Chapter 4: The galdagorne

Mady was screaming. “We need to go,” Ambrielle was yelling at him.

“Run,” George said, getting to his feet. He seemed to have broken whatever spell he had been under and dragged Mady to her feet.

“Can you run,” Jay asked Ambrielle.

“Take Jane, I’m fine,” She said. Her voice was high pitched with fear.

He lifted Jane and they tried to run in the dark. It wasn’t as hard as he had feared. The world had turned to the pre-dawn grey of late fall through heavy fog. They could make out the broken path a few dozen feet at a time, but it seemed to cut straight through the trees.

There was no sound behind them. The hairs on Jay’s neck still stood on end.

After a little while, Mady collapsed. “Come on, Mady,” George said. He was still scared and looked half crazed in the lightening world. Jay realized he had lost his hat. She let him pull her to her feet, but she fell again. She was spent. They all were. Jay’s breath was coming in ragged gasped. Ambrielle was doubled over and then threw up. Jane was beginning to stir.

“Jane,” he said laying her down. He collapsed to his hands when he had put her in the grass in the middle of the road.

“Ahg,” she said as her eyes fluttered open.

“Jane,” he said again in a ragged voice. Ambrielle spat and then heaved again. Mady was inconsolable and George was holding her, while looking unfocused towards Jane.

Jane looked around, her eyes not really focusing. “Ben,” she said in a ragged voice. Then she shrieked and began shaking. “Ben. Ben.” She looked like she was having a seizure.

“HELP!” Jay yelled out. He tried to hold her flailing form, keeping her from hurting herself. Mady was at his side. She thrust something into Jane’s mouth. Ambrielle jumped onto her feet.

After a few minutes, foaming at the mouth and eyes glazed, Jane stopped moving. Her chest was heaving. Ambrielle started to cry.

“We need to move again,” George said.

“She can’t be moved,” Mady said to him.

“She can’t move during the day. We have to find someplace safe before night fall,” George said. His voice cracked half a dozen times.

Jay stood up. The blood was boiling in his veins, much like it had in the night. He turned on George. George was a dull brown, drained of normal black hue. He looked absolutely petrified and small. “WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT GEORGE!”

“The Black Lady.”

“I could see that. How? What? George,” he said spitting. He was in a total rage. If it was possible, George turned even duller and stepped back.

“Jay,” Mady turned on him. She was scared, but almost as angry as Jay.

“Don’t you start, he owes us answers,” Ambrielle said, flaring at Mady.

“WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT!” Jay said again at George.

George shook his head. “Not here. We have to find shelter. Somewhere safe. She can’t get us in a house, or a town.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!”

George took on a crazed look. “I DO! We need to move! Now!” He yelled and stood his ground to the step Jay took towards him.

“Elle,” a soft tinkling voice said from behind him. He turned and saw Jane trying to sit up.

Ambrielle and Mady were at her side. “Lay down,” Mady was saying. “I’m here, Jany,” Ambrielle said at the same time.

Jane shook her head. “Elle, we have to go. Something, it doesn’t feel right.”

“What!” George said. The fear in his voice cut through the blood rage surging through Jay’s veins.

“Something. I don’t know,” she said shaking her head. She still looked punch drunk. There was a loud caw as three ravens flew over them.

The five of them stumbled down the road. Soon, they were all feeling thirsty and hungry. A few times, one of them would drop and they would almost have to be dragged to keep moving. Jane kept saying something was wrong. Jay felt it without her saying anything.

George started to look palid by the fifth time she said it. He was absolutely terrified of what ever was out there. There was a sudden crashing and crunching sound some distance off and the sound of an animal screaming. The screams ended abruptly. They all quickened their tired pace. The rest of the forest was dead silent.

The fog and trees were becoming thinner.

“How far does this road go?” Jay panted out. He was supporting Ambrielle as she stumbled along next to him. They were all walking as fast as they could. Exhaustion was starting to take hold.

