Sleep.

Slipping from the safety of sanity into the makings of insanity.

I can feel myself spiraling downward. Down, down the rabbit hole I go.

I am unable to sleep without taking both clonidine and ativan. I take my nighttime medication at 10:00 pm but am terrified of going to sleep no matter how much I long for it. I'm a walking contradiction. I'm too afraid to go to sleep but I want to sleep forever. When I close my eyes my head starts swimming and creatures move behind my eyelids. I don't want to close my eyes yet they grow weary of remaining open. I try my best to fall asleep at night but my mind won't shut off. It keeps rattling on and on switching from one thought to another to another. Constant movement. Constant anxiety and delusions.

"Will you jump out the window for me, please?”

"The ground is so soft, it won't hurt a bit! You probably won't even break any bones!"

Should I believe you? Should I take your imaginary hand and jump? Do you really want me to pour purell on my left hand and set it ablaze? You think of how it won't hurt so maybe it won't. So afraid of accidental pain, yet when the blade is in my own hand, it's almost soothing. Purposeful pain. A release. You cannot imagine pain until you experience it first hand. Physical to negate emotional.

But sleep. Where shall we go from here? My eyes set dreary down and around. I drown in pools of my own never-shed tears. The ones built up inside of me from this deep depression. You may see me as normal, but I cover up my sorrows with a smile and complain about my lack of sleep. Once I go, I'm gone. So numb, so numb. I am spiraling down and may need to be shocked out of it. I don't want to go back to that terrible place but my mind is forcing me. Down. Down. Maybe I'll spiral out of control, just for you. Goodnight sweet self, you shall never grow old.

Reviews

[Daniel]

Wow. Not the Alice in Wonderland story I'm accustomed to but I like your version better, it has a better twist to it rather then the normal innocent fairytales we're used to.