The Forsaken Rose

The Forsaken Rose

I stared out the window. Stars filled the midnight sky, stretching as far as my eyes could see.  The moon exposed itself rising above the trees, cascading it's light, piercing through the trees and the darkness.  I smiled faintly before closing the curtains.  I walked over to my bed, pulling the sheets out, I climbed in. The warmth enveloped around me.
My eyes suddenly became heavy, pushing me further into sleep. I tried to fight it, but in the end I knew it would win.
So I let go and drifted off.
I feel warmth around me. All over my body.  I opened my eyes, bewilderment filling my perception. I sit up and glance around, checking out my surroundings.
I am in the middle of a field full of wild flowers.  Trees line up on the outskirts of the field. My heart starts to hammer against my chest.
How did I get here?
" There you are." I recognize his voice.
My head snaps around, he's standing no more than 10 feet away from me. His smile flows through his whole face, lighting up and reaching his blue eyes. He takes a few steps towards me. His right hand is behind his back, hiding something from me. He keeps advancing towards me until he stands directly above me. He reaches his hand out for me to take, the smile never leaving his face. I stare at him, confused beyond belief.
Why is he here?
I have no choice but to take his hand. He pulls me up to face him. I only come up to his shoulder, so he has to look down at me.
  " Brandon, why are we here?" I ask him.
" Its so beautiful here, full of life," he says.
I glance around, he is right. I see birds around, flying to near by trees. The sun bright in a cloudless sky, blankets everything with it's light. There's a light breeze, it sways my long brown hair ever so slightly.
" That doesn't answer my question," I argue.
"Sure it does."
I see he still has his hand behind his back. His eyes trace mine, following were they lead to, seeing my confusion his smile grows larger.
" I have something for you," he says as he pulls his hand out from behind his back, revealing what he had been waiting so anxiously to give me.
He held it up to my face, allowing me to get a better look at it.
A red rose.
A smile glides across my face. The sweet smell fills my nostrils. 
"Its beautiful," I take it out of his hand. I bring it up to my nose once more to take in its aroma and retain its essence.
I peer up at Brandon. His face full of light and life.  He bring his lips down and places them on my forehead. I close my eyes taking the moment in.
He his lips leave, but I can still feel the lingering warmth of them.
I open my eyes to meet his.
I gasp, my breathing becomes shallow with every intake.
"Brandon?" I feel tears brimming on the edge of my eyes, threatening to spill over.
Before me was a man with similar aspects of Brandon, yet it couldn't be him. Wrinkles fill his face, his cheeks droop slightly, crows feet around his eyes. The smile was long gone and in its place was a sad expression. It traveled through his whole face. His black hair, was now wisps of white and gray intertwined together.  His eyes. The blue is long gone, replaced by a dull light gray. A shiver travels down my spine.
He reaches his hand out for me to take and opens his mouth, attempting to say something, but the words can't find their way out. Before I can take his hand. Before I can whisper soothing words of comfort to him, his somber eyes fill with terror. He looks like a ghost now. I can see through him. He's almost transparent.  He's still trying to spew whatever words he needs to say out, but there is no sound. Not even a whisper.
The wind comes barreling past me. My hair flies in all different directions. It hits Brandon like a wave crashing into boulders. The wind carries him away, he spreads out, blending in with the wind. Like he was never here.
The tears slipped out of my eyes.
He's gone.
My eyes stare down at the rose in my hand. I completely forget about it. The outside of the pedals were starting to turn into a darker shade, almost brown.
It was starting to wilt.
I closed my eyes and took in a long, slow breath trying to calm my heart that was about to burst out of my chest any moment now. 
The wind comes spiraling through again. Goosebumps form on my arms. My teeth start chattering. I open my eyes. Disbelief spreads through me like wildfire.
The trees were now bare, all the leaves gone. Dead. The field I'm standing in that was once abundant with wild flowers is now covered with a small layer of frost. I glance up at the sky. The sun is gone, now only gray clouds cover the skyline.
I wrap my arms around me, the coldness becomes overwhelming. The rose is now darker, the bright red starting to fade. A petal falls off, fluttering down to the frostbitten ground.
I look down at my hands. Something like a sob escapes my lips. I clamp my mouth shut, but the animal noises still manage to find their way out into the cold air. These hands can't be mine. More tears fight their way to the outside world. The small creases that were in my hands are now deep and aged.
This can't be happening.
I look up and in front of me is a giant mirror. My hands start shaking violently and more tears slide down my already stained cheek.
The image in the mirror can't be me, yet she has similar features like me. She moves when I move.  But the wrinkles, and the long gray hair cascading down my body couldn't be mine. The sad smoky, ashened eyes couldn't belong to me. 
The rose I was still holding was now completely dark. Dead. The bright red that once inhabited it, was gone. The life from it drain.
I glance back up in the mirror. The old frail women was still there, crying and trembling. Just like me. For it was either the cold or the events that were occurring that caused this, but I do not know. Now just like Brandon, she too looked like a ghost.
The old frail women was me.
I knew what was next. I dried my tears, there was no use fighting it. I closed my eyes awaiting the inevitable.The "impending doom" so to speak.
On cue the wind whipped through, carrying me along with it. Carried into nothingness. 
The wilted rose sank to ground. The glistening frost started to climb up the stem, consuming it.  It lays there empty, cold.
And alone.
It lays unmoving with the wind blowing past it as if it wasn't even there.