“I… don’t… th-think… we’re in… New Hamp-shire any…more,” Jane said in gasps.

In the lead was George. Mady was dragging her feet behind him. He shook his head. “Destharda,” he said.

Jay didn’t ask how he knew.

Jane’s demeanor changed. She stopped and stood stock still. She turned her head so that her large ears were pointing back the way they had come. They twitch.

“Jane?” Jay walked up to her and Ambrielle fell to the ground.

Her eyes were wide and deep. “Something is coming.”

George whipped his head around. “What!”

Jane shook her head. “Feet. Many feet.” Her ears were starting to twitch more.

“Jane, what else.” Georges voice was terse and high pitched. It made the hair on Jay’s neck strain again. They hadn’t gone down since they had left the hill.

She shook her head. “Snarling and growling, but it only sounds like one animal. There are so many feet though.”

“Run! We have to run,” George yelled and began to stumbled forward. The raw naked fear in his voice roused them all into a stumbling trot.

Something gave a start in the bushes. It was a black deer that cut in front of them and ran full tilt in the same direction. It was soon lost in the mist. Not too far back, a crow called. Then, there was a cacophony of crows. Jay looked back and into the sky, the fog had lifted above the tree tops and he could see blue sky. There was a large cloud of black birds. The whole forest seemed to be coming to life in fear of what ever was behind them.

“Jane!”

“It’s getting closer.”

There was more crashing in the undergrowth along the path. Jay saw more deer, dozens, running through the brush. His heart began to thud even more. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his bones.

Suddenly, the fog disappeared and they broke into a grassy field. The crashing and scurrying of hundreds of deer around them from the forest and through the field was drowning out anything that might be chasing them.

They ran. “STAY IN THE ROAD!” Jay yelled. He was afraid that the stampeding deer and now other animals would get them if what ever scared them didn’t.

A horn sounded somewhere. “There!” George said, pointing beyond the field. There was a large wall and a town in it. They were at least two miles away, looking down the slope of the hill on small houses. The animals made enough of a site that anyone looking would see it.

There came a howling behind them. Jay saw George look over his shoulder. His dark skin looked almost white. He could see no white’s in his eyes. Panic was all over his face. He dragged Mady along with him as he tried to run faster.

The look made Jane run too. Jane was outdistancing them. Her long legs gave her a large advantage. Jay pulled at Ambrielle’s waist to urge her on.

There was another howl. It was a wolf on the prowl.  A deer cut across their path. Its mouth was foaming and eyes rolling in fear.

They ran.

They had covered half the distance when a crack as loud as thunder came from behind them. It was followed by the crushing sound of a falling tree. Jay looked over his shoulder and stumbled.

Out of the forest, next to the road, came a sinuous mass. It was more of a nightmare than anything he had seen yet. It was long. Very long. It seemed to take minutes to roll out of the forest. It was grey. He had the insane notion of a centipede. It was part wolf though. Legs. Many legs, propelled the beast at a speed he knew meant death.

Ambrielle and Jay fell to the dusty road. He was half dragging her up as fast as he could scramble. “JANE!” He called. She was already a good hundred yards or more ahead of them.

The beast roared, barked and howled in the heat of the hunt.

Jay pushed Ambrielle ahead of himself. “RUN!” He said as she stumbled and caught herself. “JAY, NO” She called back.

“RUN!” he said to her. She stood there for an impossibly long time. Jay drew his sword. “RUN! PLEASE!” He begged her. She had to be safe. The blood rage that had taken him over a few hours before was starting to rise. His only thought was to protect her. She was still stopped and looked at him. “GO! RUN!”

He took his shield out, gave one last look and turned the other way. He didn’t look to see if she started running again. He couldn’t. Not if he was going to buy the others any time. The beast saw him and howled in satisfaction.

Heaving in gasping breathes, Jay tried to steady himself. Black spots ran before his eyes as a stitch in his side flared. They had been running for too long and he was tired, hungry and thirsty. This wouldn’t be a long fight. Jay only hoped it would be enough.

