IF IT WASN T FOR YOU

Is it love?

 

 

 

Breaking doors of loneliness

Crushing walls of sadness

Crossing roads of bitterness

Until I reach to imagine your face s sweetness

With no snide remarks

Nor with false friends in front,,

with your thought at head

i rest

 settled and calm

 

The inner strengths begins to come

As I find  missing Me , the one 

who might have been lost 

                                    If you hadn t been once around 

Author's Note

Yeah ...the inside thinking, without it its hard to carry on

Reviews

[Suditi]

Wow. A beautifully penned piece.

[JenniferMarie]

I enjoy the sentiment of this poem. Great job.

[EileenMarie]

Wow...... beautifully said! I am in that PLACE!

[Anne Martin]

There is a lot to like here. A few grammatical errors get in the way for me. (All your apostrophes are missing, but perhaps they don't appear on your keyboard.)

Till I reach to imagine your face's sweetness

Until I imagine your face's sweetness

... is better grammatically, is almost the same length, and ends with -ness like previous lines.

Until I imagine the sweetness of your face

It's the same length, but I think it flows better and closes the stanza without the -ness.

The inside strengths started to come

Replace "inside" with "inner." In the next line I would change "till" to "as" and drop the redundant "the". You would have to change "started" to "starts" or "begins" to keep the tense consistent. I think the last line should read:

if you hadn't once been around

... again for tense and clear word order.

Finally, the middle stanza is problematic. I think you have the same problem here that you had in Wave & Sea (pt 2). You know what you want to say, but not the right words.

You need a single word for "mean hints" and "hated faces in front." I'm not sure what you mean, so I can't help you much there, especially in the latter.

I rest,with your thought at head
settled and calm

Firstly, you don't need that comma. Perhaps you should say:

I rest with thoughts of you on my mind,
settled and calm

or perhaps.

With thoughts of you, I rest,
settled and calm

I probably like the second one more, but that's my proclivity for succinctness in poetry (as opposed to reviews). Both work for me.

They are getting better.

[Jb]

I really like the structure of this poem, it is very heartfelt. Keep up the great work!

[JelliFyshKissUs]

Oh my... this has the iridescence of death in a waste-bitten world of sad underthoughts. It pulls at the strings of the spleen and never lets go. Hard to carry on in every way indeed.

[Kim's Poems]

Such a struggle here , such a powerful full of feeling writing.
So nicely expressed. Love the ending.

[Coyote Poetry]

I could feel the internal struggle in the poem. Sometime we must learn pain and lost to find the right path. I did like the ending. Struggle teaches us to be kinder and wiser. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Magdelena]

Wow..... This blew me away. I felt the longing deep inside. The way you weaved this into something that can actually take one's breath away, I felt myself sigh deep inside as I neared the ending line. Always felt your pieces, this one, I felt tears.


Mags xx

[Lily Mae]

It read like a song to me.. soft and yet full of emotion.. Love does to much too us and so much for us.. whether we survive or not is up to us and our daily choices :) xo