I'm...

What I want

I'm going to write a hundred pretty love letters and thousand silly, pointless, yet comforting, words.
And I won't expect you to write me back, but I'll hope for that returning postage stamp, mostly I'll crave that sweet "thank you," followed by a kiss, a touch, and proud smile.

I want you to know that the littlest things are the biggest things in my silly little head. I don't want a car or some peice of expensive jewelry. I want a strong hug and a meaningful glance. That's how to say, "I love you," in any real romance.
Don't get me wrong, if you love me then you probably know this, I'm still a fan of jewelry, not jewelry in particular, but pretty, shiny, useless things. I like boxes and containers, i like cute, tiny things, things with oogly eye-balls and little faces like this, " :3 " I like flowers and chocolates, i like corny little notes in my lunch, and "it's not easy being cheesy" love poems, because surely you have no talent.

You'll probably think my poetry and writing skills are a waste to anyone but me and the people who care about me but still be proud. You find it frustrating i want you to find your creative side but you'll do it, because you care about me. You're more interested in something meaningful and controversial, not like global warming, but astrobiology, or becoming a famous philosopher and psychologist, something admirable and time consuming, so I can stay at home and "mooch" off your money and spend all day writing or taking care of all our children.
And yes.
There will be children.
I love children, as you know. I love children and i want to be a fantastic mother and a fantastic owner of a day care. (part of my perfect picture. White picket fence with children and a lovely husband.) I'm still thinking of what to call it. Probably something cheesy... So cheesy that I can't even think about it now.
And speaking of which, how could there NOT be children? There's going to be sex. A lot of it. There's bound to be a slip up somewhere in our long, long, life together.

Screaming scares(scare? scar? well either way, screaming does that to me.) me.  Keep that in mind when i'm being irrational and you're frustrated with me, that yelling only scares and hurts me and makes me guilt trip you like it's no ones business in the long run (my secret skill), so i'll let you in on your secret skill, patience.
When my heart is racing and my eyes are pouring,
When my mind is screaming and my arms are thrashing,
As scary as it may be, hold me, just whisper "it's going to be okay" and that you still love me. That you forgive me and just lightly "shoosh" me.
Doesn't that sound much nicer than
Screaming back at me, trying to get me to change my mind, rationalize with a irrational person, and telling me to "shut up."
I believe so.

I'm silly like that. I'm silly in that child like way too, but you know that. I love kids shows like Oobi and Hamtaro. I like trying on shoes that I know are too big for me, i eat gallons of ice cream and candy and I paint my nails as awfully as i can, each finger a new color until i settle on some awful shade of pink, but you love me just the same, I have to press the elevator button and at the grocery store i like stealing the coupons from the automatic coupon thingy, and i like scanning my grocery so i can hear the "bing!" Love it or hate it, you'll accept it and maybe do some of these things with me.

But even in these incredibly childish ways I'm an intellect, and you are too. We learn from everything and we enjoy that. We like learning about absolutely everything, that's the people we are, smart and forever evolving. I know you're smart, because you teach me so much. We have that drive to learn, so to speak. And you're proud of my ability to learn from others mistakes and you nurture this want to learn and nurture your skills and abilities as well, there is no couple better than a supportive, honest, and understand one.
And it's important we know that and don't lose sight of that in our many many years together.

I can't even image how wonderful these years are going to be. I love imagining the years down the line with our children and house and dream job, well our dream life. I haven't decided on how many children we want, somewhere between 2-4, i know that's vague, but i just haven't decided. I'd sort of like to adopt. I suppose there are a ton of things i'd "sort of" like to do, and we'll get there later. In these years we'll have our first kiss, our first time, our first dance, our first everything, and i can't even imagine how wonderful those times are going to be together.  How could I?

I don't want these next few things to come off as commands, but there are certain things i have to get accross very blatantly, so forgive me, my love, if i seem a tad dominating.

1.We will not do drugs. Ever. Under any circumstances unless under a doctor's ORDER. "Drug" is vague, this includes, marijuana and tobacco, and of course all illicit drugs.  I consider tobacco and marijuana drugs, i'm sorry, but if you like them, chances are we aren't together.
I do consider alcohol a drug. While i'm not going to ban you from drinking it, it will not be in our house and you will never see me drinking it.  As you know drug and alcohol addictions run high in my family and have ruined a chunk of my life and i refuse it to take control of our life or our children's lives.

2. Sex. Sex is special. Sex is wonderful yes, but i refuse to hand it out just because we're together. It's a sacred thing for people who love each other and i promise that i won't let you use me as an object. I take is slow and that makes it all the sweeter when you get it. And i'll tell you now, that if you want a sex object, it's not going to be, so go buy youself Roxxxy.

3. OH, that brings me to my next point. A biiiiig nono is porn. I'm sorry, i'm just not gonna be okay with you looking at some fake implanted w***e's vagina. It's just not going to happen. And i'll tell you why, the women in porn aren't real, they're wearing a ton of make up, they are implanted and gross, and real women don't look like that and it will just dissappoint you when you see the real thing. On top of that, I'm insecure, i don't need you to blatantly look at other women and jack off because i don't cut it. BUT, of course if that was you, we wouldn't be together.

I guess my biggest want for us is that we keep trying, we're not going to get anywhere if we give up. Even when we've been together for years we can't stop trying to grow and please the other, we can't run out of thigns to say of just say "f**k it" and move on. That's not how things roll in my life. I don't give up, i'm stubborn and i keep on. We have to keep giving our 100% even when stuff sucks. Because honestly, it doens't matter if you're here when things are great if you're no where to be found when everything is coming crashing down.

Wherever you are, i'm incredibly excited to meet you and I'll love you until the day i die.
Your's forever,
Brianna

Author's Note

Ignore grammar.