The beast snaked towards him with surprising speed. At best, he had upwards of a minute and a half. Just off the road was a pile of rocks. Jay ran towards them. The beast changed its course to intercept him. He reached the pile and had just mounted the top when the snarls came from the base. The thing had to be at least thirty feet long, thick and close to a hundred legs. It growled and snapped as it launched itself up the small pile. A large boulder had been balanced on the top of other boulders and it gave him about a 10 foot circle to work in. He hoped it would keep the nightmare from being able to surprise him.

It launched itself at him and he brought his shield up. The force was that of a car and he fell down, rolling. Three legs, with long claws came crashing down on where he should have been. The beast had turned to do this. Jay swung his sword and felt it connect and slice through at least one leg.

The thing howled in pain and whipped its head around, jaws snapping. Jay was still on his back as it caught the edge of his shield. One leg managed to pin his clothes to the rock. He screamed as the thing tried to yank his arm and shield off. He felt something pop in his shoulder. The fire in his veins tried to dull the pain.

Jay’s sword came over the edge of the shield. Once. Twice. Thrice. On the fourth frantic blow the thing let go and howled again. Something wet fell on his face. It tingled as soon as it hit.

Jay rolled again and whimpered as his shield arm came down. There was scratching over his head and Jay let himself fall off the edge of the boulder, falling into a crevice where his shield stuck and he was jarred. A jagged bolt shot through his shoulder and he cried out. The thing began to claw at him. His shield protected him from the claws, but the sickening sound of splintering wood echoed in the small crevice. He stuck his sword up and the thing howled and yipped like a wounded wolf.

Its head poked back down and Jay stabbed at it. Around his shield he saw its nose was already flapping and bleeding. The tip stabbed the beast in the jaw and it reared back, scratching at its face. Jay struck again, hit the rock and a shower of chips and sparks fell on him. The sword came up and cut a paw in half.

There was another yipping yowl and its head thrust done in a rage. He had the absurd vision of blood, chipped teeth and glaring eyes. It hated him. It wanted blood. It was hungry.

He stabbed, the thing reared back and then lunged at him. Jay stabbed again and his sword buried deep into one eyes. There was a brief yip of surprise and then it slumped forward, burying it head further on his sword.

Jay was breathing in ragged breaths. He couldn’t really move, but he tried desperately to pull his sword out, afraid the thing would attack again. It was doing nothing, except bleeding all over him. Its head lolled around as he gave his sword another yank.

“Ahhh.” He was in pain as the sword gave and his shield arm shifted. If he was lucky, it was only dislocated. He had an insane urge to get out there. He tried to free his shield, but it was stuck where it was. He had to remove his arm with the other, yelling as his torso fell a foot or so when it was freed.

He looked frantically around for a way out. The end above his head was opened to the sky. The beast’s blood made it easier as he slipped and slid. He poked his head out of the side of the crevice. The thing had curled itself around the top of the boulder he has started on. He tried to shimmy out but cried out when his left arm snagged on the rock. He saw black spots across his vision for a moment.

After another moment, he was able to drop himself onto a pile of sharp stones below the crevice. His right arm began to sting. He didn’t really look at it, but he knew he was bleeding.

In a daze, he stumbled down the face of the small pile and looked back. The thing wasn’t moving and it was starting to stink.

He turned around, not really sure of which way to go. He started walking in a direction that seemed good. After a few moments, he came across the road and turned onto it, not knowing if he was going the right way or not.

The sounding of many hooves greeted him and he was suddenly alert. He cut through the haze in his mind and focused. The fire that was his surged through his veins. He looked in the direction of the approaching hooves. He could see the town behind them. He had walked quiet a distance.

The men approached at a fast gallop. Jay raised his sword. He would fight. Twenty men came to a sudden halt, their horses skidding about ten feet from him. The soldiers all had heavy cloaks, roman style segmented amour, grieves, shields and short spears.

