Miss Beautiful

Miss Beautiful

A Story by The Official Gary B
"

This is the story of my book series! Continue or No??

"

                          

                              MRS BEAUTIFUL

 

 I was walking down the street when all of a sudden I was approached by a vampire. She was at least 6 foot tall, extremely skinny, and absolutely gorgeous. As soon as I saw her I felt this automatic shock and it  felt as a razor blade was scratched along my arm.

 When I went to school all the boys were flattered in her presence. You couldn't look at her too long for the fact that she was too beautiful. That it was as if the sun was in your eyes. She had this glow that made you feel instantly warm. She was the type of girl that everyone would want to be friends with smart but not a know it all, friendly but not obsessive, and popular but not exclusive.

 She had the perfect body figure that all the boys loved and that all the girls strived to be like. She was able to talk about any and everything. She wasn't too perfect, but she wasn't a least bit not. If that even makes sense?

 Before I even talked to her I fell in love. Until that very day that we became more than friends and I was about to make my approach to kiss her (thinking of al lthe dirty fantasiesthat I already inquired in my head and bring them to reality).Then I inquired her true image with sharp black teeth and hesistated awkwardly.  That very day I found out the school prom queen, genious, head cheerleader, and validvictorian was actually a vampire!

© 2010 The Official Gary B


Author's Note

The Official Gary B
Please review... Grammar Errors, and continue or not...???

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Featured Review

No. Do Not Continue This. Absolutely Not.

As I've been saying to various people, putting vampires in the young, school setting will not work again until Twilight has died out. Right now all you'll get is extreme reactions depending on how people feel about that plague upon literature and humanity.

Even without that, however, you call this a story? Seriously? This a bunch of garbled words. You've thrown sentences and an idea together without any kind of thinking about it. From what I've read here, this should be pages long, not all clumped together in three paragraphs! What were you thinking? The first line is a grabber, for sure, but when you realize that it's just one of many sentences that don't actually say a damn thing, it loses its edge.

You need more patience.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I have my doubts as to the potential of this story.. the story line is a bit cheezy, not well written and the details werent the most well, detailed. I agree with the perfectionist, I think the majority of the population has been completely turned off to any story involoving the word "vampire" unless the story is REDICULOUSLY well written.. which this is not.. so unfortunately, I must give this a thumbs down..

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Continue

Posted 14 Years Ago


It would've been better if you've actually went to the process of editing the technicals and stuff. Just saying. :D

You know what you just did? You typecasted ROSALIE. I know you know her but it would help that you'd steer clear of that in the meantime.

This one would actually work if:
+you didn't write an open-faced 'introduction'.
+the details were laid out more vividly.
+you put more work into this.

Do try continuing this and let's see if you could stretch your ability in some form.

Pens up! :D

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

No. Do Not Continue This. Absolutely Not.

As I've been saying to various people, putting vampires in the young, school setting will not work again until Twilight has died out. Right now all you'll get is extreme reactions depending on how people feel about that plague upon literature and humanity.

Even without that, however, you call this a story? Seriously? This a bunch of garbled words. You've thrown sentences and an idea together without any kind of thinking about it. From what I've read here, this should be pages long, not all clumped together in three paragraphs! What were you thinking? The first line is a grabber, for sure, but when you realize that it's just one of many sentences that don't actually say a damn thing, it loses its edge.

You need more patience.

Posted 14 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Beauty can trick us. Need to be careful what we wish for. A excellent story.
Coyote

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 14 Years Ago


0 of 3 people found this review constructive.

I kinda liked it in an odd way it made sense. it was to the point that the girl meant a lot to everyone. I really enjoyed it (it was a little odd and needs some editing bt it was good)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

gar you didn't even edit!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on January 30, 2010
Last Updated on February 1, 2010
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Author

The Official Gary B
The Official Gary B

Canton, OH



About
I have made it through outstanding circumstances. I live life day to day and with God I know all things are possible. =) Writing is what gets me through my day and without that or music I don't know w.. more..

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