Another Note

6/22/17
Dear best friend,

Every attempt at subtly convincing your parents to let me talk to you has failed. It's been almost a week since I texted them, and no reply. I'm pretending that it's for some other reason.

Mother and I were talking about you. She brought you up, I refrained from using pronouns. I can't avoid using the dead name, which kills me a little more every time I say it. I always wonder if you hate me. If you blame me, and don't want to talk to me. It scares me half to death.

Summer is almost over, and i haven't done any summer homework. I remember texting back and forth about the work, and you gave me motivation. I dont have any right now. Three books need to be read and only part of one is finished. At least I know all the countries, and we both know which teacher to thank for that.

Not everything is bad. Im finding more confidence in myself, and slowly getting the style I'm looking for. I got this necklace i love wearing. Its a choker with a pearl, a real one. Ive found some friends who help me cope, and who accept me for who i am. Of course, they are online friends. But they are friends.

I cant forget you though. That would be impossible. You've given me so much, and i carry your picture in my wallet every day. I love that picture so much, even though you didnt know it was picture day, and you tried to "fix yourself" which is stupid because you are the embodiment of perfection. You could wear a garbage bag and I would still think you were the most amazing person to look at. Of course, I would make fun of you, but still.

I hope I'll see you soon. I probably shouldn't wear mascara when we do because i will bawl like a little baby the second I even see you. Hell, im crying right now imagining how long that hug would last.

Til i write again, your dearest and best friend (sibling), me