 “Easy, Northman,” the lead man said.

 “Ambrielle,” he said.

The soldiers exchanged a look. The same one that had talked before spoke again. “Your companions are safe, Northman. The galdahorne, where is it. How did you escape?”

Jay didn’t relax, even though the uneasy feeling had disappeared with the approach of the troops. “Dead,” he said, nodding back the way he came.

“How,” the man said with awe, trepidation and fear.

Jay held his sword. He didn’t say anything else but began to sway. The man who had spoken sized him up. “You are injured. Let us take you to Ceandeliuna.”

The fire in his viens was going out and the fog he had been in was coming back. “Ambrielle,” he said again. He suddenly felt very ill and bent over. What little that was in his stomach came up. At the same time, he tried to use his arms to steady himself. He knew pain as he fell. There were sounds of people dismounting and coming towards him. “Don’t touch him you fool, get a tarp,” the man snarled at someone then all was black.

Author's Note

I really want to give the tone of this chapter the feel of an animal being hunted. Please comment

version 2

Reviews

[Truman S. Booth]

I very much like the story--I love the idea of the kids becoming their costumes, even gaining skills (Jane's heightened senses, Jay's combat abilities). Very entertaining, the whole way through.
I really liked the first chapter, and I think it fits with the rest of the story as a soft "getting to know the main characters" opener.
There are a few problems I want to address, though, only because they are distracting and sometimes confusing. At the beginning of Chapter 3, make the setting clear before having Jay engage Ben. Also, make a definite separation between the beast he sees while he's with Elle (George) and the beast chasing Jane. Maybe have Jay watch George crawl into the shadows after dropping to his knees, just to file him away for a moment in the reader's mind.
You use "the beast" too many times when referring to Ben--I would replace some of them with other synonyms, such as "troll" or "ogre" to give the proper image.
I would also like a little more description of George's new form. I can't quite wrap my mind around how he looks. The description in Chapter 3 is vivid, but later he is described as looking "white" when he is afraid, despite the earlier coloration of "black with white tattoos". I might be reading something wrong... could you try to clear it up for me?
Lastly, in his fight with the galdagorne (awesome name, by the way), Jay "screams" a lot. I would omit some of his screaming, or maybe change the word to "grunt", "shout", or "yell".
Now that I've been kind of mean, I'd like to compliment some things: I love Jay's reactions to Elle; they feel very real. I love the "aura of death" that comes from the Black Lady; very descriptive and creepy. I really like the battle with the galdagorne, although I'd try to eliminate some repetitious words and blend some sentences together. The organization feels a little choppy, although the imagery is spot on.
Overall, this is a great story, well presented, and I can't wait for more!

[MuSe Ampoule]

I laughed: “I… don’t… th-think… we’re in… New Hamp-shire any…more,” Jane said in gasps. "Sorry, Wizard of Oz flashback!

This is good...it just needs a thorough edit and some clean up.

Suggestion: perhaps the opening line should have a name to describe "him" just so it refreshes the reader who's being yelled at by Ambrielle: "Mady was screaming. “We need to go,” Ambrielle was yelling at him"

Structure in this is a little confusing...(example: 7th paragraph (begins with "After...) you are describing a scene and interject that Jay realized he lost his hat, then go back to describing the scene. There may be a better way to describe what's going on without jumping around...it tends to confuse simple minds such as myself. :) )

I had to break mid read...but I'll send you a message if I notice more as I read on.

Good job!

[goltinfron_nh]

Truman, thank you very much. I took none of what you said as mean. I was looking for that creative criticism. I tend to write in very dramatic spurts, 20 - 40 pages in two or three days. So, much of what you see is unrefined and I need that incentive to make it better.

Glad you like how it's shaping up so far. More to come soon, plus revisions.

[Eile MacIntyre]

I think you did a very good job showing the fear of the situation. So far, this is pretty good. I'm enjoying it and I can't wait to read more.