore.” I gestured wildly, trying to get you to understand. I love you, but this is necessary. I don’t want to drag you down with me. Not like this.

“Why " why now? We’re at the peak. Where it gets exciting. I pictured our whole life together. And now you’re saying this?” You did? I- I didn’t know.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I tried to endure it. I tried to close it. I tried to make it go away. I really did. I wanted to be with you for as long as I can. But it hurts. I want to be with you but it hurts. Like a black hole swallowing up all my happiness, my joy…. you. I tried. I did try. Believe me, please.” My darkness is going to swallow you. Why can’t you see that?

“I was going to propose to you next month.”

“Wha-“ What the f**k? No, no I didn’t plan for this. What is this?

“(cutting in) I already bought the ring. I thought you would love it. I imagined you saying yes. I got our whole future planned out. I love you, for f**k’s sake.” You cut me off. No, no, no. Stop talking. Please stop talking.

“I can’t. If I stay, it’ll just hurt you. It’ll swallow you up too. I’m sorry. I loved our time together. I really do. But this, us, won’t work in the long run.” I hesitated. I don’t know whether to be happy knowing you proposed or that it came at the wrong time. God, help me get out of this mess.

“We can make this work, and we will. Just give me another chance. One more chance. One last chance to keep you. Just give me more time. I’ll make this work. I’ll make us work.”

“Just let me go. Please.” My voice cracked. I was literally begging you. Please.

Silence ensued. I couldn’t look at you. I don’t know what to say anymore. I know you can’t hear my thoughts, but try to read me. Get the hint. I love you. Understand that this has to happen. If, by some miracle, something changes halfway, I will come find you. I promise. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

 “What if…what if I hurt you? This void is just going to get bigger. There’s nothing tha-“

“Then I will fill that void. No one else. I will fill it. I may not know exactly what led you to say what you said, or if you even mean it, but trust me, I’ll do whatever it takes. And if, just if, I get hurt in the process, then it’ll be a spoil of war. It’ll be by my own doing and I will not, in any way, blame you for them. I know it’s not going to be easy and you might not like what will happen, but trust me when I say, I’ll be there for you. I’m here for you. Whatever you need. Whatever you want. I’m here. I’m just a phone call, two stations away. I’ll come running when you have a nightmare. I’ll come running when you’re down. I’ll come running even when you’re in dangerous b***h mode. No matter where you are, I’ll come running. ‘Cause you’re my babygirl, my silver lining.”

“I-“ What are you saying? You will stay no matter what? It will kill you. “Sto-“

“Shut up and let me finish,” You took a deep breath and continued. “When we get married, I’ll just be on the other side of the bed. I’ll be right beside you. When you have your nightmare, I’ll be there. When you come from work aka hell, I’ll be waiting for you with your favourite blueberry chocolate cake topped with sprinkles and M&Ms. When you wake up with your hair looking like a bird’s nest, I’ll be there to make it messier. I’ll make your favourite coffee with the right amount of cinnamon in it. I’ll prepare roasted duck every Sunday, just the way you like it. I’ll give you everything, even when you push it away. No more talk like this, please. If you ever need anything, I’m here. Okay?”

“Can I have roast chicken instead of duck?” My dam broke, tears that were held back earlier, now flooded out freely. You are an idiot. You’re going to be hurt. Yet you chose this. This isn’t how it was supposed to turn out.

“Only if you’ll be my wife.”

“You idiot.” I love you.

“Your idiot, remember?”

“Maybe.” I’m sorry.

“‘Maybe’? “

“Yup.”

“I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

“Idiot.”

Author's Note

This short story is 100% original. Plagiarism will not be tolerated. Any grammar mistakes, please do inform me.