Highschool Hell

Basic poem about love and loss (teen)

Junior year for a guy should be fun and games

Friends and parties day and night

Hookup with 3 girls, I just might

But still my limp heart remains

 

I used to be the happiest kid alive

a girl who cared for me,

I was in love with life, anyone could see

Now I’m just trying to survive

 

Avoiding my friends and hiding away

Popping pills to avoid the pain

Crying to the few friends that remain

Does anyone care about what I have to say?

 

You told me you always cared for me

That you would always be there

That you would never hurt me, you would swear

What a b***h you turned out to be

 

I’m as fragile as I’ll ever be

Little things cause me to lose my grip

F**k girls f**k that relationship

You’ll miss me eventually

Author's Note

first poem submitted, looking for opinions

Reviews

[Destiny]

I have small revisions so the poem in the beginning might flow a bit better
"Friends and parties day and night" to Friends and parties, day and night
"I was in love with life, anyone could see" to two lines and break it off where the comma is.

Overall most people can relate. It's to the point and very emotional. I hope poetry is a different form of you coping than popping pills. It's very good and well-written.

[Molly Leanne Jasmer]

sounds like HS lol good job

[Ami N.]

Interesting poem-
All I have to say is pretty much covered in previous reviews. The idea and emotions behind this piece are great; however, some parts could be reworded. I suggest editing your use of some inappropriate vocabulary and substituting it for something more effective in conveying your message. The message may be nice, but I think the wording could be changed.
Again, my opinion, your choice.

[melril18]

Oh... honey...that was beautiful... I was in a situation all too similar to this this summer. It hurts. you're incredibly talented and I really hope I get to see more of your stuff. I love how subtle the rhyme scheme is. Keep it up, bro

[Bette]

well done getting that out and yes some day she will look back and remember some good. But also you will every up and down in your life will teach you something. And some day you will beable to look back and smile at atleast one moment you two shared. The sooner you learn that the sooner you will move on. Young minds and hearts will be broken your as smart as you let yourself be live and learn and let it go.

[yukiderp]

i love this! the rhyming ties in wonderfully. and i can completely understand your feelings through this poem. great job!

[No name]

I think every teen has felt this way or feels this way at times and yes it really sucks. Nice write, expressed your thoughts and feeling.

[SpaceBound23]

i lovve this, amazing job!:]

[Miss Evans]

Reviewing this as per your request.

I appreciate the sentiment behind this, the fact that life deals you lemons and sometimes you can't make lemonade out of it. The message behind it is one thing, but the way you say it is another.

I don't think the language was necessary, at all really. It would show more skill to find a word with vigor that was not vulgar, to carry your point across. The use of swearing sort of makes the whole thing look a little childish. "I'm upset, so I'll throw a fit if I want to."

Language aside, I like the poem in general. It's got a good point to it. It could use some editing just to neaten it up a bit, punctuation would do it some help.

Main Point:

- Use more creative language.
- Add some punctuation.

[Spacefruit]

A hardcore poem. Nice job.