Reviews

[C. Rose]

Beautiful. Really drew me in. Great job conveying emotion.

Now for the constructive part-

Some grammar rules:

I lay it (direct object) on the table. I lie (no direct object) down. For example your last sentence "It lays unmoving" should be "It lies unmoving".

"It's" is a contraction for "it is", but "its" is a possessive pronoun. For example "Its so beautiful here" should be "It's so beautiful here". "cascading it's light" should be "cascading its light".

Runs ons. Your average sentence should have 1-2 phrases. Occasionally it is acceptable to have 3-5 phrases if it a complicated concept, but this should be avoided when possible. For example:
"I stared out the window, stars filled the midnight sky, stretching as far as my eyes could see.", "The moon exposed itself rising above the trees, cascading it's light, piercing through the trees and the darkness." and "I walked over to my bed, pulling the sheets out, I climbed in and the warmth enveloped around me." are all run ons that tangle up your first paragraph. Simply break these into manageable sentences of 1-2 phrases each and you will be fine.

Favorite line: "carried into nothingness."

The Constructive Critics group's objective is to give helpful, not simply complimentary, reviews. Join if you are interested in receiving more reviews like this and are willing to try to give the group members constructive reviews as well.

[C. Rose]

I change my mind. "The image in the mirror can't be me," is my favorite line.

[Rebecca Church]

Really interesting story! I thought at first, it was going to be the main character meeting with a personification of the Grim Reaper, but no. It's a beautiful story. I'm just imagining this being Brandon saying goodbye to the main character, first bringing forward a time where they were both young and beautiful, to show them growing old, the rose and the image in the mirror helping to bring that message forward. They spent a lot of time together.. but time stops for none. (( i really hope this made sense, about half way through i started to get a killer headache but wanted to finish writing))

[Warrior]

Great story telling. This did justice in the realm of getting the message across. Great message. There's lot of times where a story can have a great message to aim for, and have a lot of under lining things but then no one gets it, and if no one gets it, then the point has failed. But in my opinion this did well to get the message across. You made it clear, which is why I think it's good. Keep up the good work. What was also great was that I could imagine the story as I read it, and that is also a strong point of stories. The ability to have the reader imagine it because after all we're reading not watching it, but it was as if I was there as I read this, and that is great. Good job once again.

[anant mody]

qwwwwwoowww

keep up good work n nic use of wordss:-):-)

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Had me hooked! Great job.
A few typos and run on sentences... Other then that it was awesome.
Keep on writing!

C. Lee Battaglia

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Wow, this was a very compelling story with an element of surrealism pervading the paragraphs. It makes a reader think and puzzle over what is happening.

I found via Writing then Reviewing group.

[SnakeEaterCorpo]

really have enjoyed it:) I love your dialog and especially the detailing of your characters, keep up the good work oh and I would appreciate it if you could check out one of my stories and leave a rating with a comment once you get the chance. Thank you so much and great job:)

[speckledbyrd]

Love it! Just 2 things...

1. What happens when she wakes up...I want to know more
2. The word 'aspects' that is used in the middle, or so, drives me nuts. I don't know why, but I feel like the word is too observational for a story that has SO much emotion...it jumped out. Or it could just be me...

[Valor Gosch]

I love this its very well done and It conveys lots of emotion.