Journaling of the restless.

I thought that this feeling might go away once I left the hospital but the walls are still closing in around me. I contain this inner restlessness that just won't go away no matter how hard I try. I count down the hours of the day once I wake up just like I did in the hospital. I feel like I'm in continuous seclusion. There is an outer restlessness as well, but that is just neuroleptic-induced. If I keep my limbs still, my eyes will start blinking rapidly or my tongue will take on a life of it's own. It's a maddening existence when you need to be in constant motion. I don't even feel the rest from sleep, I am just sedated. I have nothing to do yet everything to do. I have books I can read, I have movies I can watch, I have paper on which to draw, I have the internet spread out endlessly, but I have no motivation. It's as if it were all withdrawn from my body and all I want to do is be at peace. Even if I close my damned eyes I can feel my eyelids blinking and a need to get out of this room. I just want to rest, catatonia would be preferable to this. Maybe there will be no manic outburst in the days to come and maybe it is just this after coming down from my drugged up state of being. Maybe. It seems to be that I'm all in a fog and I've gotten lost. Hopefully I'll find myself soon.